on the john

Sentanced and In The News

2011-03-24T11:13:00.003-06:00

Here are a couple news articals about my sentancing. I will start posting the full story now that this is over. My attorney advised me not to post anything while we were negotiating. I have a few written and will write a few more in the next couple days.

KSL Channel 5 (Video)

Salt Lake Tribune

The Deseret News

Utah ABC 4

The Republic

Stay Tuned

2011-03-04T10:54:00.002-07:00

Many of you are wondering what ever happened. Where is the supposed video? Did you actually light the car on fire? Anything else interesting going on in your life?

All will come to light soon. The car did burn. I have federal court on March 10th and hopefully, that will be the end of it. I have stopped posting because exhibits c-f against me in this case are posts from this blog and my facebook.

One thing I can tell you is that of the $18,000 that was lent to me (thats the $15,000 I could use plus $3000 in Paypal fees) in this cause to save my house, I have, so far, paid back $3466. If you've been waiting, I will get to you, I promise.

Tell you more as soon as I can.

...and about the fire?

2010-08-12T18:49:00.005-06:00

Here is the exact question that is asked of me nearly everyday:

John, so by promising to light your car on fire you miraculously (and narrowly) raised $15,000 to save your house from the corrupt bank HSBC foreclosing on it, and all of this in less than 4 days? That is amazing. So why haven't you burnt the car yet?

I know, I know... this post will fill you in on all the gritty details.

I know in my original post that I promised in regards to lighting my car on fire that, "I will likely be arrested for the proposed adventure which will also be video taped and streamed live." However, after my crazy scheme actually worked, the reality of that statement set in. Getting arrested seemed like the worst thing I could do after borrowing $15,000, what with the accompanying fine, possible jail time and permanent ding to my record. So instead of just doing it then I set out to try and get permission to do it.

EASIER TO GET FORGIVENESS THAN PERMISSION
The above statement has been said to me and by me more times in the last two weeks than I can count. I always thought that this just meant that by asking forgiveness you got to do what you wanted which was worth the punishment.

What I have learned the past few days is that asking permission and getting told "no" and then doing it anyway, brings a far more severe punishment from the powers that be than just doing it without asking.

I tried going through the fire departments. I explained my experience in the beginning in this recent post a few days ago. Basically they said they wanted to help and that they thought they could do a training exercise with the car. However, they would have to check a few things and get back to me.

However, after a few days of not hearing from them I received the following email from the fire departments attorney:

"John,
This matter has been the subject of a significant amount of effort on the part of multiple officials within the Fire Department. We have been making a serious effort to accommodate what you should fully understand is a rather bizarre and unusual request. The logistics of what you have proposed are significant and we have been spending a fair amount of time dealing with those issues in order to facilitate this occurring. Despite these efforts, you have reacted by making unreasonable demands and have evidenced a complete unwillingness to recognize the Department’s concerns in allowing this to happen. Your blog posts have misrepresented the conversations you have had with the Fire Department and myself and characterized the Department’s attempts at cooperation as the opposite. The latest concept of placing advertising on the vehicle (without checking with me to determine whether this causes any legal problems for the Department, which it does) is yet another example of how you fail to recognize what you are asking for and the gravity of the situation. At this point, the Department is no longer willing to participate as it has become clear that you are not operating in good faith.

The Department urges you not to burn your vehicle as doing so is an inherently dangerous activity and you run the significant risk of injury (or death) to yourself and others as well as endangering property. You likely do not fully grasp what you are working with and will be held accountable for any actions you take."

Whoa... I have a who comentary on that response, but kind of ignored it because since it took more than 24 hours to get a response (I know my impatience is a vice) I went ahead and called every Fire Department within 50 miles of me.

I was greeted almost across the board with the same response. 1) Astonishment at my request. 2) A light finger shaking. 3) Them coming up with the idea, "We could use it in a training exercise. We burn cars all the time." 4) Them telling me they would have to talk to "legal" and get back to me. Sometimes they would go as far as sending me paperwork I needed to sign. 5) In every case they would get back to me with a "no".

Side note: The paperwork was pretty cool with legalese like the following,

"...I know the risk of serious injury does exist. I, for myself and on behalf of my heirs and next of kin, HEREBY RELEASE, INDEMNIFY, AND HOLD HARMLESS [blah biddy blah department, it's officials, blah, blah, blah] WITH RESPECT TO ANY AND ALL INJURY, DISABILITY, DEATH, or loss..."

*Brackets added. CAPS not added.

So in every case they said no. That is, every case except for one. One department seemed unfazed and went so far as to schedule a time and place. With my consistent failure everywhere else I asked my contact there a couple of times if he was sure that "legal" had signed off. Then when I received the "Release of Liability" I figured it was legit. So, the day of the proposed event I started advertising the fire. I even got ABC to agree to stream it live on the internet. All of the major networks were planning on coming.

I figure, one of two things happened after I posted the fire here on my blog. First, I may not have gotten to the top of the totem pole with this fire department. Which is why it seemed uncharacteristically easy. Once they were made aware of the event with the news cameras and everything the big boss came down and said, "No way." Or, second, another attorneys or chief/marshal of one of the other Fire Departments I was already told "No." by caught wind and decided to tattle. I'm leaning towards the latter of the two because one contact mentioned "I must have pissed of some people in some very high places."

Regardless, after I was told I could, and after I was sent the paperwork, and after I signed it and sent it back, I was told quite abruptly that I could not use the facility. That I could not donate my car for a Fire Department training exercise if it was going to be video taped or if I was going to be present or, heaven forbid, light the car on fire myself. The Fire Department went as far to send out the following press release:

"It has come to our attention that a Mr. Maxim may have contacted the media stating that Unified Fire Authority has offered to assist him in burning his vehicle. (because they did) He told local (This thing was a little bigger than local, I got loanations from as far away as England. This thing was international, thank you) citizens that if they helped him with his house payments (keeping him from foreclosure) that he would burn his car. Unified Fire Authority has denied (Now you tell me) Mr. Maxim our assistance at this time. It is my understanding that his plans were to use our training facility this evening located in Magna at 3950 S. and 8000 W. Please DO NOT keep this appointment if it has been scheduled as UFA will have no involvement with this event."

