Monday, December 1, 2008

Playlist

Today is the two year anniversary of losing my son Roe. I feel compelled to write something regarding the matter. In looking back over the last two or three years and all of the things which have transpired it is easy for me to sometimes get down. Feelings of depression and sadness over regrets and bad luck constantly plague my thoughts. It has been said by many of you, even on this blog, that I have the worst luck in the world... though I don't totally agree with that, it does seem sometimes that were it not for bad luck I would have no luck. I know that everyone has rough patches and hard times. It's part of life. I think what makes us the best possible version of ourselves is making it through the hard times in the right way. I figured I would share one of my strategies with you. I have a little playlist on my Ipod which I have played over and over and over again since my divorce... I know some of you would quickly get tired of the same 4 songs, but I have found them to be very uplifting. I call it "Smile" (Cheesy? I know. Am I embarrassed? No) I have taken the time to explain each song and what I think it is saying. I am not really interested in what the author actually meant by it or intended when he or she wrote this song, these are simply my interpretations. Enjoy:

I always listen to this song first. The singer is talking about how he feels like he is not worth anything, he can't seem to get "it" right and is therefore in his own eyes a "hopeless case" (I know it sounds depressing, but ride it out) He says, "I have this feeling inside that I wouldn't like me if I met me. seems like a losing fight, if you could see it through my eyes, then you'd believe me." The song continues and he talks about how he's "self-destructive", "insecure", "out of focus", andLink how "anything he touches can be broken". I don't know about you, but I feel like this all the time, I'm filled with doubt about who I am and what I am worth. There are hundreds of songs that preach this same message, and we all can relate. This song has a different twist to it however, which is why I like it so much. The singer is not just lamenting his own low self esteem. He is actually singing to someone else, a loved one or a friend. He cries out, "The truth is that I've had enough, but you still help me, You! You hear the words that I say, You just tell me my hearts in the right place, it's the world that's confused, and it's never too late to save a hopeless case." It's the down-on-himself singer that I am relating to. I'm sitting there feeling sorry for myself, and then he goes and thanks someone for caring about and believing in him. I love this because it forces me to remember all of the people in my life who love me. Especially those who love me in spite of "me." Who see me differently than I see myself. The people who never give up on me. My family, my friends, the people that I truly love. It also reminds me that when I have a friend feeling down and like things are hopeless for them that its NEVER too late for me to save a hopeless case.

I can seldom hear this song with out belting it out at the top of my lungs. Which usually spawns ridicule from my male comrades and swooning adoration from females lucky enough to view the event. Though I don't mind the attention, my love for this song goes deeper than the entertainment value singing it provides. The very first line gives a lot of perspective. "I know this pain" which is then repeated with "I know that there is pain." Its really easy for me to think nobody knows what I am going through, that no one can relate, that my life is worse than anyone else's... and that is just simply not true, and it never will be. There are so many people on this planet, living now, and that have lived, and that will live that really its ridiculous for me to think my journey is exclusive. My favorite part of "Hold On" is that it also points out that the way I deal with the "pain" is my choice. "Why do you lock yourself up in these chains? Don't ever let anyone step all over you." and "You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness. You got yourself into your own mess." and "Don't you think it's worth your time to change your mind?" I am so quick to look to others to blame my unhappiness on, she did that or he said this... no one can make me feel anything. I can choose to be happy regardless of my circumstances, whether or not I made the decision or someone else made the decision that got me into that circumstance. Then the chorus which speaks for itself. "I know that there is pain, butcha hold on for one more day and you break free, break from the chains... Don't you know things can change? Things can go your way if you hold on for one more day." Making that choice to be happy is a daily thing. Making it one day at a time, holding on to that choice is what gets me through the toughest of times.

As well as being an incredibly catchy and fun to listen to song, the writing and message in "Move Along" is very poetic and has many small lessons in it. "Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking." Worrying is not the way to get trough trouble. "When you fall everyone sins." Yep, everyone. I'm not perfect and not expected to
be. "Another day and you've had your fill of sinking." Despair and sadness is very real and reaches us all. "Your hands are shaking, cold. These hands are meant to hold, speak to me." This journey through life is not meant to be traversed alone. I need to share it with others. Then the chorus hits. "When all you've got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do. And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through." What does move along mean? Well, to me it means that I just need to keep doing, to keep living, to press forward. I really like that they say "Even when your hope is gone." Because that happens! Life deals me some pretty tough cards sometimes, but giving up is never the way to "make it through." I find that when my hope is gone that is when I think that my trial is permanent. Funny thing is, when I look back, in retrospect, at other trials in my life, I can see that is never true... but when I'm smack in the middle of a terrible situation it is really hard to see the truth. The truth is, like in "Hold On" that eventually I will make it through, and things will change. Remembering that truth while trouble is abound is the key to surviving it. If, "when all [I've] got to keep is strong, move along." "and even when [my] hope is gone, move along." "when everything is wrong, move along." - just to make it through, and I will.

