Friday, February 27, 2009

Humble Pie

There was a time where my friend and I had actually discussed at length writing a book that we would title "How To Get Any Girl You Want Guaranteed." We went so far as to outline chapter headings. I truly believed I was qualified to write that book at the time. I am learning now, quickly and painfully that I am not.

The names have been changed and the timing is vague for anonymity, but the following 6 stories are true:

Experience 1 (Gwendolen(24): I got set up with this Gwendolen. She was a very good looking tennis player who loved movies. We went out on 3 dates. I tried to set up a fourth, and she suddenly became very difficult to get a hold of... I didn't quite know what to do. So I texted her, she responded that she was really busy. We texted back and fourth for a bit, but seemingly whenever I asked her to do something she very inconveniently had other things going on. This had never really happened to me, but I recognized that I had used these same tactics in the past to avoid the confrontation of letting a girl know I wasn't interested. The day I decided to wait and see if she would contact me first I talked to the friend who set us up. She was a very good friend and I told her to be completely honest with me. She was. She told me that Gwendolen had told her that she thought I was funny, but that she just wasn't attracted to me. I've never considered myself overly good looking, but I have always been pretty confident that my personality and charm made up for whatever I lacked in looks. I figured Gwendolen was an anomaly and moved on.

Experience 2 (Rebecca(21): I had known Rebecca for a while. We had flirted vigorously for probably a year. She was quite a bit younger then me, and that always put a bit of a damper on us having any kind of relationship. However she had recently turned 21 and I figured that there was nothing young about her personality so I decided to go for it. We went on a date which involved stopping at my house for a minute. That night a bunch of people happened to be in my house. They were playing Mario Kart and we played a couple of games. She met everyone, including a friend of mine who was there (Bronson) who didn't live in my house but frequented it. He was only a year younger then me. While on our date she asked about him. I didn't think much of it. Then three days later she tells me she is going out with him the coming weekend. I was miffed and it obviously showed on my face because she laughed and then realized what she was doing caught herself and then said, "Oh come on John, your like my brother." So maybe I didn't properly make the transfer from friend to more than a friend clear. I wished them luck and moved on.

Experience 3 (Gabriella(20): Gabriella and I used to hang out a lot. I was kind of dating someone else at the time and so was she, so the timing was never quite right. Then she moved, not far, but far enough that our circles changed and we didn't see each other. I had always sort of regretted not giving it a shot with her. One week I decided that my roommates should all go out on a group date. I planned it and got tickets for everyone to a comedy show downtown. The fun of it was that we planned the date before we even had dates, so we spent the week trying. With the two previous misfires I didn't have a ton of success. Then, luckily, out of no where Gabriella texts me. I call her back and we talk. I find out she isn't dating anybody she is free for the weekend. I ask her out and she says yes. The day of our date arrives and I text her to get her address.

5:20pm J: Whats your address again?
5:23pm G: (address) but I'm still at work so do you want me to call you when I'm off? and do I have to like wear something special or anything?
5:28pm J: I'm not stopping by until 7:30 or 8. So no big deal. You should probably dress as sexy as possible, you know, to impress me.
5:30pm G: Oh wow,i have nothing you want to see.But ill see what i can find to keep your mind wandering!

My roommate and I decide that we will drive to dinner and the show together. He and his date are in the back of my car and we start driving towards Gabriella's house. That’s when I get another text from her.

7:36pm G: Hey im still at work so is it cool if i come when i get off?
7:38pm J: Where do you work?
7:39pm G: The Realty Group
8:03pm J: Wha? Realtors don't work past 7? How much longer?
8:10pm G: I'm an assistant to a bunch of realtors. i have to do flyers for the open houses tomorrow and then bring some stuff to some clients!Boo!
8:12pm J: That sounds like a lot... Am I getting stood up here?

While giving a play by play to my two passengers I decided to turn around and head home.

8:21pm G: No,i just told you i would come after!
8:24pm J: After? Uh okay Mr. Miagi... let me know. I'll just wait around for you.
8:26pm G: Shut up!you are such a dork!
8:28pm J: So how much longer?

I went home and my roommates went on the date without me. I decided that I wasn't going to contact her again that night. I tried to get another date, but the same night just didn't go over well. I had the whole evening to think about the fact that for the first time in my life I got stood up. It was pretty depressing. I didn't here from Gabriella again. That night after my roommates got home and reported the fun they had had, I decided to send her another text, just to be a smart ass.

1:05am J: Whoa, must be a lot of flyers. How much longer now?

no response

4:24am J: Okay, I'm starting to think you stood me up for sure... so I'm going to bed.

no response

Experience 4 (Sienna(27): After my 3 previous experiences I figured I'd better take it easy. I was feeling some serious self consciousness, and didn't want to create more good memories. Unfortunately this girl had been hanging around our house and I was crushing pretty hard on her. One night a big group of people were hanging out and I made a point of spending as much of my time at the activity in close proximity to her as possible. Throughout the night we had an ongoing discussion about dating. When we talked about rejecting members of the opposite sex, Sienna mentioned how she preferred non-confrontational methods. I asked her to elaborate, she told me that she would just not respond to texts and calls. I agreed that that was a pretty good indicator. I probably even said "I'd take the hint." Later that night I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie with me the next day. She said that she would love to, and probably could but that I should text her tomorrow. I did... she didn't respond. I thought, "there's no way that she would tell me that’s how she dealt with rejection and then do it to me the next day." I tried hard not to let my previous three rejections get into my head. So I tried to text her twice more that week, and call her once. She didn't respond, and didn't come back to the house again for a while. I felt really stupid.