*Bold parenthesis added

I've never been called Mr. Maxim before... so, aside from ruining my night it was sort of flattering.

My attempt to keep my promise in a controlled permitted seemed impossible. I spent another day trying to get a Fire Departments okay. No luck. So I decided to send one last email to the first Department I dealt with... since I secretly (until now) thought they tried to sabotage me. Mostly because I couldn't and still don't see what I did to piss anybody off, but that email seemed a little strong worded. I wrote:

"I am writing to see if there are terms by which “The Department” would help me out with my predicament. I have been fully aware of the bizarre nature of this request. I’m certain that when I first spoke with The Fire Marshall that I was the one who used the term “bizarre” to preface my tale. You are right in that I was not fully aware of the legalities surrounding what I am asking, neither did I fathom that there would be any legal consequences to advertising which is the only reason I did not ask. My blog posts have not misrepresented my conversations and I struggle to see how they shed a negative light on you or the department. I have done nothing but act in good faith, albeit ignorantly at times, but I am trying to fulfill my bizarre promise without causing trouble. I have been completely upfront with you and the Fire Marshal and everyone else from the beginning. So my question is, is there a scenario that The Department can propose where I will be able to burn my car?"

To which I received this very succinct and clear response:

"I’ve spoken with the Chief and Fire Marshal and there is no scenario at this point in which the Department will participate."

I keep asking myself why is it so hard to light my car on fire. At first I was really mad at the Fire Departments for turning me down.

Ask your friendly neighborhood fireman if they've ever lit a car on fire. They will tell you yes. Ask them if there was gasoline involved. You'll probably get a "sometimes" or a "yes". Go ahead, ask them.

What I am asking is actually done all the time. So why the opposition? Liability, publicity, and regulation. Unfortunately Fire Departments are governed by a larger body, the National Fire Protection Agency or NFPA. After doing some reading I found out that no Fire Department in their right mind would light a car on fire with a video camera around. Because they are sure to break some pish-posh code or regulation of the NFPA. I went to their website and they offer the code to the public. However, to see it you have to register and agree not to copy paste or quote the blasted thing.

It's obvious that everyone I talked to wanted to help and find a safe way to make this happen, up until their lawyer cited some code or regulation they would be violation on film. So its hard to blame the Fire Departments for being lame once I see what they're up against. It's the NFPA that is forbidding me to light my car on fire.

So, what now?

It looks as though I will not get permission. I even tried calling the Burning Man event to see if they can help me. They suggested that if I removed the engine, the upholstery, the tires and scraped the paint off of the car that they would let me light it up... but that it would take a year. Ha ha, that was a totally serious conversation too.

Now, unless another opportunity presents itself, I will at an undisclosed place and an undisclosed time go to some remote location and light my car on fire and make every effort not to get caught. I will video tape it and put it on the internet for all to see afterwards. I will make this happen over the next 10 days.

I welcome all suggestions on remote/undisclosed locations where I will likely not get caught.

Carbeque tonight - CANCELLED

2010-08-03T16:44:00.002-06:00

It's off my friends... not permanently, but the powers that be have thrown a wrench into my little plan for tonight. You will have to wait just a little longer for me to make good on my promise.

Details coming soon.

Carbecue Tonight

2010-08-03T08:06:00.003-06:00

It's on my friends... and you are invited. I will be lighting my car on fire tonight at 8:00pm.

The address is:

0000 s 0000 w
AAAAA, UT
(for driving directions see www.google.com)

Advertising spots are still available ON THE CAR, I have sold $1200 in ad space so far ON THE CAR. My car will be available today for you to sticker/paint/or tattoo. Also, if anyone out there wants to cater or sell wieners or what-not lets talk. Tweet me, @onajohn

Wagon in Flames: DETAILS

2010-07-29T17:36:00.006-06:00

DETAILS:

ABC has agreed to stream the event live over the internet at http;//abc4.com/fire (this URL will not be active until Monday morning.)
Okay I have given the Fire and Law Enforcement officials a little ultimatum. If you don't figure out a way for me to light my car on fire legally I will do it anyway. I have told them that this will happen Tuesday of next week. The problem seem to arise with liability issues, they don't want to let ME light the car on fire and they don't want people there excitement. I tell them I am not trying top run a car-is-on-fire after school special here. They are working on it. It is funny when people laugh at my ultimatum and say, "You're just going to get arrested." Top which I respond, "Yeah, I know, but I don't have a choice... So help me out would ya?"
I am offering advertising space on my car, and on me. All of the funds received in advertising will go to pay back the generous individuals who lent me the money I needed to save my house. If there is any surplus I will donate that money to a charity which we can vote on.
Here is how I am handling advertising:

Make me an offer to advertise on the car. You are responsible for printing or painting you ad. I will make the car available Monday and Tuesday for such things. If I get a better offer than yours then I am going to take it.

Example: Steve Jobs texts/emails/calls me and says, "I'll give you $500 to advertise Apple on the hood of your car." I'll respond, "Okie Dokie." But, then if Some guy calls and says, "I'll give you $550 to advertise Tootsie Roll Industries on your car." I will say, "You got it." and call Steve Jobs back and tell him the terrible news. He can then decide to pay more. Bidding ends on the advertising on Monday at midnight.

You can make a stencil and spray paint your logo/advert on the car, you can use spray cans or stickers or sharpies. It doesn't matter much because it is going up in flames... live, on the internet. Tuesday night at 8pm.

I have already received a few offers. Spread the word so I can pay you guys back your loanations right away.

BEAT THE BANK. BURN THE CAR. ...Advertise?

2010-07-27T14:16:00.002-06:00

THE PROMISE:
If I raise the $15,000 I need to save my house from foreclosure I WILL start my car on fire. I did raise the $15,000.00.

Now... maybe it isn't obvious that when I came up with this idea, I didn't really think things through. I was desperate, filled with adrenaline, and I never actually expected it to work.
It did work. In retrospect, I wish that as soon as I left the courthouse I would have just driven to a K-Mart parking lot (because those are always empty) parked the car, grabbed my bow and arrow, (I don't have a bow and arrow but my retrospect is usually mingled with imaginations) walked 40 paces lit an arrow on fire and shot it into the car. Which would then ignite into a magnificent burst of flames and black smoke (due to the gasoline I had splashed all over it).