This song is a little different then the other three, and I always like to finish with it. The message in the first three songs read like a self help book, with common sense messages that we sometimes have a hard time remembering in times of travesty. They are ambiguous and general. Whereas "Believe" tells a very specific story while still relaying a powerful message. It also has a cool electric-violin that I love. This is a post 9/11 story, written one year after the terrorist attacks. The singer talks about the hero who despite the calamity of that day chose to put his life at peril to save others including the singer. The story tells how the hero did not make it, and yet the singer did. The singer starts paying tribute to this hero "Think about the love inside the strength of heart. Think about the hero saving life in the dark. Climbing higher through the fire, time was running out. Never knowing you weren't going to be coming back alive... but you still came back for me. You were strong and you believed." Explaining this as a metaphor for life is too easy, and on the surface this seems like a simple telling of the heroic acts of that day and its aftermath. The chorus is the hero comforting the singer as he saves him, "everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be alright, be strong believe!" Here is where the song gets really good. (I must warn you, for the most part my blog is free from religious commentary, but I think it's important to share how I really feel here.) The story goes - singer lives, and the hero dies. The singer laments, "Think about the chance I never had to say thank you for giving up your life that day." Then the singer tells of the effect that the hero's sacrifice made on him. "I wanna hold my wife when I get home. I wanna tell the kids they'll never know, how much I love to see them smile. I wanna make a change right here, right now. I wanna live a life like you somehow. I wanna make your sacrifice worthwhile!" The chorus repeats, this time the singer is telling himself how he can accomplish the change and follow the hero's example, "everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be alright, be strong believe!" If the fact that these attacks actually happened and what a horrible experience that was isn't enough to bring clarity to my problems. Then I listen to this story, and I am reminded of another hero, one who sacrificed himself for me. I gotta tell you that I believe in Jesus Christ. I know that he lived and I know that he died for me. I know that he took my sins upon himself, and I know that he has felt every pain and sorrow that I will ever encounter. Like the hero in this song, he never feared, he only heard my voice calling out. He showed me how to act, and what the love inside the strength of heart is. He let it all go and sacrificed everything for me. All the while telling me that everything is going to be alright, to be strong and believe. No matter what I am going through, remembering his example helps me remember how much I love my family and others, it makes me want to change who I am, and it makes me want to make his sacrifice worthwhile. I can think of no other message which better teaches me how to treat others, and how to make it through anything life can dish out to me. No matter what I'm going through I can feel him urging me on "everything's gonna be alright, be strong, believe."

This cheesy little playlist has seen me through many a difficult times, especially in the last couple of years. I'm certain many of you could make your own playlists that would probably be better and more profound. This works for me though and makes it very difficult for me to have a bad day. Feel free to borrow it till you can make your own. Or, if you don't like the songs just remember the following things.

It's never too late to save a hopeless case.
Things'll change if you hold on for one more day.
Move along, move along just to make it through.
Everything is gonna be alright, be strong believe.


John Maxim

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Fame and Fortune: the pursuit

So I've had this blog since last January and I haven't done this yet so I hope you'll forgive me. I promise this blog will not turn into a "John is so cool and amazing" type of blog dedicated to all things cool about me (even though it kind of already is).

I met my friend Cameron Daley while serving in England on a mission for my church. Our first meeting went something like this: I was not serving with Elder Daley, but I had heard of him. For a conference my compainion and I had to sleep over at he and his companions flat (thats british for apartment) When Cameron came home he saw me sitting on his couch reading a movie magazine. He looked at me and said "Were did you get that?" I said, "Uh Tesco's." The look on his face made me think he was really kind of upset with me. Sure, the "Total Film" mag I was reading was what some might term "unapproved" reading, but from what I'd heard Elder Daley wasn't the type to be bothered by that. He took a closer look at my magazine and laughed. He explained that he had an "Empire" magazine upstairs in his room. (Empire and Total Film are competeing magazines and this particular month their covers were almost identical) He thought for a minute that I had gone into his room, gone through his things and then started reading his magazine. The truth was even more unlikely, that even without meeting each other, Cameron and I were pretty much the same person.

If you have known Cameron and I for any length of time we've always "joked" about how we want to be famous. In fact, the line I still use is "In seven years you're going to need a VIP pass just to see me." We came up with that line on our missions later, when we eventually served together, which is another funny story that I wont go into here. Unfortunately, as you know, you do not currently, in fact, need any sort of special permission and/or paperwork to see either of us.

Cameron and I both knew that we wanted to be famous and we felt the best way to achieve our goal was to be extremely entertaining. This started with us using scripted dialogue on group dates. Then shortly after I returned home from my mission we made our first Short film in a week. It was called "Wonka Willow Wankers" and to the limited audience who saw it, it was, I'm sure a life changing experience.

It was this taste of fame that made us want it even more. We decided to make a full length movie titled Out of the Blue: Based on Actual Events. This film was loosely based on me and Cam's dating exploits. A lot of people thought that we only made this movie to make out with cute girls. Though that was a nice side effect, even the best make-out doesn't compare to sitting in the balcony of a sold out theater watching and listening to a couple hundred people laugh at something you made.

In the meantime we paid $4000 to Century 16 movie theatre in Salt Lake so we could put up an advertisement on the big screen (pictured throughout this post) prior to movies. There were three adverts which ran for the entire year 2000.
After a couple more shorts films, some script ideas, and a few casting sessions which never came to fruition we decided to change our focus. We moved on to drawing a comic strip called "Out of the Blue". This comic ran in several college newspapers all across the country for free. We didn't want money. (but we wouldn't turn it down) We started hearing people talking about our comic on campus. We received emails about our comic and we even had a few people write letters to campus newspapers trashing on our comics. It was awesome.
When we didn't get offered millions of dollars to be in syndication next to "Marvin" and the "Family Circus", we again changed directions. A new radio station had just kicked off and they didn't have a morning show... it was just a regular DJ. So one day we went to the station, uninvited, and told the receptionist that we were their new DJ's for a morning show and that we were starting monday. It didn't work, and the radio station finally got a morning show... and they suck.

