Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Less Than Jake

Monday was the "Less Than Jake" concert! Some of you (anybody with a Facebook account who I'm friends with) were invited to "John Maxim Loves Less Than Jake Day!" For those friends who did come along, a day of raging excitement was enjoyed.

The concert was at a new venue, "The Murray Theatre" which was pretty cool, well the set up was cool, the temperature was horrible. Apparently the air conditioner was broken, it was easily 110 degrees in the arena, and the dancing hadn't even started.

Four bands were playing, the first two were notable, I had heard a couple of their songs, and they did a pretty good show, but I was conserving my energy to avoid an incident like I had at the MXPX concert. So I stood near the back middle and did the "two step" during their shows.

Goldfinger came on, and I had managed to push my way into the third row of smashed fans by their second song. They put on a really good show, an outstanding show. Strictly as showmen, I'd dare say Goldfinger was the best band of the night. The lead singer said "I'm 41, and if you're younger than me and aren't rocking as hard as I am I am going to come down there and..." It set a precedence for some pretty hard rocking. Then on the very next song he said, "I'd like to thank the venue for not having a barricade here so that you guys can be right up to the stage and we can have a real punk show. My stage is your stage, come on up!" A flood of about 30 people jumped up on stage!

Once on stage there we were standing around and moshing right there with the band. In this photo you can see the side of my head directly behind the lead singer, you can Identify me because of my sideburn. There we were having a good time singing along and dancing. With about 30 seconds of the song left, I see a bunch of guys doing stage dives into the audience. They would stand on the edge of the stage and then kind of fall forward onto a sea of hands. Some thought went through my head like "what a bunch of pansy's", clearly I wasn't thinking very, er - uh... clearly. I saw a speaker box on the front of the stage that stood about three feet higher. I just ran strait at it, jumped off of it and did a swan dive right into the audience. Perhaps it was the fact that I had run, or jumped as high as I could. Possibly it was the fact that I am a 200 pound 30 year old with a larger than average butt, whatever the reason with the bulk of the hard core fans on the stage there was room to move on the floor. As I floated gracefully through the air, I witnessed a similar thing to what Moses must have seen when God parted the Red Sea for him. The people below me moved out of the way. All except for this one guy, who I'll call "Dude." Dude faithfully attempted to catch me all on his own. The fear on his face was very entertaining! He reached his hands out and moved them side to side to make sure he got me, then he noticed everyone else was gone. He grit his teeth, closed his eyes, turned his head half to the side, and stood his ground. He caught me mid-torso, and my head butted against another guys head behind Dude that was still in the process of moving out of the way. The inertia of my fall was way too much and Dude fell on his back breaking my fall. Dude, the guy whose headed I butted, and I all picked our selves up off the floor and high fived each other, while screaming things like "Rock on!" and "Oh yeah!" and just continued to mosh.

I had no Idea anything was wrong until someone grabbed my arms from behind so I couldn't turn around, and started pulling me out of the crowd, really forcefully against my will. I fought it, and looked back noticing it was one of the very large Tongan bouncers. We got into the lobby and I said "Whats the problem!?" He said, "Yourour bleeding pretty badly brother." My head was a little sore from the headbutt. I reached my hand up to the pain and sure enough it came down into my vision covered in blood. I walked into the bathroom, and thought - I should probably take a picture of this for my blog.

I cleaned up the wound, and it really wasn't that terrible, I thought, but everyone else said that it needed stitch's and that I should go to the emergency room. If I did that I would miss the very band I came to see, I would miss my favorite band of all time who I hadn't seen in 9 years!!! I finished the Goldfinger show in the back, frustrated that I couldn't go out into the mosh pit, because it was a really good crowd and looked like a lot of fun. I was just worried about getting elbowed above the eye again thereby making it worse.

The show got over and I decided there was no way I was going to sit back during "Less Than Jake." So, I ran across the street and bought myself some Krazy Glue. I went back to the concert (for those of you who don't go to concerts there is usually 15-20 minutes between bands) and had some of my friends try to glue my wound closed. Who was the crack team of professionals who undertook this endeavor you ask? My Lawyer, Mike Bringhurst, took lead, and he was assisted by Jane Gardiner, who is an infant ICU nurse. I stood three steps below them in the arena. and looked up, they proceeded to glue the gash. A crowd of people gathered to witness the surgery. All was going well until Jane accidentally glued her finger to my lower eyebrow! She must have been distracted because she was talking about how the glue and blood was mixing into a reddish goo. She quickly ripped her finger back which pulled my ow-ee open more, and took about 23 hairs with it. After a couple more applications and a little more care I had a red lump of glue above my eye. I tapped on it a couple of times and it seemed to be an outstanding seal. Moments later, Less Than Jake took the stage, and the fun really began.

As advertised Less Than Jake put on a great show... if it were possible to measure I'm pretty sure I would have been in the top 3 people having the most fun. My eye was unharmed, though there was one close call. While meandering through the mosh pit one time. I saw an elbow coming strait for my injury... the "slow-mo sensation" kicked in and I was able to turn my head, whilst groaning, just enough to block the elbow with my nose. It hurt pretty bad, and I couldn't see for a few seconds due to all the water in my eyes, however, it was a welcome sensation to the alternative. I only got a tiny bruise on my nose from that.

It was so hot, I never sweat so much in my life. Near the end of the concert I even took my shirt off. I learned that people don't like sweaty body's, because with my shirt off my glistening bod seemed to repel people to within six inch's of me. Instead of shoulder to shoulder like usual. It easily ranks as the "best concert ever" I look forward to seeing them again!

John Maxim

PS - I also look forward to more concerts at the Murray Theatre, if they fix the A/C.

