Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Notice to all Fairbanks Capital employees...

August 31, 2004 2:39pm

Moments ago, John Maxim was approached by his Manager Jennifer Felton. The rigid smileless young executive approached with a bit of resolve. She asked him if he would come join her for a meeting.

A week ago John's Supervisor Kevin Jorgensen had let him know that he would be receiving a "write- up" for an FTC violation. He thought to himself, “Well it's about time I get this write-up.” Since he was on the phone he asked Jennifer to hold on and she told him to come see her when he was done. He finished his phone call, and walked over to Jennifer’s desk. As he approached he witnessed something that he had never thought possible. A brief smile crossed the face of Miss Felton. For those who know her, I know what you’re thinking, but it's true, she smiled. The morbid realization that this smile was more comparable to a deadly predator licking its lips just prior to laying in to its helpless prey met John with such force he almost stopped walking. She said, “We are going to meet in Jeff's office, and started leading John towards the front of the building.

Now John new Jeff Ready, and he didn't have an office, so he wondered who this plausible executioner could be. After a few more steps it became clear that he would be some HR guy. Sure enough, deep in the cockles of the HR dungeon John was asked to sit down in front of some poor fellow whose job it was, to do the work of cowardly management. He sighed and advised John that they were meeting to discuss the termination of his employment. This is a trick however; since they don't want to discuss anything, they just want to candy coat the razor blade stuffed oozing lemon that they are shoving down your throat. John listened in dismay as the reason was stated.

"You missed the two overtime shifts which you signed up for last week; they were no-call, no-shows. Along with the other write-ups you've received, we figured, well..."

"Well what," John thought. Looking at the eerie grin permeating Jen Felton’s face, and the almost animal satisfaction that was seemingly derived from this little "termination", (when reading aloud please make quotations with fingers here) John opted not to argue. He thought, “True I did forget to come to two, two hour overtime shifts.” I know you think it's ridiculous, nay preposterous that one could forget such things. Especially the way management throws the overtime sign-up sheets out on a desk at the end of a previous month. One arrives at the table finding only two shifts available, 30 days away. Miriam Mota and Chris Sayer have already signed up for all the good shifts. Because somehow miraculously they are able to get their phone out of "ready" the second that the email which states overtime is now available is sent. Then thirty days later when those overtime shifts come around, and an entire month of life, and things, preoccupy the mind it does seem, just plain silly that one could forget a couple of overtime shifts one signed up for a month ago. Jeez, John had forgotten his badge to get into the doors at least a dozen times he thought, they didn't fire him then... no wonder this was such a shock. Fired for forgetting.

It was true; John also had received prior write ups. Like that one David Smith gave him for "improper LTS notation" because he noted that, like many things ruining a borrower’s life, it was Fairbanks fault. Dave and his “superiors” (fingers) thought it improper to allow investors to see we were making mistakes. That was definitely Johns fault. Fired for honesty. “Oh yeah,” John thought as he remembered the time he was written up for being late too often. He should have know when he repeatedly watched management individuals like Lawrence Solis come into work around 7:10, 7:30ish everyday, and then moments later tell John he needs to watch his breaks cause he's currently been on one for 18 minutes. John of course trusted this hypocrisy was to help him become a better business man. Because, you know, Lawrence isn't governed by RTA, so he and the other members of management walk around giving the evil eye for compliance whilst conversing about golf, and that big management campout.

That reminded John in no specific way... three days previously someone had stolen his phone charger. Right off his desk. He was convinced it was Larry Bean. Larry used to borrow it all the time... It was all becoming clear now. Perhaps Larry knew that they were going to fire John soon, what would he do without the constant access to John’s phone charger? He'd steal it that’s what he'd do. Because Larry understood, that John had to be fired, why? Because they could.

