Obviously my blog is suffering from writers block or something. Clearly I have been struggling since February. What happened? I have analyzed and discuss with others the many reasons for this. I have come to a conclusion that will hopefully lead to me blogging and actually doing what I intended in the beginning. I think that I was well intentioned when I started. I wanted a place and a reason to write the story of my life. A journal. My problem with journal writing has always been, whats the purpose of writing (anything) if no one is going to read it?
I know that a case can be made for one reading their own thoughts for clarity and stuff. However that just doesn't motivate me. I realized the real reason I write a blog is to entertain others and make myself feel cool. Even when my posterity reads it (keeping in line with the whole journal thing) I hope they are entertained. It stopped being about documenting my life and got to a point where I was forcing myself to write. All I cared about was how many followers and subscribers I had. If I got less then 10 comments on a post I wondered what was wrong with that post... maybe I should have been funnier? or it was too long?
Eventually, it became apparent that I was not going to become an overnight blogging sensation, loved and revered by all whom read. No, subconsciously I realized I was just another blog, that though I was entertaining some people it wasn't getting me the attention I was craving... without really choosing to do so, I just sorta lost interest because the blog stopped feeding my ego.
So... what am I doing on my blog writing again? Is my post only being written to convince you that you should make comments and tell all your friends about me? No, I mean it wouldn't hurt, but really, I like writing. I like telling stories, and deep down if no one ever reads my blog again, I like having a journal.
I have wondered how I could overcome my burning need for attention and write in this blog despite my aforementioned feelings. I have decided to start slow and with a purpose. It dawned on me that pre-blog, I had a lot of things that I wrote with the intention of putting them into story format for later. I have nearly 3 or 4 dozen possible posts that are all in one respect or another pretty much already written.
There is the notebook that I wrote all about my experiences dating, falling in love with, and marrying Lara. I have a few letters that I sent out during our marriage, a couple of thoughts written on napkins, and even a paper plate full of information that would make a phenomenal post. I have another notepad which I wrote in nearly every night between the day Lara told me she was leaving me and the day she actually left me. A few blog posts that I started and never finished, and some documents on my computer with story's from the last days and experiences I had with my son Roe.
I know what you're thinking... deep stuff, not to mention pretty personal. Well, I feel have often felt like I need to write these things down. I feel like if I post them on my blog it will get me blogging for a different and more important reason then what my original intentions morphed into. Hopefully it will lead to a less narcissistic blogging habit. I am going to start finishing and fine tuning some of these writings and posting them chronologically according to the date they happened or were written.
You will have a hard time finding them unless you are already following or subscribed to my blog because I plan on back dating them automatically in the archives (kind of the way I did the "Adoption Chronicles" series I wrote.) If you're following my blog it will show up in your post feed. But the newest post on my blog (this one) will remain the same for a while. I plan on posting two or three times a month so don't expect it to come fast.
Anyway, we'll see if this little experiment works. Stay tuned.
I decided to update this post as I post new posts.
Lara: Episode 1 (back dated to May 11th, 2002 on 10/5/09)
Lara: Episode 2 (back dated to May 22nd, 2002 on 10/25/09)