Friday, February 27, 2009

Humble Pie

There was a time where my friend and I had actually discussed at length writing a book that we would title "How To Get Any Girl You Want Guaranteed." We went so far as to outline chapter headings. I truly believed I was qualified to write that book at the time. I am learning now, quickly and painfully that I am not.

The names have been changed and the timing is vague for anonymity, but the following 6 stories are true:

Experience 1 (Gwendolen(24): I got set up with this Gwendolen. She was a very good looking tennis player who loved movies. We went out on 3 dates. I tried to set up a fourth, and she suddenly became very difficult to get a hold of... I didn't quite know what to do. So I texted her, she responded that she was really busy. We texted back and fourth for a bit, but seemingly whenever I asked her to do something she very inconveniently had other things going on. This had never really happened to me, but I recognized that I had used these same tactics in the past to avoid the confrontation of letting a girl know I wasn't interested. The day I decided to wait and see if she would contact me first I talked to the friend who set us up. She was a very good friend and I told her to be completely honest with me. She was. She told me that Gwendolen had told her that she thought I was funny, but that she just wasn't attracted to me. I've never considered myself overly good looking, but I have always been pretty confident that my personality and charm made up for whatever I lacked in looks. I figured Gwendolen was an anomaly and moved on.

Experience 2 (Rebecca(21): I had known Rebecca for a while. We had flirted vigorously for probably a year. She was quite a bit younger then me, and that always put a bit of a damper on us having any kind of relationship. However she had recently turned 21 and I figured that there was nothing young about her personality so I decided to go for it. We went on a date which involved stopping at my house for a minute. That night a bunch of people happened to be in my house. They were playing Mario Kart and we played a couple of games. She met everyone, including a friend of mine who was there (Bronson) who didn't live in my house but frequented it. He was only a year younger then me. While on our date she asked about him. I didn't think much of it. Then three days later she tells me she is going out with him the coming weekend. I was miffed and it obviously showed on my face because she laughed and then realized what she was doing caught herself and then said, "Oh come on John, your like my brother." So maybe I didn't properly make the transfer from friend to more than a friend clear. I wished them luck and moved on.

Experience 3 (Gabriella(20): Gabriella and I used to hang out a lot. I was kind of dating someone else at the time and so was she, so the timing was never quite right. Then she moved, not far, but far enough that our circles changed and we didn't see each other. I had always sort of regretted not giving it a shot with her. One week I decided that my roommates should all go out on a group date. I planned it and got tickets for everyone to a comedy show downtown. The fun of it was that we planned the date before we even had dates, so we spent the week trying. With the two previous misfires I didn't have a ton of success. Then, luckily, out of no where Gabriella texts me. I call her back and we talk. I find out she isn't dating anybody she is free for the weekend. I ask her out and she says yes. The day of our date arrives and I text her to get her address.

5:20pm J: Whats your address again?
5:23pm G: (address) but I'm still at work so do you want me to call you when I'm off? and do I have to like wear something special or anything?
5:28pm J: I'm not stopping by until 7:30 or 8. So no big deal. You should probably dress as sexy as possible, you know, to impress me.
5:30pm G: Oh wow,i have nothing you want to see.But ill see what i can find to keep your mind wandering!

My roommate and I decide that we will drive to dinner and the show together. He and his date are in the back of my car and we start driving towards Gabriella's house. That’s when I get another text from her.

7:36pm G: Hey im still at work so is it cool if i come when i get off?
7:38pm J: Where do you work?
7:39pm G: The Realty Group
8:03pm J: Wha? Realtors don't work past 7? How much longer?
8:10pm G: I'm an assistant to a bunch of realtors. i have to do flyers for the open houses tomorrow and then bring some stuff to some clients!Boo!
8:12pm J: That sounds like a lot... Am I getting stood up here?

While giving a play by play to my two passengers I decided to turn around and head home.

8:21pm G: No,i just told you i would come after!
8:24pm J: After? Uh okay Mr. Miagi... let me know. I'll just wait around for you.
8:26pm G: Shut up!you are such a dork!
8:28pm J: So how much longer?

I went home and my roommates went on the date without me. I decided that I wasn't going to contact her again that night. I tried to get another date, but the same night just didn't go over well. I had the whole evening to think about the fact that for the first time in my life I got stood up. It was pretty depressing. I didn't here from Gabriella again. That night after my roommates got home and reported the fun they had had, I decided to send her another text, just to be a smart ass.