Cameron stumbled across a lame "movie review" show on the cable government access channel 17 in Weber County. It was pitiful. Cameron forced me to watch a few episodes and we just shook our heads in thinking "How are these two imbeciles on TV talking about movies and we aren't?" We knew we could do better. We called the owner of the station. We told him we wanted our own show. He wouldn't let us do a movie review show since he already had one (bummer ) so we pitched him a show called Odd Jobs, starring us. He was hesitant, but told us to film a few episodes and give them to him... so we did. He loved it. He loved it a lot. We couldn't get episodes to him fast enough. Literally. He wanted a new episode every week, but it took us at least a month to film and edit each episode. For that reason, Odd Jobs eventually died.
Now on to the point of this post. Recently Cameron and I discovered that the movie review show that we coveted is no longer on the air. We immediately called Channel 17 and secured our spot as the new movie reviewers. One of the conditions of doing our movie review show was... get this... the owner wants us to film at least 4 episodes of Odd Jobs a year. That's how much he loves that show.

So, Cam and I are in the process of getting our movie review show, The Cinematic Experience, on TV. The process is tedious, but in the meantime, I was hoping that YOU, my blog readers would do me a solid*. The Cinematic Experience is currently on You Tube and we're uploading new reviews every week. Would you be so kind as to log on and watch some of them. The more hits we get and the more subscriptions we get to our channel the higher it will show up on the search engine! If that Cambodian guy who sings for Journey now can be discovered, so can we.
We try to keep our reviews under 5 minutes. We are also extremely interested in any type of feedback you may have. We've received some good and some bad and I can assure you that ALL OF IT is extremely helpful. We've already started incorporating some suggestions we've received into the show. We have a facebook group you should join if you're not a member already. (search for "cinematic experience" in "groups" to find it and join.) And we are currently in talks with comcast about getting our reviews OnDemand. The only reason we do this stuff is because you guys think we're funny. You laughter is appreciated.

John Maxim


*solid = Pop Culture lingo meaning "big favor".

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Perilous Party Planning

John Maxim's birthday is this week. To celebrate he & his friend Kate are planning a bonfire for this weekend, the big kind where you burn furniture and stuff. Due to housing development over the years the old location that John used to go for this activity now had a few stucco ramblers sitting on it.

John Called his friend the fireman to find out where a good location would be to have his celebratory fire. He said, "Go somewhere in the west desert out past Toole. You got any hick Toole friends? They would probably know of a good spot."

John's friend Beau is from Toole, he wasn't a hick, but John decided to try him anyway, so he texted him.

JOHN: Hey, you're from Toole right?
BEAU: Yeah, Why?
JOHN: I'm looking for somewhere to have a huge bonfire. My fireman buddy told me to find someone from Toole, that they would know somewhere in the west desert where I could do it... do you fit this stereotype, and know of somewhere?
BEAU: I don't know what it says about me, but I know a few spots. When are you planning on it?
JOHN: Awesome! Next weekend. It's my Bday. Got a couple couches to burn, need a secluded spot.
BEAU: What's your email I'll send you a google map shot.

John checked his email moments later.
Beau noted in the email: Notice the rock formation next to the spot. It keeps the fire from being visible from I-80.

John told Kate of the location and the invitations went out. On tuesday John was looking at the directions, and he noticed that they were pretty vague. He decided to drive out there and make sure people wouldn't get lost.

It didn't take long to drive out there, about 35 minutes, but he was glad he did. He saw easily that he could have gotten lost on the drive if he would have made it in the dark for the first time. So John took special notes to make the directions more in depth for those who would follow.
The sun went down really fast, and John ended up lost, he missed a turn and headed south without really being aware of it. He tried to double back, but with the narrow dirt roads he was on it made maneuvering difficult. After nearly an hour in the dark John started to think all he could do was park his car and sleep till morning. Luckily his car's GPS, even though it didn't show any roads, let him know which direction he was going. He was able to follow it east till he found a road, which he eventually did.

Scared and alone John called his friend Cameron to calm him. As he pulled up to the road, there sat a pickup facing him. The pickup had a spotlight and shined it right in Johns face for about 5 minutes. John thought, "that must be a cop" explained the situation to Cameron, and concurred. Then the spotlight turned off and the truck began reversing on the road. This was weird, but John took this as his queue to turn onto the road. Maybe it was just a pickup with a spotlight, a farmer or a rancher? If it was a cop wouldn't it have hit it's lights by now? As John started down the road the truck continued to reverse, matching Johns speed.

John explained over the phone to Cameron how another car was coming up behind him. He couldn't believe it, the truck was driving 35 miles an hour in reverse! Once the car to the rear of him got close John decided enough was enough and sped past the truck. Thats when the car that was coming up behind him flipped on its overhead lights. The truck that had been masterfully reversing did the same and turned around. Then they were joined by a 3rd police car.

