Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Adoption Chronicles: The Letter


Hi, this is John, the hopeful adoptive parent of your soon to be born son. I wanted to write you a quick letter, from one man to another. I don’t envy the position you are in, 16 and already faced with some pretty hard life choices. I bet it’s pretty difficult to weigh all of the pros and con’s that come with which ever decision you make.
You are young and you have a lot of life to look forward to. I’m only 10 years older than you, some of the greatest and best times I have had were in my late teens and early twenty’s. I’m a little jealous that that is what you have to look forward to. When we spoke on the phone briefly, I could tell by the intelligent loaded questions that you were asking that you have given this adoption thing a lot of thought. I doubt I will say anything in this letter that is new or that will sway your decision in any way. I figured however I would offer a couple of things for you to consider again.
This decision you have to make, which takes a lot of things into consideration, foremost the child’s best interests and future. Let’s not forget however your best interests and future and Nikki’s best interests and future. Now, it seems that Nikki is not very high on your list of favorite people right now, but obviously she has some redeeming qualities if you spent enough time with her to be in this situation.
What are the child’s best interests?… that’s tough to determine. Should he be with his Mom and Dad who were not planning on having him, who don’t like each other and still have so much of their own life to live and things to learn? Who will also not be living together and not be spending much time together with him. A boy who will probably grow up with a step father and step mother with step brothers and sisters, and have to deal with all of the relationship issues that come with that. People playing favorites in the family, wondering if he belongs. Although on the other hand they are his blood parents, they will love him there is no doubt of that, and they will try their very best to raise him properly. He may never feel like he wasn’t loved or abandoned, never have to wonder who his parents are or feel awkward about what he will say to them the first time.
What are the best interests for you, a father that may only get to see his son occasionally? A Father who will have to pay hundreds of dollars a month in child support for a few hours, maybe a weekend or two a month of quality time. A father who will always wonder worry and probably have to defend the things said by the boy’s mother, grandmother, and step father. Who could possibly be competing with a step father for affection and love? Even competing for the title “Dad”? Although on the other hand a Father that will know and have a relationship with his son. Something that he helped to create. A father that will get to impart of the many life lessons he’s learned and teach his boy how to be a man.
What about Nikki’s best interests. I think a lot of people think you don’t care what happens to Nikki in all this, but I think different. I think that you understand she is in a difficult situation too. She a mother that will have to work the life of a single mother, limiting the time the child gets with her. A mother who will have a difficult time completing high school and college so that she can offer the best lifestyle to her son. Who may never get to pursue her dreams because of a decision she made one night with a boy she really liked at the time. Although on the other hand a Mother that will know and have a relationship with her son. Something that she helped to create. A Mother that will get to impart of the many life lessons she’s learned and teach her boy how to be a man.
What about adoption then. Well I can only tell you the life he would have with us. The boy will be loved; will know that his birth parents were young and unprepared for the task of raising a child. Will know that his birth parents set aside their own wants to selflessly think only of him, because they really loved him! He will know what kind of people his birth parents are, and when he is old enough and ready, he will be encouraged to pursue a relationship with them. You will still get to see him grow up; I will send monthly letters and pictures, updates on how his life is going. Although on the other hand, he may be wondering one day if he was really loved, he will have to deal with the issues all adopted kids do. There may be times he will be confused and feel like he doesn’t belong.
Yes Aaron my friend, a difficult difficult choice lay ahead of you. I only hope you realize and really truly realize that this is your choice to make. Not your Mom’s, not mine, not Nilkki’s Mom. Just you and Nikki. You and Nikki made the choice to have sex all by yourselves; I think that means you also have the right and responsibility to make this choice all by yourselves. Free from other influences.

Best of luck to you. You know we realize that if we don’t get to adopt your son, another family will come along and pick us to be the adoptive parents of their child. I mean we are pretty cool, once you get to know us. There is something special about your son though. Some special connection that I can’t really explain, I’m not very superstitious or spiritual, but there is definitely something there. That’s why we are willing to try a little harder to get this one to work out. Again it’s not our decision. It’s yours, be a man, be mature and do what you think is right.

Thanks for reading, if you actually made it this far.


PS Should you change your mind, and think that adopting to us would be a acceptable compromise to you and Nikki’s differences, we would really like to meet with you and get to know you so that we can let your son know what kind of Man you are.

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