1:05am J: Whoa, must be a lot of flyers. How much longer now?

no response

4:24am J: Okay, I'm starting to think you stood me up for sure... so I'm going to bed.

no response

Experience 4 (Sienna(27): After my 3 previous experiences I figured I'd better take it easy. I was feeling some serious self consciousness, and didn't want to create more good memories. Unfortunately this girl had been hanging around our house and I was crushing pretty hard on her. One night a big group of people were hanging out and I made a point of spending as much of my time at the activity in close proximity to her as possible. Throughout the night we had an ongoing discussion about dating. When we talked about rejecting members of the opposite sex, Sienna mentioned how she preferred non-confrontational methods. I asked her to elaborate, she told me that she would just not respond to texts and calls. I agreed that that was a pretty good indicator. I probably even said "I'd take the hint." Later that night I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie with me the next day. She said that she would love to, and probably could but that I should text her tomorrow. I did... she didn't respond. I thought, "there's no way that she would tell me that’s how she dealt with rejection and then do it to me the next day." I tried hard not to let my previous three rejections get into my head. So I tried to text her twice more that week, and call her once. She didn't respond, and didn't come back to the house again for a while. I felt really stupid.

Experience 5 (Joebi(29): My roommates and I met Joebi with a group of other girls. We had hung out with them as a group several times, but it is one of those situations where no one in either group is sure who likes who and so no one really makes a move one way or the other. Well, out of no where Joebi calls me and asks me if I would go out with her. I was stoked first of all cause she was way better looking then me. Secondly because she was my favorite of the group but I always thought she liked one of my roommates more. We went out and it was a really fun date we doubled with one of her friends who was in a more serious relationship. I thought things were going really well. We went back to my place to watch a movie. Oddly enough our TV room has two love sacs perfect for double date cuddling and movie watching. We were cuddling on the love sac after the movie and talking. I said jokingly "I'm glad you picked me for you pity date." She laughed and said, "No, I asked you out because I knew we could just have fun and not have to worry about you getting attached or expecting more." My mind remembered a conversation we had had a couple months or so ago where we talked about failed relationships and I had mentioned how hard it was for me to want a serious relationship. She went on, "It was a fun no pressure night with a friend, we should do it again sometime in a month or so." So... yeah I count that as a rejection too.

Experience 6 (Janice(24): I had been on 2 dates with Janice and on a whim one day I invited her out for a 3rd. I thought she was adorable and liked spending time with her. We went to a movie, and the movie really wasn't very good. So there was more bored time for my mind to wander, and I thought I would love to hold Janice’s hand. It was our third date, it hardly felt aggressive to make this move. Nevertheless, I was nervous and it took some doing. I put my hand on hers, and for a while we held hands. There was reciprocation on her part, gentle movement and the such. Then after about 5 minutes or so she pulled her hand away to get some candy. I thought nothing of it and rested my hand between our two legs waiting for her to put her hand back on her leg. She did and so I slowly maneuvered back for the hand hold, but to my dismay her hand was firmly affixed to her leg. I checked the movie and it wasn't a tense moment, the horror dawned on me that she did not want me to hold her hand. Well what was I supposed to do? My hand was right next to hers... I awkwardly moved it away, back between our legs and then on to mine and then coyly took a bit of popcorn as though I hadn't just been blatantly shot down. After the movie, I drove her home. We talked for a minute in the car and she said, "Sorry about the whole hand thingy, it just didn't feel right in the moment." This comment made me feel further like a jackass, and I drove home feeling pretty inadequate.

In the span of 2 months I had the aforementioned 6 experiences - which considering the opening paragraphs I probably deserve. Regardless of the lessons learned it has me wondering "what exactly has changed." Sure I'm fatter, balder, and older, but I am funnier... I think. Unfortunately that thought has been lingering over the past months each time I meet a new girl. My confidence has not been cracked, but it definitely has a few dents in it.

John Maxim


Jaime Van Hoose Steele said...

Oh pumpkin!! Your still a ladies man in my eyes!...but maybe you should re-think dating the little vapid girls under 25, and maybe the older girls with substance will take you more seriously...just a thought :-)

Rhett said...

There's comedy, there's high comedy, and then there is this post! Loved it.

We (at least I like to think every male is included here) have all had all of those experiences. I think you should compile a book about those!

Oh ya.. and ignore Jaime's comment about girls under 25. She is wrong. I will expound in person.

Annie said...

A)I agree with Jamie, try a few girls over 25 and B)Thanks for the male perspective, this was a fun post to read.

The Pachuilo Family said...

My 2 cents...You aren't trying. How much time did you put in with any of those chicks? Texting is weak. Movies and a phone call...weak. Where is the A Game? Where are the flowers, the love notes, the candle light dinners? These girls aren't taking you serious because you're not taking them serious. So stop crying like a baby, cowboy up, pick a girl out of the 10,000 you know and put in some work. You're the best salesman I know so why are you selling yourself short?