John pulled over and thought to himself "If this is what happens just from driving around at night then there's no way we can do the bonfire here." Cameron asked him to put the phone on the seat so that he could hear the experience. A siren went of loudly for a split second, so John rolled his window down.

Over an intercom a female VOICE said: driver put your hands outside of the window.

John complied.

VOICE: Driver if there is a passenger with you please stick your thumbs up.
John didn't know what to do there was no passenger, so he just left his hands there.

VOICE: Driver stick your thumbs up if there is a passenger in your car.

John thought for a second and then slowly put both of his thumbs down.

VOICE: Driver exit the vehicle slowly with your hands up.

John complied. and he started to think about what he was going to say when they asked him what he was doing out here at 10 at night in the middle of nowhere. He concocted a good little yarn he hoped would do the trick.

VOICE: Driver walk around to the back of your vehicle and face the trunk.

VOICE: Now walk backwards towards my vehicle.

VOICE: Kneel down. Interlace your fingers behind your head and remain kneeling.

John can hear someone exit the car to the side of him. It was a male officer.

COP: (yelling) Is there a passenger in your car.
JOHN: No.
COP: (yelling louder) Is there another person in your car
JOHN: No.

The man comes up behind John and grabs one of his arms.

JOHN: Am I under arrest?

The man handcuffs John and then steps firmly on the bottom of his foot making certian he is as immoble as possible, and ignores his question.

COP: I am going to ask you one more time, is there a passenger in your car.
JOHN: No.
COP: What about a gun. Got a gun on you or in your car.
JOHN: No.

At this point John decided that when they asked him what he was doing out here that he would just tell the truth. The female cop walks up and asks John if she can search his car. John said yes and notices that she is hot! Not hot-for-a-chick-cop hot, but hot no-matter-what-she-is hot. She searched his car while the other officer grabbs his wallet and starts interrogating him.

COP: What are you doing out here this time of night?
JOHN: This girl sent me an invitation to a campfire and the directions were all crazy and didn't make any sense, so I decided to drive out here and see if I could find the spot she described... I couldn't find anything - got lost and feared I'd have to sleep in my car till morning to find my way home. I was just trying to be prepared you know.
CHICK COP: Can I search your trunk.
JOHN: Sure, yes.

John was glad the hot sherrif was searching his car right infront of him. It was the only silver lining he could think of during the situation. Especially since he knew better than anybody that the fact that he didn't do it had never helped him when he was in handcuffs before. The cop standing on his foot reads his information to dispatch. The female cop finishes searching his car and then walks around in the grass shining her light on the ground as if to look for the supposed gun John had thrown out his window.

JOHN: Who was driving in reverse 35 miles an hour?
COP: That was me, and it was 40.

John wondered how he knew this, because he didn't think speedometers worked in reverse, but didn't bother questioning the guy since he only started this line of questioning to lighten things up.

JOHN: That was pretty impressive, but I couldn't tell if you were a murderer or a policeman.
COP: I had to wait for back up, and you were playing along...

John notices his knees are starting to hurt from kneeling on the asphault.

JOHN: Um, can I kneel back and rest on my heels?
COP: Hold on.

John hears dispatch repeat his license number, name, and address.

COP: You can stand up.

John stands and the lady cop walks towards him as the other Cop undoes his handcuffs.

CHICK COP: We had a domestic assult with a gun. Witnesses reported that the suspect drove off with a passenger in this direction in a white Ford Taurus. Someone could have mistaken your car for a Taurus. We are sorry for the inconvienence.
JOHN: No problem, you guys are just doing your jobs.
John wished he had said something like "does this mean I don't get to ride back to the station with you." but he was too much of a coward and knew it of course wouldn't result in anything but some laughter.As John walked towards his car they asked him one more question.

COP: So what about this party, whats going on?
JOHN: Oh, it's in like 3 weeks and its just a campfire with some friends.
COP: Oh that sounds fun, just be safe.

John grinned as he walked back to his car... that almosted sounded like permission.


Johnny Metropolis

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Self Diagnosis

Many of you have seen me limping around or sporting a pair of very stylish crutches. When asked what happened I have thus far responded with two answers depending on the time I feel I have to respond.

Answer 1: Oh nothing, I just use these crutches/walk-with -this limp so that girls will notice me.

Answer 2: There was this orphaned baby in the middle of the street and in order to save it from a speeding Volvo driven by a hooligan youth I ran and kicked the baby across the street out of harms way! Thus injuring my foot.

The real answer is so lame I am embarrassed to even be injured. I was playing football (not soccer) and as I charged the quarterback he broke left, I attempted to give chase, but when I started to turn a sharp excruciating pain affected the bottom left side of my left foot. So strong was the pain, that I collapsed to the ground with out being touched by anyone and then limped home. I have been limping ever since.

I don't have health insurance, however it was clear within the first few hours that this was not the type of injury which I could just "walk off." I was not going to go see the doctor. Two years ago I broke my ankle. I went to the doctor, they took an X-ray, told me it was broken, gave me a walking cast a pair of crutches and told me to stay off of it "till it doesn't hurt anymore." Then they sent me a bill for $1800!

As I lay on my couch nearly in tears I decided I would take an ibuprofen and follow the same advice for this injury. Crutches cost $40 at Wal-mart, and it wasn't my ankle so I didn't need an ankle brace. It was my foot, so I wrapped it in an ace bandage and called it good.

