This morning went to Jamba Juice to get some breakfast. I was up late last night and I had just gone to the gym. Today was Chest, bi’s and Abs day, which is always the most physically taxing of my workout routines. So needless to say I was a little sweaty, extremely tired, and not looking my best. Subconsciously, I scanned the room for hotties upon entrance. I noticed a girl who was really cute sitting waiting for her order. I of course knew that I was in no shape to be hitting on anyone, and in truth wouldn’t have had the testicular fortitude would I have looked my best. So I waited in line and didn’t pay any more attention to her. After ordering a “peach perfection” with an energy boost, I found a stool and sat and waited.
I noticed something on my shirt which looked like old crusted food, which is weird because before todays sweat deposits, this was a clean shirt. I inspected it closely, but couldn’t make out what it could be. I started to scratch it off, to try and get rid of it. That’s when I heard a voice, very close to me.
GIRL: Are you John Patrick Henderson?
I was surprised; I had changed my last name to Maxim nearly 6 years ago. If this girl knew me, it was from a long time ago and she didn’t know me well. I looked up, and it happened to be the aforementioned cute girl. She had walked over and was standing closer than seemed prudent. I suddenly became very conscious of my breath, I had brushed this morning, but I hadn’t eaten anything, so I was worried that it still might stink a bit.
JOHN: Yep, that’s me.
GIRL: You don’t remember me do you?
JOHN: No, I’m sorry, I have a terrible memory though, did we date or something?
GIRL: (laughs) No, I was in the 41st ward with you a long time ago. You taught Sunday school.
We were interrupted when a Jamba Juice employee called out “Lindsay, Mega Mango!”
GIRL: Oh that’s mine, hold on.
I sit there and try to think, Lindsay, Lindsay, the only Lindsay I remember from that ward is not this girl. I absolutely do not remember her at all. She comes back.
GIRL: Maybe you don’t remember me; we never really hung out or anything. I loved your class though, it was always so funny. So what are you up to now, how is your wife?
Oh great, I thought, here is the question that always sinks the ship, I decide to try and work around it.
JOHN: I’m just livin the dream, did you know Lara too?
GIRL: Not really… I just remember that she was so beautiful, and you guys were such a cute couple.
I paused for a second, I mean how am I supposed to respond to that without sounding like an idiot. I recognized that I needed to divulge that I am divorced so I could flirt without looking like a philanderer. At the same time I didn't want to come accross as one of those bitter divorced guys. Then I realized that the way I was sitting on the stool coupled with how short she was had me looking down. I again felt self conscious cause when I do that my neck tends to double up and it makes me look tubby. I arch my neck a bit, and decide to respond with a subtle mention.
JOHN: When one half of a couple is as good looking as my Ex was it tends to make the whole couple better looking, which is cool because I’m used to being with women who are out of league. So, I’m sorry but I don’t remember you at all, what is your name?
We were interrupted when a Jamba Juice employee called out “John, Peach Perfection!”
GIRL: My name is Lindsay.
JOHN: Hold on.
I walk over to grab my smoothie, and the awkwardness of this dawns on me… I really am not very good at this sort of thing, a few hundred ways to ask her for her number pop into my head in that 13 second walk, but by the time a got back to where she was standing I hadn’t decided on anything.
GIRL: Yeah we used to say hi and stuff, but that was a long time ago. So how long have you been divorced?
This question boosted my confidence just a little. Even though I didn’t want to get into the particulars of my divorce, it was kind of a loaded question, a question which I interpreted as interest on her part.
JOHN: About a year and a half ago.
There was a pause for a minute, like she was expecting me to elaborate, then a look of embarrassment came over her... and probably me too - I don't know, I couldn't see myself.
JOHN: I won’t bore you with the gory details, besides our friendship is still in its infancy, after we hang out a few times then I’ll feel comfortable crying on your shoulder… (She smiles) ...So do you work around here?
I mentally gave myself a high five for that killer response. We made a little getting to know you small talk. Slowly we had meandered out to Jamba’s patio. She was laughing slightly more than average at my humorously mediocre banter. After 3 or 4 minutes I could tell that the conversation was starting to dry up. I figured ending it on a high would be a good move. So I looked at the time on my phone.
JOHN: Lindsay, it was great meeting you – or seeing you again depending on perspective… it’ll be pretty hard to hang if I don’t get your number...
We exchanged numbers, and as I walked back to my car the smile on my face, which was there because of my seeming triumph, only got bigger when I realized that if she was digging on me in my current state, what was she going to think when I cleaned myself up. Then, I realized that even un-sweaty, clean, shaven, and dressed better I was still only a 6, which would not normally merit a 8 – 8 ½ looking girl like her walking up and talking to me. I marveled how far being a somewhat funny guy can go… that whole experience only happened because I taught a couple of funny Sunday school lessons five or six years ago.