I didn't do that. So now, things have gotten complicated. Here is what has happened:

I called a couple of fire departments here in Utah. I wasn't completely upfront with them at first. I just tried to get them to tell me what could and could not be done. I called all my friends who owned businesses and asked them if they wanted to let me burn my car on their property. No one wanted to do it unless there was permission from the local Fire Dept because they could get a ticket as the owner of the property.

Then I got a call from a local Fire Marshal. I'm not sure if my earlier attempts at covert intel were what tipped her off or if one of the TV News channels that had been constantly calling me to find out where the fire was going to take place had called her to get some information... whatever the case, there she was, and she knew what I was up to.

I explained to her about the miracle that had happened. I told her that I HAVE to burn my car.

Ms. Fire Marshal: If you light your car on fire you will get arrested.
John: Well, everyone keeps telling me that I'm not going to get permission so I should just go for the forgiveness route.
Ms. Fire Marshal: Who's everyone?
(I recognized that my answer wasn't going to have any legitimate sources in it and hesitated long enough for her to add)
Ms. Fire Marshal: You can't just light a car on fire, you don't want to be arrested for arson. Who's telling you that?
John: Just people on the internet and my blog you know the saying, better to ask forgiveness than permission. So you're right, I don't want to get in any trouble, here I am asking for permission or at least guidance. Can I do it on private property or get a permit or something.
Ms. Fire Marshal: Tell me how you want to do it.

I explained to her that I was obligated to do it for the many people who had loaned me money to save my house. I told her I knew it was crazy, but that the platform for my whole deal was built upon me lighting my car on fire. I told her that if she didn't help me do it I would still have to do it anyway.

I further explained that I needed it to be a show. That I was so grateful that I had raised the money that I needed to make a spectacle of it. That the people deserved it. I told her that I had to be the one lighting it on fire. She seemed understanding and said she would call back.

She did call back and proposed that we burn the car as part of a "training session". She said she would try to work out the whole me lighting it and that there would be "accelerants" used. That it would give my benefactors what they wanted and be safe. She told me I had to talk to legal, the city attorney, and sign some papers and stuff.

I told her I wanted to do it tonight. She told me that wouldn't be possible. She said best bet would be Friday, but that I would need to talk to the attorney.

Today I talked to the attorney. He told me that he wanted to help and sent me some waiver papers. When I asked him who I need to bug down at the fire department to get this done on Wednesday. He responded:

"I’ve been talking to people at the Department about it several times today. It is still under consideration as to whether it will go forward at all, so I don’t know that bugging them would be productive at this point. They are aware you want to do it tomorrow. I will keep you updated."

"...go forward at all"??? That just wont do.

FULFILLING THE PROMISE NO MATTER WHAT:
Well the Fire Marshal said "arson" however I have looked into it a little bit more and I think she miss spoke there. Yes I may get arrested, but the counsel I've gotten is that it is definitely not arson. At worst I am looking at a "reckless burning" charge. I know that my mother will hate this but, the truth is, I am so grateful to the people that lent me this money that I will risk being arrested to make this happen. Call me stupid if you feel it's necessary, but a promise is a promise.

I have let the Fire department know, that with their permission or not, I will be lighting my car on fire Monday night.

PAY IT FORWARD JOHN
I have had a few people upset that I actually intend on lighting my perfectly good car on fire. There has been talk that I should trade it with someone who has a broken down car. Someone in need. A couple of down and out single mommies were even volunteered. So, I thought that doing a trade might work. I called and talked to two of the volunteered women. After telling them about my car they have both decided that they would rather fix their broke-down cars and keep them.

After being rejected by those in need, I gave it some more thought.

Here is the thing about the car. It does work "perfectly" good for me, but... it is a piece of junk. The new transmission I put in it, just weeks ago was used. It is jumpy and needs to be replaced. Because it's used they have warranted the transmission, but not the labor. So it'll cost a few hundred dollars to fix it. It has 267000 miles on it, and it's a Ford, so there is no telling it's life span.

Secondly, I promised I would light MY car on fire. Part of the appeal is that it is a working car, a car I just put $900 into. All of the people saying, "Don't burn it, give it away." Those people are my friends and family. They would have lent me $20 if I wanted to light a Nintendo game on fire. The amazing truth is, the majority of my donations came from strangers, and most of them, responded that they want me to burn the car.

So, I am going to burn it. The 1993 Ford Escort is going up in flames... Monday Night, permission or not.

ADVERTISE?
It occurred to me that there may yet be another angle here to play. The excitement and coverage of this thing keeps getting bigger. My blog is getting huge amounts of hits a day. Why not sell advertising spots on the car to my little show. It will be streamed live when it happens, and likely be replayed many times over. I could use the money paid by advertisers to pay those 387 individuals (who gave the precious loanations I needed to save my house) back almost immediately.

What do you guys think? I mean, it was a stunt in the first place is there a problem with exploiting a stunt?

After all the real story here isn't that I saved my house, and it isn't that I am lighting my car on fire, no, it's that a large group of strangers got together and gave, to help a guy in trouble out.

THANKS! WE saved the Maxim-Pad from Foreclosure

2010-07-26T13:16:00.008-06:00

In four days WE successfully raised $15,000.00 the amount needed to save my home from foreclosure!

What people have done for me has returned a reaction I haven't felt since watching Goose die the first time I saw Top Gun... different emotions... same reaction.

In the last four days I’ve gone from thinking I’ll be losing my house to pulling off something special. Something I didn't even believe would happen when I started out. Special, because it was mostly through the generosity of complete strangers, and for that I am amazed, astonished, and humbled.

I’d like to give special thanks to the following, because I believe
they each deserve a varied portion of the credit for saving my home:

Drew Curtis and www.fark.com

The mention about my blog brought incredible amounts of attention (and loanations) to my cause. Rightly listing me in the "dumbass" category I credit Fark with helping save my house.

Kerry, Bill, Gina and Richie from X-96

The demographic that loves your show must also love the idea of a man burning a car. Their support helped provide the much needed lift to close the gap in the final minutes.