A week later The pain had not gone down much and I started to think perhaps something drastic was amiss. So I did what any other prudent uninsured American would do, I consulted Google.

I soon found out about people all over who had suffered almost identical symptoms as I was experiencing. I learned about the Peronius Brevis Tendon. It is located where that yellow arrow is pointing on this diagram. Whoever created us really wasn't thinking about where they put this tendon on our body. Or at least they really weren't thinking that we humans were ever going to be wearing shoes or running on cement. Here is what can often happen because of it's location in our foot.

A lot of athletic cleats have soles which are smaller than the soles of our feet. This is especially true for those of us with extra wide feet... like me. As pictured here you can see what I am talking about.

While running and turning left all of my bodies weight (approx 200 lbs) was resting on this tendon... well it tore, or was severely strained. The treatment for such an injury is to stay off of it for a couple months, and keep it wrapped tightly - get this - "until it doesn't hurt anymore."

Another week went by and the pain was still pretty strong. I'll admit that even though I felt pretty confident in my diagnosis, I started to be concerned, thinking that perhaps I had gotten it wrong and that there was something worse going on, or something that I was making worse by not having some doctor suggested treatment I couldn't find via Google. I knew however that I definately didn't want to go to the doctor and pay them a couple of G's to tell me what I probably already knew.

A friend of mine had mentioned to me how there are free clinics all over the place... with all the hullabaloo about universal health care I thought this was a fallacy! I was surprised to discover that the rumor is completely true. I discovered the 4th Street Clinic. It's website advertises free health care for homeless individuals. I called the clinic and found out that they help everyone for free, homeless or not. They also gave me the number of several other free health clinics around the state. I ended up going to a clinic in Park City which sees people on Tuesdays and Thursdays for free.

The Doctor who saw me, Doctor J. Staples, works at a regular health care location, but volunteers one Tuesday a month to come to the free clinic. He looked at my foot, and before long gave me some familiar sounding advice. I was exactly right in my self diagnoses, including my determination of treatment. He told me to stay off it for a couple months and keep it wrapped! I donated $100 to the clinic for the trouble and crutched my way out to my car with a grin!

"Lot's of people go to college for 7 years!."
"Yeah, their called Doctors."

Hmph, Doctors.


John Maxim

Friday, November 14, 2008

up or down?

So I go to dinner with my friend Scott. He is a male cheerleader, weird I know. Anyway, I am always telling him that he should get his cheer girls to come hang out with us, which I know is a stretch because they are between the ages of 18-22 and why would they want to hang with a geezer right?

Anyway Scott finally delivers and we go get something to eat with these girls. I try not to be "ageist" but the experience I had needs to be shared. Meet Ann, she is a cheerleader at Salt Lake Community College, she is almost 21 years old. She seemed to think I was pretty funny, and I thought, I might have a chance with this chick, sure, when she was getting baptised I was graduating High School, but really whats the difference between 20 and 30? Ann had a friend who was cuter and seemed a little more mature for her age, so I wasn't really eager to go after her initially, she was just paying me more attention. I found out it wasn't cause she was into me.

Ann begins telling me about her Mom, her name is Nicole. Nicole is 39, she had Ann when she was 19, she has since been divorced and is always on the lookout for eligible bachelors. I mention of course to Ann that I am the most eligible bachelor I know. Ann tells me she wants to set me up with her Mom! I could have been offended, but Ann is 20, that's really young, and she has a boyfriend, and we know what relationships are like when you're 20. When I was 21 I dated a 27 year old, and that was awesome, and I have never been out with someone older than 33, so 39 would be new, however I doubt any different. I thought about it and was amazed at the similar rationale... sure, when I was getting baptised she was graduating high school, but really whats the difference between 30 and 40?

30 dating 20 - not weird. 39 dating 30 - not weird. The fact that 39 and 20 are Mom and Daughter... well that would only be weird if I dated both of them, right? ...and that would have nothing to do with age.
John Maxim

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Honest Answer

Traversing the world of dating for a second time really sucks. I still have a lot to learn and will undoubtedly be given lessons this harsh in the futrue. I'm starting to think I'm not very good at it. I am going to post an actual text conversation that I had. I will leave the pre-convo and post-convo circumstances to you, the readers, imaginations.

GIRL at 11:00 AM:
Hey... so... i didn't want to bring this up and make things awkward, but... i can't really tell if you are interested in me or not, which leads me to think you aren't, but i kinda would like to know. I would be interested. But if not, i don't see why you would mind me going out with Roger. Not that he asked, I am just wondering.

GIRL at 2:29 PM:
No thoughts on that huh?

JOHN at 2:57 PM:
I should be and infact I want to be interested, but I'm not. I'm still too messed up from my divorce & emotionally unavailable. I still want to be friends though & hope this doesn't make it awkward. I'm sorry on the Roger thing, I didn't mean to communicate not to go out with him, I was just warning you about who he is. You're a big girl though, you can take care of yourself. I want things to be cool with us & hope they are. Thanks.

GIRL at 2:58 PM:
This is why i told you weeks ago that i didn't want to make out with you, to avoid this situation. Yes it is awkward. No we cannot still be friends.