See Fairbanks thinks that their secret conspiracy to slowly fire all the old "higher paid" (fingers) employees is genius and undetectable. Anyone that they can find an excuse to fire, they will, to drop that bottom line, and increase the ability to add more hairs to Patrick Coons receding line. Be careful you veterans, ask them what they are paying those they're hiring for the LSR 2 position. It's a lot less then what you make now. Because as we all remember, Patrick Coon expertly pointed out how insignificantly easy we were to replace, and how incredibly overpaid we were.

John’s eyes fixed on the guy called Jeff who had continued talking through the aforementioned thought pattern. John obviously hadn't paid attention, then guy explained to John how, for his privacy he would have to leave immediately, return tomorrow, and pick up the remainder of his stuff. That being said they escorted him out of the building.

John drove home, called his wife and explained to her the day’s events. She yelled hooray! and asked if he was excited. She was obviously referring to the conversation they had the night previous at her sisters 18 year old birthday party. When a young 18 year old lad asked him if he was where he thought he at 18 years old thought he would be when he was 26. The disappointing realization leads John into a fit of depression as he was forced to come to terms with the fact that he hated his job. He absolutely hated it. He didn't like one thing about it. Every night he would joke about getting fired so he would never have to go there again. Truth is those jovial comments were all too real. John remembered the inner turmoil he felt having a job that seemed secure for he and his family. How could he quit, what if he didn't find a better job? There is a family to care for, benefits to have. Maybe he could make Fairbanks his life’s work, move his way up through the usual channels, brown nosing... the thought disgusted him. Day after day however he continued to go to work. Constantly afraid he’d be reprimanded for having to use the men’s room one to many times, or for accidentally hitting the wrong button on your phone for going to lunch, or having to endure another Select Servicing rocks BS email from some obscure name in management. Now he had been forced to change. More than likely this will be the best thing to ever happen to him he thought. He told his wife just the night before, "Sometimes I hope I'll get fired cause that will force me to improve my life." Well, it happened.

That’s the end of the story.

To my fellow employees:

I pity those of you who continue with Fairbanks/SPS. I'll miss the times like when Patrick Said "no more lay offs!" and then we went from 288 employees to 75... Or the fun prizes, like getting a dollar because you answered the phone and it happened to be someone with an MTCN on the other line. I have to admit I answered the phone way more those times... Or the time that Patrick said we would have casual dress for the rest of the year, then (this was clever too) on April fools day he said 'just kidding, you need to dress business, cause if you have a shirt with a collar your a better employee, nay a better person.'... I'll miss living with a ridiculous new name like "Select Portfolio Servicing", and thinking every time I wonder what boner came up with that, that perhaps it was the only one available. Jeez, what about "Captain Radicals Loan Shop"… I’ll miss all the management that never smile and lick each others asses shamelessly to get ahead in this covered up Blue collar existence… Just kidding guys really, I won’t miss those things. I was being sarcastic! Truth is, those are a few of a laundry list of things that sucked about my job… or rather, that suck about your job. Truth is, in Fairbanks attempt to improve the way they treated people, they haven’t changed anything. They have simply redistributed their guile from their customers to their employees.

Now I know what you’re all thinking. John, you’re just upset because you got fired. To that I'll reply, Damn right I am, but I'll get over it, and you'll still be the wiener going to a job you hate and not getting bonus'd. What happened to our bonuses anyway? Maybe they used the money to pay for those little baggies we got promoting the Vegas drawing that, though cute, had not one edible piece of candy or useful item. Cheep bastards!

Keep in touch, those of you that wish to, I do value the friendships I made while there. If you’re ever in the market to buy a house or some cheap wholesale furniture give me a call.

John Maxim
242 N 200 W
Salt Lake City, UT 84103
(801) 541-0849

And remember one thing. In an 8 hour day to be 95% compliant you have 22 minutes of non-compliance to play with. Those are your minutes! Don't ever let anyone take that away from you.

PS: if you can restrain yourself, please refrain from forwarding this all over the place until after 3pm tomorrow so I will be able to pick up my white box, and not find a bomb inside it or have some other calamity befall me. Thanks.