Keith Stubbs at 101.5 The Eagle

Kieth's interest in the actual "why's" of my story helped listeners to relate and loanate.

The Gary and Dino Show

Thanks for taking the time to let me tell my story amidst your other stories of beer, chicks, beer, beer, chicks and beer.

The Nightside Project

Despite your audiences overwhelming assertion that I am a bum and loser, publicity is publicity and I got a few loanations thanks solely to you.

Mike Baird and www.foreclosureboys.com
In a time when no one seems to read anything longer than 140 characters, the video you shot gave my story a face (albeit an unshaven one) and allowed me to explain.

The following Twitter personages or "Tweeps"

@iKasey @whodatjames @sojornalista @slcitygirl

@NessieRenee @missamierose @scambone @averagejoseph

Tirelessly irritating your followers in unwavering loyalty to my cause. Astonishingly Twitter made more than half of those loaning me money aware of my plight.

Most Important Thanks

The hundreds of people that contributed amounts as small as $1 to my cause. Your generosity is amazing. It's simply amazing. I know that there are good and decent people in the world. Long after the loans are paid, I will be deeply indebted.

At the moment I’m trying to find a location to safely burn the car. I’ll update you as time progresses. If anyone has any idea's, would like to sponsor the event or knows a fireman who takes $20-dollar-handshakes... let me know.

I have received several requests, that, rather than light the car on fire that I donate it to charity, or auction it off. I would be happy to do so. However, I believe a large portion of those who loanated did so because of the advertisement of lighting the car on fire. However I have emailed each of those who lent me the money to see if the general consensus has changed.

HELP! Save the Maxim Pad from Foreclosure

2010-07-22T10:50:00.030-06:00

FORECLOSURE SALE IS SET FOR JULY 26th AT 9:15am!

Video on Foreclosure Boys TV

"John Maxim, a Salt Lake City resident, is about to lose his house to foreclosure. In an attempt to raise the money required to save his house he is going to light his car on fire and stream it live over the internet."

...That's how I imagine the first paragraph of a news article written about what I am actually trying to do to read. It also sounds very much like the premise to a movie.

Those who know me well know I am not too proud to have everyone know what a dufus I am. I screwed up and this post is a pathetic last resort. BUT I am not asking for a hand out, I am asking for a loan.

So, here's the deal:

I need $21,638.02 to save my home from foreclosure. (WHY?!)
The foreclosure sale is scheduled for Monday July 26th!
I already have $6,500.00
If I am able to raise the remaining $15,000.00 I will light my car on fire.
I will do so in a public place to be disclosed later.
I will video tape said mayhem and stream it live over the internet.
I will likely be arrested for the proposed adventure which will also be video taped and streamed live.
Here is my car:

I know what you're thinking, "that piece doesn't even work." Wrong. I just paid $900 to have the transmission replaced (which I wouldn't have done if my bank hadn't led me to believe they were going to work with me.)

Sadly... I am not above saying the next sentence. Please send me some money. I will pay you back. $1/$5/$10/$20 or more! If I don't get enough, I will send you your money back. Please forward this post to your friends... if anything just to mock me or to give yourself a reason to lament the sad state of our current economy.

TO LEND ME SOME MONEY CLICK ON THE DONATE BUTTON IN THE SIDEBAR>>>

I figure in a country where Oprah can just give people cars, where Lehman Brothers Bank can get bailed out by our government, where Lindsay Lohan can be "breaking News", and all other such silly American debacles... that perhaps there are enough people out there who'd pay a small amount to see some desperate sap light his car on fire.

TO LEND ME SOME MONEY CLICK ON THE DONATE BUTTON IN THE SIDEBAR>>>

For those of you who feel like people need to "deserve" your loan... I have prepared the following post explaining how exactly I got into this mess.

TO LEND ME SOME MONEY CLICK ON THE DONATE BUTTON IN THE SIDEBAR>>>

I am a man of my word, I only have a couple of days for this to work. If i get the money, I will light my car on fire to put a smile on your face for 2 or 3 minutes surely that's worth a few dollars. I do also intend on paying back each person who helps out.

TO LEND ME SOME MONEY CLICK ON THE DONATE BUTTON IN THE SIDEBAR>>>

Do I deserve your $5-$20 loan?

You can make that judgment. Over the last three years while working with my bank and taking them at good faith, sure, I have watched many movies, eaten many over-priced concessions, been on several dates, gone out of town on the odd weekend when I could have been hunkering down and saving and pinching every penny to send to HSBC. Instead of watching Season 4 of Dexter, Season 6 of LOST, Season 6 of Entourage, the entire Twilight Saga (that one night with my girlfriend) and the 2010 World Cup I could have been working down at the Home Depot or the corner Maverick or some other part-time gig to get all caught up and paid off. Instead I trusted that my mortgage company would work with me LIKE THEY SAID THEY WOULD... that was a mistake. (Go to the "WHY" section to see how it got to this point.)

I recognize that I should not have trusted HSBC to help, let alone do what they said they would do... No, I should have spent zero money on any non-necessities while past due... that's what you would have done, right?

So if while reading this you're thinking, "I'm not sure if he deserves my $5/$10/$20 to get out of this mess." then I say to you, you are right.

I suggest however, you think of it this way, "Even though he doesn't deserve it, it would be pretty cool to see a video of him lighting his car on fire and possibly getting arrested. That's a venture I can get behind."

To LEND click here and send money through Paypal to onthejohn@comcast.net

TO LEND ME SOME MONEY CLICK ON THE DONATE BUTTON IN THE SIDEBAR>>>

Questions? read the FAQ page - different then the WHY page

HELP! Save the MaxiPad (WHY?)

2010-07-22T08:53:00.006-06:00

JOHN, HOW DID YOU GET INTO THIS MESS?:
A few years ago when this and this happened... I got a little depressed. I sort of gave up on life and for several months did nothing but lie around and wallow in self pity. I got behind, on a lot of things, most notably my mortgage. Once I started getting back on track I called my bank and started working with them.

To correct the 6 months of past payments and all the fee's that went along with it, they told me they would review me for a "modification or other workout option." Which really meant that they kept telling me they were going to do something and then for months they would call me, and yell at me for being past due. Until I reminded them that they are reviewing me for a workout to which they would respond, "Oh, yes it is being reviewed."

