Thursday, January 30, 2003

on the john 2.1 1/2: Is it candy?

The odd occasion that I send a half "on the john" is upon me once again. Listen to the following true story:

Tuesday 1/28/03 4:57pm
–words contained within {} are replacements for actual words used.
I'm sitting at my desk amidst a sea of cubicles, I answer my phone.
JOHN: Loan Servicing this is John.
VOICE: Is this Mr. Maxim?
JOHN: This is Mr. Maxim, how can I help you?
VOICE: (Yelling) I have been trying to get a hold of you for two days! What the {eff} do you think this {effing} is? I have a {effing} family to care for, I have to deal with a stupid son of a {bishop} like you {effing} sitting smug as {poo} in Salt Lake City...
JOHN: (calmly) Mr. Sand--
VOICE: Do not presume to {effing} interrupt me, {Gosh dangit}! (still yelling) If you {effing} think I'm leaving my home you can go to hell. {Eff} that {poo}, I {effing} ain't leaving, all of the Lords fury couldn't get me outta of this {effing} house. Go ahead send the sheriff, go ahead I don't give a rats {bottom}. Now Mr. Maxim I have tried to {effing} be nice, I have tried to {effing} be civil. {Eff} all that {poo}. I need a resolution. {Poo}! I want a {effing} fix?
JOHN: (calmly) Mr. Sanders, If you use one more profane statement, I will end this call. Mr. Sanders were you aware that your house was supposed to go to Foreclosure sale yesterday? Did a sheriff come and evict you?
VOICE: No, I ain't seen no Sheriff, but he best bring--
JOHN: Mr. Sanders the reason you haven't seen the Sheriff is because I stopped your Foreclosure sale two days ago. You get to stay in your home, the arrangements have been made like we discussed.
VOICE: Oh, really? Oh... Oh, I uh--
JOHN: Have a nice day Mr. Sanders.*
I hang up the phone and leave work for the day, more than ready to go home. A little tired and a little frustrated I get excited to see my wife and hopefully, watch the Simpson’s at six.

Tuesday 1/28/03 5:22pm
I walk through the door and there sits my ever stunning unbelievably super hot-n-sexy wife, Lara. She is reading a magazine and smiles at me. I start talking like I always do when I get home, just about all the junk that goes through my head during a day. It sounds something like Bla bla bla, bla bla bla, bla bla bla blaa! Lara entertains me as per usual, then she says "honey I have a surprise." I of course get really excited, because I loves surprises. "What?" I ask. She excitedly says "close your eyes." With eyes closed my mind starts to wonder 'hmmm what could the surprise be? Maybe she's gonna get naked while my eyes are closed**, or maybe she brought me home a yummy sandwich or salad from Nordstrom's, or maybe a can of Mountain Dew, clothes - she probably bought me some clothes...’ The more my mind races the more excited I get. I can hear her scampering around, then she says, "okay hold out your hands." I raise my arms as to receive a hug. She giggles, grabs my hands and puts them together in front of my body in cupping shape. Something is placed in my hands, and I think 'Oh yeah, she bought me a pack of Spree's' Lara says "okay open your eyes." I open my eyes and my gaze falls on something that I honestly have never seen before.

(WARNING: this gets a little embarrassing and slightly graphic) I look at Lara, her face is glowing. I look back at the item in my hands dumbfounded. "Uh, thanks sweetness..." She looks at me in disbelief. I am holding a long slender curvy item, its plastic, white with a pink/bluish*** end that looks like a lid. The white end had finger grips like some of the fancier toothbrushes. My first thought was that it was some kind of pen. "What is it darling?" I ask. She falls on to the couch her arms collapse between her legs and she has the most disappointed look on her face I have ever seen. She drops onto her side and then buries her head in the pillow and groans. I think to myself, 'I'm supposed to know what this is, I'd better find out.' So I start to inspect it.

I'd never heard of the brand name which was in big black letters on the tip of the white end. There are these two buttons or windows with little lines in them. I try and push them, but nothing happens. Then I pull the lid off to see if there is a pen underneath. No, its, its, a thin yellow - looks like a stick of gum - thing sticking out of the white end. I thought, 'maybe this is candy like a new fancy Star Trekish kind of sugar dip stick... maybe lemon flavor, ooh I like lemon.' My wife is alerted when she hears the snapping sound the lid makes when it pops off, and as I raise the yellow strip to my nose to sniff it, she grabs it out of my hands says, "You ruined the surprise." and stomps into the other room.

I yell after her. "Is it candy?"

After a few seconds of silence, I hear Lara burst into laughter from the bedroom. She says "Honey haven't you ever heard of e.p.t! (these were the letters on the white end) Don't you watch commercials? This is a pregnancy test!" She continues to laugh in a profuse manner. I stand stunned. "A pregnancy test!" I yelled... "What’s it say? what’s it mean?" I run into the bedroom and Lara explains how the little contraption (that I was nearly ready to stick into my mouth and enjoy its lemony goodness... I am so naive) works. She explains that this Tab is what a woman pees on, then there are two red lines if the second line shows through the window, which means that the pee is pregnant, or rather, the pee-er. I grabbed my wife in a hugging fashion and swung her around the room crying out, "We're pregnant we're pregnant."

Family, friends, and acquaintance... I am going to be a Dad! My amazing wife is going to be a Mother. I'm so excited I can hardly do anything lately without a huge grin on my face. Congratulations are in order. And to all my bachelor buddy's who may be as ignorant as I... never try lemon candy your not certain of. I love you, and look forward to seeing you soon.


* The words contained in {} used in this example have been changed from the actual words used, to many other words, some that don't really exist, this has been done for the sake of the children, and Mormons.

** I'm married, it's okay.

*** I, being severely color blind, recognize this could be any number of colors other than those stated in the correspondence.

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