PPS - The day I spent 2 hours swabbing my wound with rubbing alcohol to get all the glue out, and the excruciating pain which ensued is a story for another day.


Heather said...

First of all, you are CRAZY! Getting beat up while watching a concert does not sound fun to me, but to each his own I guess. Second, while I was reading the post, I got to the part about your eye wound being open and needing stitches and I started thinking, its too bad he didn't have any super glue. Then I read further on and sure enough you went and got some. Smart call! Matt once split his eyebrow open and it needed stitches, but he wouldn't go to the ER, instead he just glued it shut. It healed nicely.

Glad you had such a great time, even if its not my idea of fun!

Unknown said...

Your poor Mother!

T Wolf said...

You are easily the coolest old man I know. If you ever have kids its gonna be like that NOFX song "Mom and Dad How'd you get so rad!"

Mike Bringhurst said...

Thanks for the credit on your post and for the invite to Less Than Jake day. It was an awesome concert and gluing your eye was just the icing on the cake.

SRA said...

I wanna hear the excruciating pain story. Fun times!

El Shake said...

I remember when we were on the mish and you told me this was your lifes motto:

"Do you think its strange,
That theres a way of how you look at,
How you act,
And how you think,
Pretend theyre not the same as you.

Did you know about his
Strength of convictions

Or how she puts all her
Faith in religion?

Did we take the time to
Really discover how little we
Know about each other?

Keep us from saying anything,

Cant separate from everything.

And all this really means youre one
In a crowd and your paranoid of every sound
Another friend you wont miss anyhow..."

You know I love LTJ too, thanks for the invite, to bad I missed it.

Cameron's Corner said...

You left out the part about how the average age of people in the mosh pit was 20 years old.

You're too old for this type of thing, man.

The Pachuilo Family said...

I used super glue on a crown that came off my tooth. After doing so I called the company to ask if I should be worried and they told me it was non toxic. So you didn't have to scrub it out.

I disagree with Cameron. You're not too old. The guy in the Band was 41.

Cameron's Corner said...

I'm sorry, John, but if that guy in the band was really 41, that's even more reason to force yourself to mature.

Unless, of course, you look at that guy and think, "That's where I want to be in 10 years!" If that's the case then Pachuilo is right... enjoy it while you can.

Janey said...

so you are probably wondering why a nurse would help somebody krazy glue their eye shut???? Well you have to remember- when dealing with John Maxim, he will get his way, so rather then insisting he go to the ER and get stitches, I decided not to fight a losing battle and just help the poor guy out- When I told john this krazy glue was going to be horrible to try and get out he said.... Oh this stuff just wears off- his 2 hour swabbing with alcohol putting him in excruciating pain does not bring a stitch (no pun intended) of sympathy. He probably rubbed it real hard so he would have a sweeter scar- because that would be pretty cool! Those 21 hairs I took off, which are still on my finger today, will probably never grow back

Brandice said...

Boy that really put me in "stitch's" hearing about your bloody escapade, and I even laughed so hard I was within "inch's" of peeing my pants. (Did you lose the state 'punctuation' bee, too?)

Vearl said...

If you have ever been lucky enought to witness John put any sort of alcohol base substance on an open wound, you are blessed. I am truly blessed.

The Pachuilo Family said...

BTW What type of blog quota do I need to move up from the "people who don't blog enough" part of the page to the "ands" section? We do about 3.4 listings per month. Getting bumped up would really boost my whole family's confidence...

Jaime said...

I wish I coulda been there buddy! But alas my 13 yr nephew (who was visiting from Nevada), was not down...maybe I shoulda forced him to expand his music horizons and taken him anyway. Next time.

Heather D in LV said...

Good to see you this week. This story is better told then read, but still good.

I'm with the Pachiullos, A) your never too old. B) your blog is the reason I dont start one, I could never handle the blow to my self esteem when you knocked me down to the "don't post often enough" section!!!

Cameron's Corner said...

Whatever, dude. You go ahead and listen to everyone who ISN'T your best friend. You're gonna be the only dude wheeling around the mosh pit hitting people with your cane.

At least you won't have to worry about getting your teeth knocked out when you're 80. No doubt the band members will still be playing when they're 95, as well.

The Pachuilo Family said...

I say you're only is old as you look. Right Baldy??? er I mean Cameron. You should take a vote on how old people think you look. In the right clothes I say you could pass for 25. Church clothes make you look 34ish.

Cameron's Corner said...

Church clothes make me look like a deacon.

Every scar John gets by acting like he's 20 makes him look 5 years older.

You guys need to start acting your age and going to Cher concerts.

Janey said...

cameron after going to that concert, I agree- cher sounds pretty good- yeah it's probably time I put the moshing to the grave unless of course i'm in the privacy of my own home or maybe with some more mature moshers!

B. said...

You are so effing lucky! I love Less than Jake. I used to listen to them when I was cool like you are now, times have changed, oh how times have changed.

Anonymous said...

I don't want to get in the middle of a war - but I don't think John will ever be to old to mosh :)

The Pachuilo Family said...

In an effort to be moved off the "people that don't post enough" list, I've decided to communicate this in a way John will surely understand on our blog...

Unknown said...

I think Cameron is childish and The Pachuilo family is vain-

Not really, well, maybe a little. I just had to say something to keep up on the comment counter John has.

Johnny Metropolis said...

Here is my rule: if in any given month you post 2 or less posts, then you get moved to my "dont post often enough section. Then you must post 4 to get back "further up on this page."

I will move you up Chris so your family can have some semblence of self worth!

The Pachuilo Family said...

Thanks John and watch out Emily. Our new family goal is the #2 spot on the awesomestest friends comments list...

Lizz said...

Sometimes I forget what crazy nerds you and Cam are and then I read a blog like this and Cam's comments, and my faith in the two of you is restored.