In January they stopped accepting my payments, and told me that I had to be on an approved modification or reinstatement before they would accept any more payments. I sent them my paystubs and bank statements every three months upon their request. I waited for them to approve me.

When they told me that they would no longer accept payments. I started putting payments aside for the day when something, anything was approved.

I called them every couple weeks to see what was happening. Every call either being told that my modification is being reviewed and to call back, or to send them more documentation, i.e. a bank statement or a pay stub and then to call back.

In June I called and was told that the minimum they would accept for a workout was $6500. I had $5000 at the time and the woman on the other end of the phone said that my foreclosure was tentatively set for sometime in late August. I told her I could send the $6500 in in July and she said that would work.

In July they posted my home for foreclosure sale (one month earlier than they told me they would) When I called and said, I have the $6500.00 they told me this,

"As of June 1st 2010, once a property has a foreclosure sale date scheduled we will only accept full reinstatement, which is your past due payments plus attorneys and late fees."

My past due payments are $15,434.88. Once they added all the additional fees and the attorney it came to whopping $21638.02

I have called them nearly 40 times in the last 48 hours and they have strictly advised me that there are NO EXCEPTIONS.

Actual conversation:
JOHN: I can send you $6,500 right now.
BANK: We cannot accept that.
JOHN: So you'll send me the money back.
BANK: Yes.
JOHN: I can send you $10,000 tomorrow.
BANK: We cannot accept anything less than the full amount.
JOHN: Less than a month ago you told me you'd take $6500.
BANK: That was before the foreclosure sale was scheduled. Once the sale is scheduled we can accept nothing but the full amount unless there is a death in the family.
JOHN: So you can stop it?
BANK: No.
JOHN: You are capable of stopping it? If someone died you would stop it?
BANK: Did someone die?
JOHN: No, but I now know that you can stop it, so work with me like you said you would a month ago.
BANK: We had a change of policy as of June 1st 2010, we will not accept anything less than full reinstatement.
JOHN: So a month ago you would have worked with me.
BANK: Yes.
JOHN: ...Did you send me a letter or something informing me of this significant policy change?
BANK: No. We are not required to inform you of our foreclosure guidelines.

I can cite the many issue's I have with this, like, HSBC dragging my modification review out for 27 months, or HSBC refusing to accept partial payments for this entire year, or HSBC telling me I could do something (pay the $6500) without educating me as to their "policy" changes... I could waste time mentioning those things, but I wont go there.

So that's how I got into this point. Do I deserve a loan?

You be the judge. I have watched many movies, eaten over-priced condiments, been on several dates, gone out of town for the weekend when I could have been hunkering down and saving and pinching every penny to send to HSBC. Instead of watching Season 4 of Dexter, Season 6 of LOST, Season 6 of Entourage, the entire Twilight Saga (that one night with my girlfriend) and the 2010 World Cup I could have been working down at the Home Depot or Maverick or some other part time gig to get all caught up and paid off.

I recognize that I should not have trusted HSBC to help let alone do what they say. No I should have spent zero money on any non-necessities while past due... that's what you would have done, right?

So if while reading this you're thinking, "I'm not sure if he deserves my $5/$10/$20 to get out of this mess." then I say to you, you are right.

I suggest however, you think of it this way, "Even though he doesn't deserve it, it would be pretty cool to see a video of him light his car on fire and possibly be arrested. That's a venture I can get behind."

Questions? read the FAQ page

Save the Maxi Pad (FAQ)

2010-07-22T08:03:00.004-06:00

The name of your house is... The Maxi Pad?
My name is John Maxim, people enjoy, at my expense no doubt calling me 'Maxi' so they affectionately refer to my house as the "Maxi-pad"... get it?

Why not call a foreclosure attorney or file bankruptcy?
I have exhausted every avenue in getting to this point. I have spoken to many attorneys, know my rights and the rules of law governing foreclosure. I would not be resorting to this if there were any other viable options.

How are you going to pay $15,000 back?
If credit weren't such a screwed up system I would simply go to a bank and get a $15,000 loan. They would offer me something like 5 years at 10% which would roughly be $300 a month. I will pay $300 a month back until every person is paid in full. I'll pay back the strangers first, the friends second, and the family 3rd.

So I might not get my $5 back for 5 years?
Yes... you might not. So if you can't live without the money you are paying to see me light my car on fire you might just want to go to McDonald's instead, though we both know that's a meal you could afford to skip.

That's pretty rude to say to someone you're trying to borrow money from.
Yeah, well that wasn't even a question. So maybe it was rude... if we were friends you'd just give me the money, instead you're going to nit-pick over every little thing. If we are not friends and you can't take a little shouldn't-eat-McDonald's-because-you're-fat joke then we likely never will be friends. Besides I am obviously a little testy right now seeing as my mortgage company totally lied to me and is now trying to steal my house. I'm sorry, I am usually very nice.

What are you going to drive after burning your car?
I have another car. I have a loan on it and I am grossly upside down. Buying it is the worst thing I've ever done. I would love to burn it, but the bank I have my car loan through would press charges.

Why not sell both your cars?
The one I am burning is probably worth $1000. I am $6000 upside down on my other car. Though I'm not a math major or anything I'm not certain how -$5000 will help me save my house.

Do you really think you'll be arrested?
Depends on where I do it. Law enforcement caught wind of this little endeavor and contacted me to tell me that I could be charged with reckless burning at the very least and any number of other charges. If I can find private property to burn it on that would be my best bet... I'd burn it on my front yard but it's so small it would probably start my house on fire, and that wouldn't solve any of my problems.

This is crazy! Do you think it'll actually work?
That depends on you. Spread the word. Many hands make light work. But, no, I don't think it'll work. I don't have enough time, but I have to try.

How can I lend you some money for this worthy scheme?
Click on the "donate" button in the sidebar. (Where it says "donate" it means "lend") Or log into www.paypal.com and send it to onthejohn@comcast.net

LOST re-watch SCHEDULE

2009-12-14T02:23:00.005-07:00

I'm watching all 5 seasons of LOST at my house before the final season 6 starts in February. Most LOST re-watches started back in June... I'm a bit more of a procrastinator. This will be fun, here is the meticulously planned entire schedule.