JOHN at 3:00 PM:
I'm really sorry to hear that. I think you're being unfair. I hope you will reconsider.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

First Date Questions

I will often ask some of the same questions on a first date to try and determine if the lady I am with is qualified to be in my company. It's amazing how most all of them are. They always ask me the same questions back, so I have jotted down my pat answers to uh, a few of my pat questions:

Do you like soccer?
JOHN: I love soccer. A lot. I didn’t start playing till I was 24, and the only regret I have in life is that I didn’t start playing earlier. When I was in High school, I played Baseball, and thought soccer was gay. Then when I was 24 I only started playing to try and impress a girl… the girl thing didn’t pan out, but I found soccer. We were made for each other. If soccer was a chick, I’d marry her.

Do you have any pets?
JOHN: Yep, two dogs. My Dogo Argentino (that’s is a breed) is named Vodka and he is 7, and my Border collie/rat terrier mix is is named Movie and he is 7 also, I baby them pretty badly, but instead of talking baby talk, I usually pick them up a cheeseburger anytime I get fast food.

Which character do you think is sexier? Indiana Jones or James Bond.
JOHN: I think Indiana is a little sexier. Both are sexy, but when I compare the sweaty, hairy chest, getting dirty, sun baked skin, and whip versus the slick, tuxedo clad, PPK wielding, champagne connoisseur. I like my men a little more manly and not so emotionally calloused as Mr. Bond.

Which do you like better, if at all? The Simpson’s, Family Guy, South Park
JOHN: I love the Simpson’s. I think the Family guy is okay. I didn’t used to like Southpark much, but recently I have been watching it and finding it very funny so I am changing my mind.

What's your favorite season, and why?
JOHN: I love summer. I can have more fun, walks, picnics, skateboarding, yard work, beach, hiking, biking. All kinds of really fun things that I can do in the summer. Give me a beautiful sunny day where I can wear shorts and it’s pretty hard for me to have a bad day.

What is something embarrassing that has happened to you?
JOHN: I was on a date when I was 18. It was a group date, and I crapped my pants. Really crapped them, not like - I thought I was farting and a little turd popped out, I crapped my pants, and they all knew it. Since then I don’t get embarrassed. Bad as it sounds, it is a pretty funny story, but it's better told with hand gestures than typed.

Do you prefer hot dogs or hamburgers?
JOHN: I love hot dogs, but only under certain conditions. I have to have either sauerkraut or Dill relish, not hotdog relish or sweet relish. I also love tomato’s on my wiener. If I don’t have those, then I would rather take a burger any day, but usually when presented with the choice I eat both if I can.

What female celebrity (or male, if that's what you're into) do you find most attractive, and why?
JOHN: My top three female actresses are Jessica Alba, Kristen Bell, and Kate Beckinsale. I don’t know why exactly, but I catch my mouth open more often when they are on screen then others.

In the freezing cold do you start your car & run back in the house till it’s warm, or do you just jump in and go, shivering till it warms up?
JOHN: I freeze the arse. I am never prepared enough to warm up the car.

What is a question I would never ask you? and what is the answer?
JOHN: You would never ask me: "Describe the sensation one feels when they put toothpaste on their nipples?" However, if you did, I would furrow my brow thinking of the experience and then go on to regale you with a description of pain, awful burning pain. The kind you feel for a couple of days. I do not recommend it.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween

I went to a total of 6 parties in three counties over the week preceeding halloween as Michael Phelps ! It was nothing less than liberating. The protrayal of such a revered figure bares some serious responsibility.You may think there is a prostetic stomach involved in the costume, but thats just because you are used to seeing me with my clothes on and I buy slim fit tees. It was such a convincing costume, that people were walking up to me saying, "Hey Michael have you seen John Maxim anywhere?"
Imodest? I don't see how dressing up like Michael Phelps, An American Icon, can be construed as imodest. Can it?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Red Handed

Below is an email that Cameron and I got for our Movie Review show. For those of you who don't know, Cameron and I got a show which will start airing on cable access channel 6 next week. We have put up each review individually on youtube. It pleases me to no end that we were actually noticed by the Associated Press, automated or not. (the reviews are edited by Jon Madsen, and the logo was designed by Lara Durham)

Dear CinematicExperience,

Your video
"Eagle Eye (2008) The Cinematic Experience Review" has been identified by YouTube's Content Identification program as containing copyrighted content which Associated Press (AP) claims is theirs.
Your video
"Eagle Eye (2008) The Cinematic Experience Review" is still available because Associated Press (AP) does not object to this content appearing on YouTube at this time. As long as Associated Press (AP) has a claim on your video, they will receive public statistics about your video, such as number of views. Viewers may also see advertising on your video's page.

Claim Details:

Copyright owner: Associated Press (AP)
Content claimed: Some or all of the visual content
Policy: Allow this content to remain on YouTube. Place advertisements on this video's watch page.
Applies to these locations:Everywhere

Associated Press (AP) claimed this content as a part of the YouTube Content Identification program. YouTube allows partners to review YouTube videos for content to which they own the rights. Partners may use our automated video / audio matching system to identify their content, or they may manually review videos.

If you believe that this claim was made in error, or that you are otherwise authorized to use the content at issue, you can dispute this claim with Associated Press (AP) and view other options in the
Video ID Matches section of your YouTube account. Please note that YouTube does not mediate copyright disputes between content owners. Learn more about video identification disputes.