Experience 5 (Joebi(29): My roommates and I met Joebi with a group of other girls. We had hung out with them as a group several times, but it is one of those situations where no one in either group is sure who likes who and so no one really makes a move one way or the other. Well, out of no where Joebi calls me and asks me if I would go out with her. I was stoked first of all cause she was way better looking then me. Secondly because she was my favorite of the group but I always thought she liked one of my roommates more. We went out and it was a really fun date we doubled with one of her friends who was in a more serious relationship. I thought things were going really well. We went back to my place to watch a movie. Oddly enough our TV room has two love sacs perfect for double date cuddling and movie watching. We were cuddling on the love sac after the movie and talking. I said jokingly "I'm glad you picked me for you pity date." She laughed and said, "No, I asked you out because I knew we could just have fun and not have to worry about you getting attached or expecting more." My mind remembered a conversation we had had a couple months or so ago where we talked about failed relationships and I had mentioned how hard it was for me to want a serious relationship. She went on, "It was a fun no pressure night with a friend, we should do it again sometime in a month or so." So... yeah I count that as a rejection too.

Experience 6 (Janice(24): I had been on 2 dates with Janice and on a whim one day I invited her out for a 3rd. I thought she was adorable and liked spending time with her. We went to a movie, and the movie really wasn't very good. So there was more bored time for my mind to wander, and I thought I would love to hold Janice’s hand. It was our third date, it hardly felt aggressive to make this move. Nevertheless, I was nervous and it took some doing. I put my hand on hers, and for a while we held hands. There was reciprocation on her part, gentle movement and the such. Then after about 5 minutes or so she pulled her hand away to get some candy. I thought nothing of it and rested my hand between our two legs waiting for her to put her hand back on her leg. She did and so I slowly maneuvered back for the hand hold, but to my dismay her hand was firmly affixed to her leg. I checked the movie and it wasn't a tense moment, the horror dawned on me that she did not want me to hold her hand. Well what was I supposed to do? My hand was right next to hers... I awkwardly moved it away, back between our legs and then on to mine and then coyly took a bit of popcorn as though I hadn't just been blatantly shot down. After the movie, I drove her home. We talked for a minute in the car and she said, "Sorry about the whole hand thingy, it just didn't feel right in the moment." This comment made me feel further like a jackass, and I drove home feeling pretty inadequate.

In the span of 2 months I had the aforementioned 6 experiences - which considering the opening paragraphs I probably deserve. Regardless of the lessons learned it has me wondering "what exactly has changed." Sure I'm fatter, balder, and older, but I am funnier... I think. Unfortunately that thought has been lingering over the past months each time I meet a new girl. My confidence has not been cracked, but it definitely has a few dents in it.

John Maxim

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Breaking the Seal

For about 3 months in 2008 I worked for CHACHA. What is CHACHA? It is a text service where you can text 262262 any question and they will answer it. Back then it was completely free and used to be really cool, but now it kind of sucks because they charge after a number of texts and stuff. Anyway, I found out that on the other end of my text message was a person, sitting at their computer who would simply google the question I had asked and then would respond based on what they found on google. They got paid 20 cents for every question they answered. Awesome right?

I applied and passed a rigorous series of tests that they had (well I sorta cheated on the typing portion of the test, cause I can't type, but it was done online, so I just had my brother do that portion for me) once I passed I became a CHACHA guide and would sit and answer questions that people would text in like: Do dolphins sleep? How long is the National Anthem? or What is a penis?

I found it to be a fascinating and fun pastime, and felt I was actually pretty good at it. I could spend an entire entry writing about some of the questions and how I answered them, but I will probably just tell you this one (since there is a point to this post) and that'll be it.

I got this question:
When drinking, what does the term breaking the seal mean?

As a guide one must infer what an asker "means" by a question, 'drinking' could mean a lot of things, but I figured that they were talking about alcohol. Being Mormon, I have had less then the average human experience with drinking alcohol, drunken nights, beer pong, beer before liquor rhymes, hangovers, and other cultural nuances of inebriated life. I could only make an assumption and that wasn't the CHACHA way.

I was frustrated that I couldn't find an adequate explanation. CHACHA keeps track of how long it takes you too, and expects a response within 3 minutes. So I did the only thing I could, I phoned a friend. One who had profound expertise in the aforementioned lifestyle. I called him, I told him the question and said something like, "Does it mean that you open the beer, or pop the cork, or twist the cap or something?" He laughed, mocking like, and said, "No, when you are drinking if you go pee, you have broken the seal. He said that you hold it for as long as you can, because if you go pee once, you will have to pee every 5 minutes for the rest of the night" he further explained that "maintaining the seal is easy, but once it's been broken it is almost impossible to hold." I googled the words 'breaking the seal pee' and sure enough a bunch of pages came up which gave me an opportunity to respond to the question properly.

So, I'm breaking the seal on my blog. Get ready for my brain to urinate more stuff through the keyboard on to this blog!

John Maxim