Friday, May 16, 2008


This morning went to Jamba Juice to get some breakfast. I was up late last night and I had just gone to the gym. Today was Chest, bi’s and Abs day, which is always the most physically taxing of my workout routines. So needless to say I was a little sweaty, extremely tired, and not looking my best. Subconsciously, I scanned the room for hotties upon entrance. I noticed a girl who was really cute sitting waiting for her order. I of course knew that I was in no shape to be hitting on anyone, and in truth wouldn’t have had the testicular fortitude would I have looked my best. So I waited in line and didn’t pay any more attention to her. After ordering a “peach perfection” with an energy boost, I found a stool and sat and waited.

I noticed something on my shirt which looked like old crusted food, which is weird because before todays sweat deposits, this was a clean shirt. I inspected it closely, but couldn’t make out what it could be. I started to scratch it off, to try and get rid of it. That’s when I heard a voice, very close to me.

GIRL: Are you John Patrick Henderson?
I was surprised; I had changed my last name to Maxim nearly 6 years ago. If this girl knew me, it was from a long time ago and she didn’t know me well. I looked up, and it happened to be the aforementioned cute girl. She had walked over and was standing closer than seemed prudent. I suddenly became very conscious of my breath, I had brushed this morning, but I hadn’t eaten anything, so I was worried that it still might stink a bit.
JOHN: Yep, that’s me.
GIRL: You don’t remember me do you?
JOHN: No, I’m sorry, I have a terrible memory though, did we date or something?
GIRL: (laughs) No, I was in the 41st ward with you a long time ago. You taught Sunday school.
We were interrupted when a Jamba Juice employee called out “Lindsay, Mega Mango!”
GIRL: Oh that’s mine, hold on.
I sit there and try to think, Lindsay, Lindsay, the only Lindsay I remember from that ward is not this girl. I absolutely do not remember her at all. She comes back.
GIRL: Maybe you don’t remember me; we never really hung out or anything. I loved your class though, it was always so funny. So what are you up to now, how is your wife?
Oh great, I thought, here is the question that always sinks the ship, I decide to try and work around it.
JOHN: I’m just livin the dream, did you know Lara too?
GIRL: Not really… I just remember that she was so beautiful, and you guys were such a cute couple.
I paused for a second, I mean how am I supposed to respond to that without sounding like an idiot. I recognized that I needed to divulge that I am divorced so I could flirt without looking like a philanderer. At the same time I didn't want to come accross as one of those bitter divorced guys. Then I realized that the way I was sitting on the stool coupled with how short she was had me looking down. I again felt self conscious cause when I do that my neck tends to double up and it makes me look tubby. I arch my neck a bit, and decide to respond with a subtle mention.
JOHN: When one half of a couple is as good looking as my Ex was it tends to make the whole couple better looking, which is cool because I’m used to being with women who are out of league. So, I’m sorry but I don’t remember you at all, what is your name?
We were interrupted when a Jamba Juice employee called out “John, Peach Perfection!”
GIRL: My name is Lindsay.
JOHN: Hold on.
I walk over to grab my smoothie, and the awkwardness of this dawns on me… I really am not very good at this sort of thing, a few hundred ways to ask her for her number pop into my head in that 13 second walk, but by the time a got back to where she was standing I hadn’t decided on anything.
GIRL: Yeah we used to say hi and stuff, but that was a long time ago. So how long have you been divorced?
This question boosted my confidence just a little. Even though I didn’t want to get into the particulars of my divorce, it was kind of a loaded question, a question which I interpreted as interest on her part.
JOHN: About a year and a half ago.
There was a pause for a minute, like she was expecting me to elaborate, then a look of embarrassment came over her... and probably me too - I don't know, I couldn't see myself.
JOHN: I won’t bore you with the gory details, besides our friendship is still in its infancy, after we hang out a few times then I’ll feel comfortable crying on your shoulder… (She smiles) ...So do you work around here?
I mentally gave myself a high five for that killer response. We made a little getting to know you small talk. Slowly we had meandered out to Jamba’s patio. She was laughing slightly more than average at my humorously mediocre banter. After 3 or 4 minutes I could tell that the conversation was starting to dry up. I figured ending it on a high would be a good move. So I looked at the time on my phone.
JOHN: Lindsay, it was great meeting you – or seeing you again depending on perspective… it’ll be pretty hard to hang if I don’t get your number...