Laura Lee said...

Mostly what concerns me is your idea that because you are "funnier" that will help you.

Where's the sincerity? Not just sounding sincere, but BEING sincere.

I'll admit, being funny will ATTRACT a girl to you -- it will. It totally works. But if you want a girl to stick around, you need to make a connection with her.

You don't need the love notes, flowers, chocolates or whatever. What you need are gestures (not texts) that let her know you are aware of her, you care about her and things she has said or done have stuck with you and you appreciate her and respect her for it. If you connect your true desires with your behavior, your sincerity will shine through and the girl you are after will recognize that.

Lindsy Floyd said...

Hey my friend mentioned you on her blog, and I'm the kind of person that likes to encourage people to be braver. So I'm forwarding her comment about you:

"Then you have this random guy at: he is freaking funny....wish I had the guts to leave a comment and tell him how sexy I find him and his thoughts but I don't."

If I can be so bold as to ask a favor, you should check out her blog and leave her a comment. She's having a bad day/week/month and it might cheer her up (or piss her off).

She's at:

You could also check out my blog, because I'm a shameless self-promoter. It's

Have a great day!

Anonymous said...

I feel the need to comment on this blog entry, even though I'm going to be a chicken and do it Anonymously.

So. I don't really know you. I read your blog, and we're Facebook friends, but I don't hang out with you. But, I think you're absolutely great. I would absolutely WANT to hang out with you. I find you completely sexy and funny and adorable and friendly and smart.

I have the feeling that girls actually might swoon around you. I think I would probably swoon aroun you. But I also have the feeling that the girls who swoon around you don't interest you. I get the feeling that you are always wanting to be the one on the "chase".

The fact that you feel qualified to write a book called "How to Get any Girl You Want Guaranteed", and not the book called "How to be the Guy any Girl WANTS" is a clue to how you feel about girls. It seems like you're in it for the chase, but not for the keeping.

I also agree that, while they are nice, flowers, love notes, candle-light dinners, etc. aren't actually necessary to winning a girl over. The only thing a girl needs is sincerity. A girl wants to feel special, not like you are asking her out because you have nothing better to do. Pursue a girl you wouldn't normally pursue. Girls who seem safe and easy to ask out aren't getting you anywhere.

Also, yes, you are older. That means your choice of girls should possibly be different. The fact that you've gone through some of the stuff you've gone through might mean the girls you go after should be different than the girls you used to go after.

Maybe you should go for a more mature girl. A girl who has gone through some stuff herself. Seek someone out, not just a girl who hangs around your Bachelor-Pad Party house.

But, then again, as you mentioned yourself in this entry, maybe you don't want a serious relationship. Maybe the thought of being in a serious relationship scares the crap out of you. But you'll never know until you try it again.

Anonymous said...

I don't even know if this will make you feel better or not, but it's worth shot because it true. Well, my truth anyway.

My husband was the nice guy who finished last when it came to girls; he simply didn't understand why dating should be any more complicated than "i like you, you like me, let's hang out and be honest with each other." Myself, on the other hand, dated men like it was a sport. And I suppose if all you do is date men who think like that, then all you're going to do is get played.

Then I met my husband. He said, "I like you and I want to share my life with you." End game. He was a good man who wanted the same things I did and falling in love with him was the easiest thing I ever did.

Be honest, don't be afraid to keep putting yourself out there. Your heart is going to get squashed and probably more than once. But you WILL find the woman who deserves you and likewise, the woman you deserve. Being single can suck, but there is absolutely no expiration date on your ability to love and be loved in return.

Anonymous said...

Okay now she is BUSTED....and here I sit laughing my ass off that she told you about my blog post!!! I cant decide if I should keep laughing or kill her!!

I actually know of you through Cameron, we worked together at AP&P in Salt Lake. Thats how I ran across your blog.

So I am leaving a comment now, because you know now about my mad crush on you.

Keep on bloggin, you are funny!

Pistolmom said...
LDS view

dre said...

Laura, you should write a book! It's true John, you are funny but I don't think any of your "game" is working because the girl doesn't know if it's real or not. I would like to expound in person as well.

interesting free psych service you have going on in this comment box. But going by the words from the Pachulio family, flowers never hurt! And since you have a date Wed March 18 5:30pm I suggest looking sharp, clean with a bit of scruff (optional but recommended,) flowers, something in the lily family like stargazers (personally pick-don't tell the florist to decide for you), and clean up any clutter in your car because your date is going to look hot!!

Nina said...

Just so you know, if I was single, I would TOTALLY date you and try to be everything you want! ;) You have probably the best personality I have ever found and that makes you INCREDIBLY hot in my eyes!!!