Sincerely,
The YouTube Content Identification Team

© 2008 YouTube, LLC

Friday, October 17, 2008

Manna from heaven

It was Saturday night. John Maxim had season tickets to the Real Salt Lake game. He originally had a date, but decided that he really didn't want to go out with her so he cancelled, and wondered who he was going to give his extra ticket to.

His roommates were all already going to the game too. He decided to take his friend Ben. The game was fun, as per usual, and being there with another dude wasn't at all like the time he went and saw the chick flick "Return To Me" with just his friend Cameron one Saturday night. The game ended and Real Salt Lake lost... again. It was Ben's first pro soccer game and John always felt a little dumb when he took his friends to games when they lose.

As they were leaving the game, John realized it was really only 9:30. And as they say, the night was young. While they started the trek through the stadium towards where they had parked. They had to walk single file and conversation wasn't ideal. Johns mind wandered thinking about what the rest of the night might have to offer.

Once out of the stadium, Ben says, "Did you see those two hot girls?" John said "No, where?" Ben pointed ahead of them to two figures about 30 yards away. They did indeed looked hot from there. John wasn't sure about Ben's taste, and since they happened to be heading the same direction picked up the pace to insure the females weren't in the "good from far but far from good" category.

There was still crowd going their direction and the girls were a little mixed up as to where they were exactly so John and Ben gained on them a little bit faster then they were intending. They ended up right behind them. Ben was right, they were very attractive (smoking hot)... these were the kind of girls John tried to go out with, even though he wasn't good looking enough for them.

John and Ben didn't say much, and neither did the two hottys. It seemed that both parties were aware of each other, but didn't really want to let on. John tried to force a conversation with Ben about fantasy football, but he and Ben really just kept looking at they're attractive backsides and walking.

It occurred to John that if he or Ben were to say something it might seem a bit creepy. They might think they were following them. Afterall what are two girls alone in the dark likely to think. Neither John or Ben made any attempt to strike up a conversation, and really weren't saying much to each other either.

They had been walking for a whole block and came up to a cross walk. It was one of those crosswalks where all of the lights went green at once. There was still a bit of a crowd, and when the light went green people walked in all directions. Without trying, John and Ben found themselves ahead of the two hotty's, still heading the same direction.

They walked another whole block, just the four of them. John thought to himself, "Ben is much better looking then me, by at least two points, he'll say something." Well, he didn't. Then John thought, "Perhaps Ben thinks that because I am so funny that I should say something... but what would I say?"

There was another cross walk coming up, were one stategizing a plan of attack, it would be the best time to initiate something. Some lines were running through John's head, like, turning and looking a couple of times kind of nervously and then saying "Um... are you guys following us? What do you want?" Or he thought he could just say, "So, what did your boyfriends do, that you left them at home and came to the game by yourselves?" A few other s popped into his head... but he didn't say anything. He just stood at the corner and stared across the street.

Once John realized he wasn't going to say anything like a big fat coward. He kept hoping Ben would say something. He didn't. After practically walking these girls to their car with out saying a word John and Ben get into Johns car. The girls walk on to their car which was parked just 30 feet away.

"I can't believe we didn't say anything" exclaimed John. "Well I said something at those sprinklers but they didn't respond." replied Ben. "You did? Are you sure they heard you? What did you say? I didn't hear you and I was standing right next to you." John asked. "No, I did, maybe they didn't hear me."

John and Ben hung their heads as the realization of what had just occurred sunk into to their thick cowardly skulls. What do two single guys hope for when they are out? They hope that they will meet two good looking girls. This is exactly what any guy could ever hope for. Two girls - Two really hot girls, alone at a soccer game on a Saturday night. Who happened to leave the stadium at the exact same time as them, and happened to park not 30 feet from where they parked. They were walking the same way for four full blocks and with all of Ben's looks, and all of Johns whit they couldn't even muster a "Hello."

The two men went home and watched TV like a couple of losers, once every 15 minutes or so one of them would lament their poor performance. It was too perfect a set up, it's as if some higher power were handing these two nubile beauty's to them and they just decided to reject the gift. When the Israelites rejected the manna given them the "Lord smote them with a great plague..." One wonders what a great plague is in terms of relationships? I guess John and Ben are going to find out.



Johnny Metropolis

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Blog Post

I have been getting a lot of you who have been asking me why I am not posting to my blog... So I decided today I would update it. I had planned a clever little entry about what one does when they have missed blogging. I even went to the lengths to look up a bunch of my peers blogs and see what they did after missing a big chunk of time blogging... then I wrote a paragraph or two and I got done and thought. This totally sucks. There is not one bit of redeeming value in this blog post. It's not funny, informative, or interesting. I deleted it and stared at the wall for a while thinking to myself "what could I write..."

After a while I decided I didn't have anything that fit the previously mentioned adjectives. So I figured I'd just write and see what happens. So far the post still sucks and I am thinking that maybe today wasn't the best time to post...

So whats been going on in my life? What could possibly have been monopolizing my time so that blogging was being neglected?

The Bad: A girl I had a crush on is all but engaged to someone else. I haven't made any money for nearly six months. I ran my car into an inanimate object. Some of my oldest closest friends have told me they no longer trust me. My dog is going blind. I can't seem to meet a girl who interests me. My roof needs to be replaced. and I have been working nearly 80 hours a week - still not making any money.