We exchanged numbers, and as I walked back to my car the smile on my face, which was there because of my seeming triumph, only got bigger when I realized that if she was digging on me in my current state, what was she going to think when I cleaned myself up. Then, I realized that even un-sweaty, clean, shaven, and dressed better I was still only a 6, which would not normally merit a 8 – 8 ½ looking girl like her walking up and talking to me. I marveled how far being a somewhat funny guy can go… that whole experience only happened because I taught a couple of funny Sunday school lessons five or six years ago.

John Maxim

Monday, May 12, 2008

May 12th

Today is my son... or former son... or former adopted son's 2nd birthday. I'm not sure what his appropriate title should be. I guess I could call him the "kid I tried to adopt but didn't quite make it." or "that boy I babysat for 7 months between him being born and him being placed with his new family." It does give cause for lots of further explanation when I refer to him as "my son", since, well, I don't have a son. People just getting to know me have to hear the whole story. Which means I have to tell it all over again...
HOTTIE: Oh my gosh, the baby in that picture with you is the cutest little boy I have ever seen. Who is he?
JOHN: That's my son.
HOTTIE: You have a son? Where is he?
JOHN: Well, after my divorce, he uh, doesn't live with me any more.
HOTTIE: You're divorced? Do you ever get to see him?
JOHN: Well actually (insert whole story here)
Then the doorstep scene ends up being some awkward hug where I get a couple of pats on the back which communicates to me "You're a nice guy and all, but I can do better than a 30 year old divorcee with mediocre looks and some serious baggage." To which I respond by walking away and never calling her again.

Man, where is this post going?... Anyway, whether appropriate or not I just like to call him my son. His Birthday was today. Many of you who read this blog were with me when everything went down nearly a year and a half ago. My new friends have also heard "the whole story" in some variation of the above example. Though I am still not to a point where I think that everything that happened was the best case scenario, all things considered, I feel very good about where everything is at right now... all things considered. I could elaborate on all the things I'm considering when I say "all things considered", but I type way to slow for that. What I'm trying to say, is that things are as good as the possibly could be.

Since giving Roe to his new family, they have been very good about sending pictures and updates to me. I'm glad to report that he looks happy and healthy. During the adoption, as I would tell you, my friends about the many events leading up to his birth, more than once you would say, "you should write that down." I did, and have posted it to this blog. It is a series I call, "The Adoption Chronicles" I have posted each entry under the date it was written, it all happened starting in March of 2006. There are over 30 entry's... Most of my writing tends to lean towards the humorous, and if that's why you read, well, you may find these a little boring. So this may not be for the random blog stalker or someone who only scans my blog on occasion, though you're welcome to it. The commitment is big enough that I suggest you don't even start unless you're really interested or really bored. In any case it has now been posted... There are about 10 more entries after his birth that I have yet to post, it takes time though, I will try to have them up in the next couple of week's.

Happy Birthday to Roe (now named Hawken) and thank you friends and family, for all your support over the past months.

John Maxim

Friday, May 2, 2008


So I was discussing blogging with my friend Heather, who, still doesn't even have a blog. She mentioned how she read my blog almost every day. I asked her (somewhat condescendingly) why she didn't leave comments on my blog posts if she read them. She responded with two reasons. First, she felt like if she was going to make a comment that it needed to be funny or it wasn't worth making one. She sited my friend Cameron and his "never ending bag of humorous retorts" (direct quote) I can sort of relate to that, Cameron is tough competition, but I mentioned to her how good it made me feel to get any comment, even comments that aren't funny. Second she said that Sometimes she would ask questions and that they would not be answered, she explained to me how very frustrating this was. I didn't realize that people actually expected answers to their questions. Weird huh? So I have taken a moment to answer all of the questions that I have ignored over the last few months, and will attempt to answer all questions, rhetorical or actual in the future.

POST: Floor (January 2nd, 2008)
KATEMARIE : I missed Guitar Hero??? Are you freakin' kidding me????
John Maxim: Yes Kate, you missed guitar hero, and no I am not even freakin' kidding.

POST: 196 (January 9th, 2008)
Maria : Hmmm... and why is it that you see him naked so frequently?
Johnny Metropolis: I see John naked a lot just because we are such good friends. Homophobia and weirdness don't plague individuals in true solid friendships. It's weird though, I think I've only ever seen him naked in the mirror.

Dizzy: Did you ever eat Deming's canned Salmon?
John Maxim: No, I think it was canned tuna.