I have created a facebook group that you can join to get event invites and updates on the progress. Join that group at this link!

Come watch with me at my house on my 9' screen in HD.

If you've never seen LOST this will be a great introduction.

FULL EPISODE SCHEDULE

THURSDAY December 17th, 2009
7:00pm (226 N 200 W)
LOST: Season 1, episodes 1-6
• 7:00pm
o The Pilot: Part 1 (42 min)
o The Pilot part 2 (40 min)
• 8:22pm
o Tabula Rasa (43 min)
o Walkabout (43 min)
• 9:48pm
o White Rabbit (42 min)
o House Of The Rising Sun (43 min)
• 11:13pm (DONE)

SUNDAY December 20th, 2009
2:30pm (226 N 200 W)
LOST: Season 1, episodes 7-14
• 2:30pm
o The Moth (43 min)
o Confidence Man (43 min)
• 3:56pm
o Solitary (43 min)
o Raised By Another (43 min)
• 5:22pm
o All the Best Cowboys have Daddy Issues (42 min)
o Whatever the Case May Be (43 min)
• 6:47pm
o Hearts and Minds (43 min)
o Special (43 min)
• 8:13pm (DONE)

SUNDAY December 27th, 2009
2:30pm (226 N 200 W)
LOST: Season 1, episodes 15-22
• 2:30pm
o Homecoming (41 min)
o Outlaws (43 min)
• 3:54pm
o In Translation (43 min)
o Numbers (43 min)
• 5:20pm
o Deus Ex Machina (42 min)
o Do No Harm (43 min)
• 6:45pm
o The Greater Good (43 min)
o Born to Run (43 min)
• 8:11pm (DONE)

TUESDAY December 29th, 2009
7:00pm (226 N 200 W)
LOST: Season 1, episodes 22-24
• 7:00pm
o Exodus: Part 1 (43 min)
o Exodus: Part 2 (86 min)
• 9:09pm
LOST: Season 2, episodes 1-4
o Man of Science, Man of Faith (43 min)
o Adrift (42 min)
• 10:34pm
o Orientation (43 min)
o Everybody Hates Hugo (43 min)
• 12:00am (DONE)

FRIDAY January 1st, 2010 (New Years Day)
10:00am (226 N 200 W)
LOST: Season 2, episodes 5-12
• 9:30am
o BREAKFAST (provided please RSVP)
• 10:00am
o …and Found (42 min)
o Abandoned (42 min)
• 11:24am
o The Other 48 days (46 min)
o Collision (42 min)
• 12:52pm
o What Kate Did (46 min)
o The 23rd Psalm (43 min)
• 2:21pm
o The Hunting Party (43 min)
o Fire + Water (43 min)
• 3:47pm (DONE)

SUNDAY January 3rd, 2010
2:30pm (226 N 200 W)
LOST: Season 2, episodes 13-20
• 2:30pm
o The Long Con (44 min)
o One of Them (45 min)
• 3:59
o Maternity Leave (43 min)
o The Whole Truth (43 min)
• 5:25pm
o Lockdown (43 min)
o Dave (46 min)
• 6:54pm
o S.O.S. (43 min)
o Two for the Road (43 min)
• 8:20pm (DONE)

THURSDAY January 7th, 2010
7:00pm (226 N 200 W)
LOST: Season 2, episodes 21-24
• 7:00pm
o ? (46 min)
o Three Minutes (45 min)
• 8:31pm
o Live Together, Die Alone: Part 1 (43 min)
o Live Together, Die Alone: Part 2 (43 min)
• 9:57pm
LOST: Season 3, episodes 1-2
o A Tale of Two Cities (43 min)
o The Glass Ballerina (43 min)
• 11:23pm (DONE)

SUNDAY January 10th, 2010
2:30pm (226 N 200 W)
LOST: Season 3, episodes 3-10
• 2:30pm
o Further Instructions (42 min)
o Every Man for Himself (43 min)
• 3:55pm
o The Cost of Living (43 min)
o I do (43 min)
• 5:21pm
o Not in Portland (43 min)
o Flashes Before Your Eyes (43 min)
• 6:47pm
o Stranger in a Strange Land (43 min)
o Trisha Tanaka is Dead (43 min)
• 8:13pm (DONE)

TUESDAY January 12th, 2010
7:00pm (226 N 200 W)
LOST: Season 3, episodes 11-16
• 7:00pm
o Enter 77 (43 min)
o Par Avion (43 min)
• 8:26pm
o The Man From Tallahassee (43 min)
o Expose (42 min)
• 9:51pm
o Left Behind (43 min)
o One of Us (43 min)
• 11:17pm (DONE)

THURSDAY January 14th, 2010
7:00pm (226 N 200 W)
LOST: Season 3, episodes 17-23
• 7:00pm
o Catch-22 (42 min)
o D.O.C. (43 min)
• 8:25pm
o The Brig (43 min)
o The Man Behind The Curtain (41 min)
• 9:49pm
o Greatest Hits (42 min)
o Through the Looking Glass: Part 1 (45 min)
• 11:16pm
o Through the Looking Glass: Part 2 (39 min)
• 11:55pm (DONE)

TUESDAY January 19th, 2010
7:00pm (226 N 200 W)
LOST: Season 3, episodes 22-23
• 7:00pm
LOST: Missing Pieces
o The Watch (3 min)
o The Adventures of Hurley (2 min)
o King of the Castle (2 min)
o The Deal (3 min)
o Operation Sleeper (3 min)
o Room 23 (1 min)
o Arzt and Crafts (3 min)
o Buried Secrets (3 min)
o Tropical Depression (3 min)
o Jack, Meet Ethan. Ethan, Jack (3 min)
o Jin Has a Temper-Tantrum On the Golf Course(2 min)
o The Envelope (2 min)
o So It Begins (2 min) 32
• 7:32pm
LOST: Season 4, episodes 1-4
o The Beginning of the End (44 min)
o Confirmed Dead (44 min)
• 9:00pm
o The Economist (43 min)
o Eggtown (43 min)
• 10:26pm
o The Constant (44 min)
o The Other Woman (43 min)
• 11:53pm (DONE)