Monday, August 2, 2004

Shouty Audi vs Croatia

I’m sitting here at the match up between Shouty Audi (Shouty) and Croatia. Both teams having a rough season are no doubt hoping this will be the game things turn around. I must admit in that Croatia looks pretty menacing in their National jerseys. I doubt however that Shouty Audi feels intimidated. They game begins, Shouty Audi starts out with a lot of speed and resolve. It becomes clear early on that as a team Shouty is far more fit than their opponents. Possession is ruled by Shouty Audi’s mid-field, their defense looking good with Shaun Miner again at the helm. Shouty’s usual sweeper, Jeremy Pierce missing his fourth out of the last five games. With tenacious Resolve, Shouty’s Offense takes a series of shots. Kevin and Alan Morgan in the Striker positions unfortunately unable to finish anything. Then midway through the half, Cody Naylor takes the ball from 25 yards out. He works it around some Croatia defenders, and gaining a clear shot out past the right corner of the penalty box, takes one. The ball soars towards the top left corner of the goal. Croatia’s keeper jumps for it, it is just to high, and though he gets his hand on the ball, it falls through, bouncing once, then splashing into the side netting. Shouty Audi take the lead in minute 22. The game continues on and Shouty Audi is fighting for more goals, meanwhile Shouty’s keeper is playing an effortless match. As every Croatia drive is thwarted by the capable defense. In one charge Shouty Audi gives the ball to Ben Hiatt. He jukes a defender then looses the ball in a double team. Fighting to get the ball back he knocks the Croatia player over, and draws not only a foul, but a booking as well. The referee awards him a yellowcard. The first half ends without another goal. The score, Shouty Audi 1, Croatia 0. The second half starts off, and Shouty Audi continues to effectively control the ball, and dominate possession. This pays off, when Kevin Morgan brings the ball quickly up the side. He jukes a defender, and makes it to the corner. Not having an open pass he drives along the goal line towards the goal. Croatia’s defense butts the ball out for a throw in. Kevin Morgan takes the throw. He starts way, way back. He runs toward the line, does a front handspring with ball in hand, and sends the ball flying right in front of the goal box. The ball meets the head of Chris Pachiulo, and ricochets perfectly into the goal. That’s Pachiulo’s 2nd goal in division two play. The score is 2 to 0 in the 67th minute. Shouty Audi starts getting a little sloppy, and Croatia’s offense makes a couple of excellent attempts. Sadly, none of them make it across the goal line. Shouty Audi, pretty much maintaining control of the match miss a few great chances. Croatia make a drive, and have a chance when a long ball is passed high into the penalty box, out of no where, Shouty’s keeper John Maxim surprises all by getting to the ball and catching it before it even hits the ground. He boots it really long. Striker Kevin Morgan gets the ball one touches it to Kevin Morgan who out runs his defensive opponent, One on one with the keeper, he fakes left and kicks right. The ball strikes the net, and with 10 minutes left Shouty Audi is up 3 to 0. With time running down Croatia makes a valiant attempt at scoring, and is able to keep the ball within 40 yards of Shouty’s goal for almost all of the remaining time. Several shots are taken, most of which are off the mark. Then Croatia’s #10 gets the ball and takes it deep into the right corner. He sends a cross, to the edge of the goal box. It meets Croatia’s unmarked Striker #4, the ball speeds towards the goal Shouty’s John Maxim reacts. He strikes it with his Right hand, but it still jockeys its way into the goal. In minute 87, Croatia guts Shouty’ shut out. The game ends 3 to 1. A much needed victory for the talented Shouty Audi club. In the opinion of this sportscaster, if they can continue to control the ball the way they did today, they will continue to control the game, including it’s outcome.
-Johnny Metropolis

Shouty minutes:
Cody Naylor - goal – (22)
Ben Hiatt – booking – (43)
Chris Pachiulo - goal – (67)
Alan Morgan – goal (80)
Cody Naylor – booking – (82)