Maria: Hey I "tagged" you. I know its lame, but what can you do?
John Maxim: I have learned if its lame, what you can do is not do it... which I didn't.

POST: Prophet (January 28th, 2008)
Jorge Baker: You think Monson is boring too?
John Maxim: No Jorge, I used the word "soothing" not "Boring". You definitely need an attitude adjustment.

Laura : Pres. Hinckley was around for a long time wasn't he?
John Maxim: Yes, 97 years is a long time - as mentioned in my post.

POST: Girl (February 5th, 2008)
Amber: So are you going to start going on Tuesdays?
John Maxim: (sigh) I tried that for a couple months, and alas, I never saw her again.

POST: Cobra Starship (February 7th, 2008)
Cream of Dallup: If you're that into concerts, don't forget to attend the ROCKAPELLA concert in Provo this week. You know... the group that sings Where in the World in Carmen San Diego?
John Maxim: Yeah, I know the group, and the song... but I still forgot, and probably will forget next time they come to town too.

POST: Cop back-talk (February 6th, 2008)
Rhett: Who was the sheriff?
John Maxim: I don't know.

POST: Laser Fag (February 28th, 2008)
Red Dawg: does that make you feel better?
John Maxim: Yes, thank you. Your derogatory comments have comforted me sufficiently. Seriously, I laughed out loud.

Cameron: If you're hanging out with that many hotties, why wouldn't you comb your hair before the date?
John Maxim: I did, I spent at least 3 hours getting my hair to look like that.

Dana Meg: can you grow chest hair??
John Maxim: Not everyone can okay! That doesn't mean they aren't manly.

POST: Blog stalking gone awry (March 4th, 2008)
Heather D in LV: So whats the status with "Jesse" aka ___________?
John Maxim: I decided that she was a bit boring, I found myself doing all the talking and entertaining, and she just sat around looking pretty, so basically she was lame and I stopped pursueing her. For further explaination see my hypothosis about chick with little or no personality in this post.

El Shake: Are you still drawing those? Can I be introduced as a visiting character?
John Maxim: We upload a new comic to our blog every week. I'm sure we could figure out a way to make fun of you just like all our other characters.

POST: Gross (March 7th, 2008)
Cameron: Why don't you just take a photo of your dogs eating a poop sandwich or maybe a bowl of your scabs with a little powdered sugar sprinkled on top with some Vitamin D milk?
John Maxim: Seriously, why don't I? That would make a great blog post!

Laura : Have you seen Little Shop of Horrors?
John Maxim: Yes, twice.

POST: My throbbing retina (March 21st, 2008)
Scott Durns: I'm with you on all the hotties except Kristen Bell, who's that?
John Maxim: Scott, would you just use google? Blimey.

El Shake: By the way, how far is too far for you to pursue a "hurts to look" chik?
John Maxim: Lately if she doesn't live on my street then it's too far. Provo is absolutely out of the question.

Janey: I think I would diagnose you maybe with Retinopathy of Inmaturity caused from over analylization of women! What do you think?
John Maxim: Since both of those words are spelled incorrectly... I think your full of it!

POST: A hero emerges (April 1st, 2008)
Cameron: Is she the hottie smiling in the top picture?
John Maxim: Nope, she's not.

Heather D in LV: probably because I'm "the girl"???
John Maxim: Nope, you're not.

JoRae aka Lolae: Seriously?
John Maxim: Seriously.

POST: Indestructible no more (April 14th, 2008)
Emily: Couldn't you leave the gross stuff out? Make it PG or something?
John Maxim: I'm pretty sure the term "family jewels" is rated PG... do I need to list more descriptive terms to prove that? Think about it Emily... Think about it.

Stephanie: MxPx is still alive and touring??? Did they do Chick Magnet?
John Maxim: Yes they are, and yes they did.

POST: Prince, O'Conner, or the Gimmes (Apil 23rd. 2008)
Chelsea: Are you talking about the shape of your belly button being symmetrical, or its placement within your abdomen?
John Maxim: Well now I am worried about both, thanks a lot.

POST: Who's got the clicker? (April 29th, 2008)
Steph: Does Vodka like V Mars?
John Maxim: He's a dog Stephanie... of course not.

There you go Heather... even though I only found two unanswered questions from you... Now what's your excuse going to be.

It's 10:23am 6 1/2 hours after I made this post, and I just got an email from a friend of mine complementing me on this post... instead of them actually making a comment on this post. Common people!