SUNDAY January 24th, 2010
2:30pm (226 N 200 W)
Lost Season 4, episodes 7-13
• 2:30pm
o Ji Yeon (43 min)
o Meet Kevin Johnson (44 min)
• 3:57pm
o The Shape of Things to Come (43 min)
o Something Nice Back Home (44 min)
• 5:24pm
o Cabin Fever (44 min)
o There’s No Place Like Home: part 1 (44 min)
• 6:52pm
o There’s No Place Like Home: part 2 (85 min)
LOST: Season 5, episode 1
o Because You Left (42 min)
• 8:59pm (DONE)

TURSDAY January 28th, 2010
7:00pm (226 N 200 W)
LOST: Season 5, episodes 2-7
• 7:00pm
o The Lie (41 min)
o Jughead (42 min)
• 8:23pm
o The Little Prince (42 min)
o This Place is Death (42 min)
• 9:47pm
o 316 (42 min)
o The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham (45 min)
• 11:14pm (DONE)

SUNDAY January 31st, 2010
2:30pm (226 N 200 W)
LOST: Season 5, episodes 8-16
• 2:30pm
o LaFleur (42 min)
o Namaste (42 min)
• 3:54pm
o He’s Our You (41 min)
o Whatever Happened, Happened (42 min)
• 5:17pm
o Dead is Dead (42 min)
o Some Like It Hoth (42 min)
• 6:41pm
o The Variable (42 min)
o Follow the Leader (42 min)
• 8:05pm
o The Incident (84 min)
• 9:29pm (DONE)

FEBRUARY 3rd, 2010
LOST SEASON 6 AIRS!

Retrospect posts

2009-09-12T01:40:00.004-06:00

Obviously my blog is suffering from writers block or something. Clearly I have been struggling since February. What happened? I have analyzed and discuss with others the many reasons for this. I have come to a conclusion that will hopefully lead to me blogging and actually doing what I intended in the beginning. I think that I was well intentioned when I started. I wanted a place and a reason to write the story of my life. A journal. My problem with journal writing has always been, whats the purpose of writing (anything) if no one is going to read it?

I know that a case can be made for one reading their own thoughts for clarity and stuff. However that just doesn't motivate me. I realized the real reason I write a blog is to entertain others and make myself feel cool. Even when my posterity reads it (keeping in line with the whole journal thing) I hope they are entertained. It stopped being about documenting my life and got to a point where I was forcing myself to write. All I cared about was how many followers and subscribers I had. If I got less then 10 comments on a post I wondered what was wrong with that post... maybe I should have been funnier? or it was too long?

Eventually, it became apparent that I was not going to become an overnight blogging sensation, loved and revered by all whom read. No, subconsciously I realized I was just another blog, that though I was entertaining some people it wasn't getting me the attention I was craving... without really choosing to do so, I just sorta lost interest because the blog stopped feeding my ego.

So... what am I doing on my blog writing again? Is my post only being written to convince you that you should make comments and tell all your friends about me? No, I mean it wouldn't hurt, but really, I like writing. I like telling stories, and deep down if no one ever reads my blog again, I like having a journal.

I have wondered how I could overcome my burning need for attention and write in this blog despite my aforementioned feelings. I have decided to start slow and with a purpose. It dawned on me that pre-blog, I had a lot of things that I wrote with the intention of putting them into story format for later. I have nearly 3 or 4 dozen possible posts that are all in one respect or another pretty much already written.

There is the notebook that I wrote all about my experiences dating, falling in love with, and marrying Lara. I have a few letters that I sent out during our marriage, a couple of thoughts written on napkins, and even a paper plate full of information that would make a phenomenal post. I have another notepad which I wrote in nearly every night between the day Lara told me she was leaving me and the day she actually left me. A few blog posts that I started and never finished, and some documents on my computer with story's from the last days and experiences I had with my son Roe.

I know what you're thinking... deep stuff, not to mention pretty personal. Well, I feel have often felt like I need to write these things down. I feel like if I post them on my blog it will get me blogging for a different and more important reason then what my original intentions morphed into. Hopefully it will lead to a less narcissistic blogging habit. I am going to start finishing and fine tuning some of these writings and posting them chronologically according to the date they happened or were written.

You will have a hard time finding them unless you are already following or subscribed to my blog because I plan on back dating them automatically in the archives (kind of the way I did the "Adoption Chronicles" series I wrote.) If you're following my blog it will show up in your post feed. But the newest post on my blog (this one) will remain the same for a while. I plan on posting two or three times a month so don't expect it to come fast.

Anyway, we'll see if this little experiment works. Stay tuned.

John

I decided to update this post as I post new posts.

Lara: Episode 1 (back dated to May 11th, 2002 on 10/5/09)
Lara: Episode 2 (back dated to May 22nd, 2002 on 10/25/09)

Anyone?

2009-06-10T20:03:00.002-06:00

Does anyone still read this? Or wish they could?

Excellent Adventure or Bogus Journey? PART 2

2009-03-26T14:00:00.000-06:00

Previously on, on the john: ( "Watchmen" was good, unfortunately it wasn't awesome...)(...apparently most find it irresponsible to drive to a casino town at 1:30 in the morning.)(...versus being able to respectfully make-out with a whole bunch of different chicks at the same time...)(...chose to slam on his brakes the figure would have splattered all over...)(BLAIR: What if he's a psycho killer?)(...with the help of a little moonlight a body could be seen...)(...followed a trail of glass and gashes in the asphalt...)

John and Scott, perused an accident scene, doing their own little CSI, in Utah's freezing west desert at 3:30 in the morning. They figured that they had pieced together what happened to the man lying in a puddle of his own blood and his friend with the rubber hand. While walking around discussing and pointing at the many clues, if they ever got out of ear shot of the loud labored snoring, every 30 seconds or so one of them would glance back at the form on the ground, making sure that it's torso continued to violently fill and depress with air.

