Monday, August 18, 2008

Vampire Shmampire!

I think it was about a year ago that I first heard about the book "Twilight". I was driving to Manti with two girls in my car. One of them said something to the effect of "You drive really fast." I responded with "Well if you had cat-like speed and reflexes like I do you'd feel comfortable at higher speeds too." One of the girls exclaimed "Oh, you are kind of like Edward." This sparked my interest and a very brief explanation about this book about teenage love and vampires ensued. I don't often hear about books, as you will see in my upcoming blog series "The four books that changed Johns life". (Whats bad is, that's four out of nine books over my life time, which gives me a 44% "life changing rate" evidence that I should probably read more.) So I only took marginal interest in Twilight and it's characters.

Being single and spending the majority of my time conversing with women. I discovered that this book and subsequent series was a phenomenon. What made it cooler, chick who wrote it was a Mormon. I determined it would be in my best interests to find out enough about this book and it's stories to have intelligent conversations with those who read it. As I discovered things about it the first thing I didn't like is that I was finding myself jealous of the Edward character. In the beginning of my discovery of this book every, seriously EVERY girl I talked to loved Edward. Saying things like he "is the perfect guy." "If only I could find my Edward." "Oh I would do very bad things to Edward if he were real." This infatuation didn't lie only with the desperately single women I knew. It encompassed all women, non-desperate singles and my married sisters and cousins were even taken. I sat one day in my sisters Salon as they (many women) talked for an hour all about how wonderful Edward was. I prodded to find out as much about him as I could. From what I heard this guy, this figment of some BYU coed's imagination does not exist in the real world. If he does I would think he was a savage. As is undoubtedly becoming evident, I began hating the book (still knowing little about it) and the more I discovered the more I disliked it. I found out that the Author just decided to take every cool thing about Vampires and throw it out the window.

What a Vampire from the book twilight might say: Uh yes we suck blood but we don't suck human blood cause we are so good and kind... even though it doesn't taste so good and isn't as nourishing we chase down deer and stuff, I mean a Vampire has to have morals right? Oh and sunlight, that's no problem we just stay out of it because, well because we glow! Glowing is bad, for if we glow then humans would hunt us down and kill us even though every movie they have seen and book they have read doesn't say anything about us glowing... they will still know, and they wont understand our good nature and they will kill us for hunting their deer and loving their teenagers.

Even though I haven't read this book and very ignorantly, and very stubbornly will not read it. I think it sucks. The only joy I glean from it's existence is the look I get on girls faces when I say, "Oh yeah Twilight, I haven't read it but girls are always telling me I remind them of Edward." It's one of those jaw open, while wanting to shake their head but not being able to because of shock sort of looks of disbelief which is usually followed by some hurtful verbal rebuttal as to why I am not even close to that character which they determine to be the perfect man. Clearly they have no knowledge of my superhuman strength, cat-like speed and reflexes, fangs, and the way I order my women around...

My best friend did a very gay thing and read this book despite my warnings about it, and how hard it may be to maintain his sexuality during and after the read. He wrote this review which I think should be read by all. Another friend of mines sister wrote this which I think is important for all to read too. Here is another review about the newest book which shows me there is a glimmer of hope for the opposite sex. Seriously if I said "Baywatch" was a terrific work of art, you ladies would recognize the low brow self indulgent motive behind that.

John Maxim

18 comments:

SRA said...

The frame of Bella & Edward "frolicking" made me about fall out of my chair laughing. I have zero interest in this Twilight business and find it utterly ridiculous, so don't worry about getting compared to Edward by me. You're good enough as you are, I promise.

Jaime said...

Pumpkin don't hate me but I actually liked the books. Yes I was totally bored by the third book, nor would I say they are my favorites, but I still enjoyed reading them...then again it doesn't take a lot to entertain me.

Kristi said...

I won't lie - I liked the books but I don't love Edward. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

El Shake said...

Whoa, why'd you have to bring Baywatch into this?

"Work of Art" is being modest!

Steph said...

You and Cameron are hilarious! Did you guys get together and decide to do a Twilight blitz on your blogs on the same day???

The Pachuilo Family said...

My wife loves these books so I try to stay up-to-date on what's happening in them and ask inappropriate questions whenever I get the chance. Did you know that Edward feels cold to the touch? I would think that making love with what feels like a dead cold body would not be ideal. In the next book the girl starts dating a werewolf which just sounds nasty unless you love body hair.

Amber said...

I must say I was suckered into reading the 1st book two times now (just starting the second one). I don't love Edward either but I guess it is because I am boring and much more in touch with the real world. I'm more of a Jacob girl myself.

Cameron's Corner said...

Is The Long Walk one of the books that changed your life? I hope it was. That book was awesome... and by "awesome" I mean totally sweet!

I have a feeling that the "Books that Changed John's Life" series will be better than "A Gas Tank" series.

Heather said...

You and Cameron are too much. I did appreciate some of your words, even if you didn't read the books. I personally enjoyed reading the books, although they were not my favorite, and Stephanie Meyers is not the greatest writer. They were still fun to read!

And, I'm sorry we missed you too when we were in UT. Maybe next time!

JoRae aka Lolae said...

I have to say I enjoyed the books. If it were me and I was you I would read them just to get all the hot chicks into my car. But that is JMO...

Quela said...

Sorry, still like the books and love Edward.

Laura Lee said...

You know not all girls are infatuated with Edward and the only reason you said "EVERY girl" you talk to loved Edward was so you could get them all riled up and commenting on your blog.

Or your selective memory kicked in, which is quite likely. Still trying to figure out a way to use that to my advantage.

Brandice said...

Mike read all the books and he loves Edward more than I do. Maybe I should leave "The Long Walk" on his side of the bed.

Brandice said...

P.S. You gave "vampire shmampire" as your subject line and just a few blogs ago you said "dentist shmentist". Do you need some help coming up with titles?

T Wolf said...

That last comment made me laugh so hard!!!

Comparing you to Edward is laughable so I think you should keep using that joke.

Heather D in LV said...

You know, your friend Cameron liked the book. I love these books and Edward. Nothing you or some fried of a friend of a friend can say will change it.

Movie comes out in december!!!

Mike Bringhurst said...

I have decided I must be more than 50% gay because I like stuff girls like. I just say I'm in touch with my feminine side. In fact I am so gay I felt compelled to correct that my wife commented that I liked Edward. I liked Jacob. Edward is that perfect JMNT guy that TAMN is married to on that Seriously So Blessed Blog, I think Edward even has a fouxhawk. I was like Jacob growing up that all the girls liked to talk to but not date. Luckily I got into law school and tricked my wife into marrying me before she figured out that I was lame. I have the last book but haven't read it because I know she marries Edward and I'm mad, but I will get around to it.

Janey said...

Another one of John's love stories- you could be the next Stephanie Meyers and by the way I read the first paragraph of twilight, found out it was about a vampire and shut the book- I don't have time for that- Maybe John your love story can keep going and going and going and going and going. Maybe John this girl's THE ONE!