The Good: I went to Lake Powell and stayed on a houseboat last month for the first time ever. My friend Cameron and I got a movie review show on Comcast channel 6! I am in the best shape of my life. My soccer team has a winning record. I've been living off of fresh grown vegetables out of my own garden. I broke the 200 friends mark on Facebook which are all actual friends - not just acquaintances. My parents love me and let me know it. I like all my roommates.

The Middle: I found out that even though my brother is taller than me by two whole inches, that my arms are longer than his, so either I'm an ape or he's like T-Rex. I finished all three seasons of Battlestar Galactica.

So for some reason all of that junk has made it difficult for me to make blog posts... I will try to do better in the future. I left the links to others blog posts after they had missed a while that were in my original blog post below and the words that I was using to describe them for your bemusement.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Textersation

JOHN
GIRL
What are the chances we get
to hang?
I will Have to say since it took
you so long to respond to me
I will just have to see.
You're lucky you're as pretty as
you are so you can play games
like that. I'll just cross my
fingers.
Good idea mr nice words guy...
Keep em crossed tightly!
They're turning blue already,
hopefully I have some fingers
when it happens. Unless
you're too cool.
I just decided that may be one
of the lamest things I have
heard in a long while John. Did
you make it up?
I'm confused are you
confusing me with another
guy you have a huge crush on
or what?
No. I am talking about the too
cool thing being really lame.
Maybe you are mixing me up
with some other chick. One
thats at least an 8 or 9.
I could only mix you up with
another 9...
A 9? Wow...
I love the humility.
Oh john... Be safe driving.
Keep working on our ten year
plan...
10!!? I thought we talked about
2?...
Two years? O yes, I forgot
that small detail there. So July
2010?
So, what exactly is happening
then??? Are we getting married?
Or are we just doing like they
do on the Discovery channel?
Dude! What do they do on the
discovery channel... ?? You had
a full plan going last night.
Just keep with that. The end
result is tbd.??
FIVE DAYS LATER
How was labor day? Hook up
with any mediocre looking
idiots?
Lol! That's so me to do that...
They really weren't that bad...
but no hook ups...
Okay, only one of thems an
idiot. Too bad on the hook up,
I wanted to see if I'd get
insanely jealous...
Ha ha. You may have other
for jealousy though... No details
at this time! I am sure you are
being the ladies man as usual.
Let me know the details when
they become available, I'm not
a jealous guy, so I don't know
if I would get jealous. If I do,
then it's a big deal. I'd be
excited to find out.
You got it! Maybe you wouldn't
be. I don't know! It does
involve dating though so you
may find it interesting and
you might even be proud of me!
How does our bet work if you
get married by December?
Well we never stated exact
terms for that. I still believe
you are well on your way... It
is not an option for me but you
are another story!
I think the fact that it took me
a year and 1/2 to make a move
on you, considering my HUGE
crush, is evidence that my
movement towards commitment
is not going to be speedy.
Good point. Well I guess we
will just have to wait and see
what happens john :)
LATER THAT NIGHT
Our textersation this morning
was pretty stellar, mind if I
post it on my blog?
Lol! Go for it!
TWO DAYS LATER
So did you blog our convo? I
need to read it!...
Not yet, but I will, it's way past
your bedtime isn't it?
It's only 950 seriously! I know
you think I am a grandma...
but tomorrow is friday!
Are you in bed? In your jammies?
Thinking about me?
Oh JM you never cease to
kill me!
I would be extremely,
EXTREMELY flattered were
that the case, the jammies
thing I mean.
Well,.. If you think me wearing
shorts and a t-shirt to bed is
that great then... I am kidding
Have fun blogging
Thanks for the mental image,
that'll be a gem to fall asleep
to.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

couple more captions

Mmmm... Chips!

They starred at that spot on the floor for three hours! Still, none of them know why?

On Friday John accidentally forgot to put in his contacts. Everything was going okay and he thought, "This is nice, I can see well enough." Then he drove home at dusk, and realized how bad his vision really was. It was a white-knuckle drive from hell. He survived.


Man, that chick with the St. Louis Cardinals cap on is UGLY!


SINGING KARAOKE

"I don't want anybody else, and when I think about you I wet myself, whoa-oh-oh..."

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Caption

GIRL WITH GLASSES
Hey, look we are all wearing shorts lets take a picture together!
OTHER GIRL WITH GLASSES
I agree, wow what a coincidence.
GIRL WITHOUT GLASSES
If only I would have worn glasses...
NON-GIRL
Okay fine, but only if I get to sit between two girls.

After shelling out $300 dollars in tickets due wholly to the 36.1% (dark) tint on his front windshield and windows John was finally able to get his car registered yesterday. The excitement on his face in this photo says everything.

JOHN
Sit Vodka, sit! Good Dog.
VODKA
I'll do anything, anything you want. Just give me that marshmallow.

Ba by-sit: transitive verb -to pacify multiple children with the cartoon network, while feeding all of them as many Otter Pops as they can eat.

CAMERON
How about Johnny Depp?
JOHN
Johnny Depp was in "Whats eating Gilbert Grape" with Leonardo Dicapprio who was in "Titanic" with Kate Winslet who was in "Sense and Sensibility" with Hugh Grant who was in "Bridget Jones Diary" with Renee Zellweger who was in "Jerry MacGuire" with Tom Cruise who was in "A Few Good Men" with Kevin Bacon.
CAMERON
Five movies? Cutting it pretty close.
JOHN
Can you think of a better way?