John and Scotts theory: There were beer cans around and so it was clear the drivers of the green pickup had been drinking, the driver was probably drunk. Maybe he fell asleep, either way the grass off the shoulder showed that the truck was already traveling sideways when it came off of the freeway. The truck was traveling fast enough that when it hit the grass it began to roll. The ground was a gradual downhill for about 50 yards off of the freeway, and then a gradual uphill for another 10 yards before it reached the fence. The truck violently hit the hill on the upslope losing it's back bumper and then hurling it into the air at least 5 feet high so as to very nearly clear the barbed wire fence. The man with the rubber hand was probably thrown from the truck before the fence, because there was no way he could have climbed over it to get in front of speeding freeway traffic in his state. After being in the air almost 20 yards the truck landed with so much force that it knocked the drivers shoe off. Then rolling threw the driver back 50 feet where he slid and skipped to a stop. The trucks rolling was slowed and it almost crushed the driver as it came to a stop on it's side right next to him.

Scott walked back to the truck to talk to one of the other Samaritans from Clinton. John stared down at the shoe. He stood next to it, and visually compared it's size to his. The shoe was his size. The thought that this man, who was still snoring loudly, was probably similar to him in height and weight somehow made John think of the mortality of the situation and feel very insignificant.

He wandered back around the windshield, the stray tailgate, and a plastic bag and other rubbish to join the others talking. Scott and the other man were discussing CPR. John was glad to hear that Scott had been trained in CPR and that the other man was formerly in the Army, and was even more qualified. The thought of putting his mouth on the bloody smashed face of the stranger lying on the ground was uncomfortable. His breathing was so labored however it seemed he could just die at any moment. It was decided that if he did stop breathing that CPR would be preformed. They all looked of to either horizion hoping to see the flashing lights of an emergency vehicle.

About 25 minutes had passed. Tyler returned from the car where he was keeping warm. His face was already blue from the cold and he clung to his light jacket like it might just fly off of him. The Clinton went back to his car. After a little discussion Tyler says, "Hey guys this might sound cheesy, but do you think we should give him a blessing?" John was shocked, the thought hadn't even entered his mind. Of course they should, John thought, and then said, "That's not cheesy at all, Man. Of course you should!" John was taken back. Had he actually been far enough from the spirit to not even think of giving someone in this situation a blessing? He informed Tyler that he was not worthy to preform the blessing or even to stand in. The thought made him sick to his stomach. The insignifigance he felt earlier was compounded with guilt and remourse. John urged the blessing, and even had to remind Tyler how it was supposed to be done.

John bowed his head and stood close as the worthy gently laid hands on the mans head and gave him a blessing. John marveled as very literally almost instantly before he had even said the words "...by the authority of..." The mans breathing got significantly easier. Their was no more snoring. The torso moved less violently and more rhythmically. It was a miracle! Perhaps his pain was eased. Perhaps he was conscious and the comfort of knowing he had been blessed eased his breathing. Perhaps he had just finally fallen asleep. John and those around him didn't know, but they knew that that simple act changed something. Something John knew he should have been a part of.

Scott and John waited in the cold for another 20 minutes. They had to pay closer attention to the breathing. Since the blessing, it was a lot harder to tell, especially with the mariachi music soundtrack, but the breathing continued. Tyler and Nick kept visiting the scene, but after a few minutes the cold would drive them back into the car. They looked for flashing lights and finally after nearly an hour they saw the first. A Highway Patrolman, showed up first.

He walked up, and before he even asked us any questions reviewed the scene. He reached into the truck and turned off the stereo. John looked at Scott, Scott laughed a little and said, "Well, had we known it was that easy..." The Patrolman asked the group all of the normal questions and told them LifeFlight would be there in 10 minutes. He tried talking to the man on the ground, and fished the wallet out of his back pocket. The snoring started again. The Patrolman found his license, "Morales Hernandez" he said.

The officer got on his radio and started talking to what sounded like LifeFlight. He mentioned, the man's name the number of victims, and as he picked up an empty beer can and stood it up next to the body, mentioned there was alcohol involved. Another set of lights could be seen in the distance on the highway.

Within 10 minutes 4 ambulances and a bunch of paramedics had shown up. They were all from Toole or Wendover. Some of the paramedics were on the "larger than average" scale and couldn't get over the fence. So they cut it down. There was a lot of chatter and Radio communication. "Do you need a second helicopter?" "Negative." "This guy is CHARLIE DELTA." "Victim 2 - not sure if we'll be able to save his hand and he has a head laceration but he's conscious." "We can land it on the frontage road!"

John, his crew, and the Clinton boys... the "first responders," stood out of the way, and waited for someone to ask them something, but nobody did. They may as well not been there. John watched as one of the paramedics straitened out Morales's legs which were broken in several places. Tyler mentioned that he hadn't even noticed it before. Scott pointed out the Helicopter lights off in the distance.

John was no stranger to being a first responder. This was the sixth time he had been among the first to come across a horrible accident. Three of the times he was the first on an accident where LifeFlight was involved. Still the powerful wind and loud noise that accompanied a helicopter landing left him with his mouth open.

Eight people rolled Morales on to his back and kept telling him to try not to move. They carefully moved him to a board, and then on to a gurney. Surprisingly, they wheeled him into the nearest ambulance not to the recently landed helicopter. Once the authorities arrived it was all very blury, but Nick pointed out that they could watch just as good from the car and they all ran to enjoy the heated seats and blasting vents.

They watched as, as many people who can fit into an ambulance, did, and worked vigorously on Morales. Scott mentioned hearing the term "CHARLIE DELTA." The group figured that stood for "Close Death" and decided that maybe the ambulance was better equipped to stabilize him then the helicopter. After a while, the Highway Patrolman came by, he said, "We got everything we need from you... you guys are free to go." They all kind of wanted to see it out, but after a little discussion and the fact that it was nearly 4am the group decided to move on. The sign read Wendover 40 miles as they started back onto the freeway.

The gambling in Wendover was good at first. Everyone who was gambling decided to play craps together. The whole group was winning, they had quickly doubled their money... but then they got greedy and they everyone lost. They played for nearly 3 hours though and the money lost was worth the fun that was had.

It was decided they would go to another casino and try their luck on a different table before they headed home. The sun was out, and they all realized that they had been up all night long. John felt a little tiredness set in for the first time. They got into the car, John turned the radio down so that they could decide where to go, and they all heard a loud noise that the car was making as it rolled forward. When John rolled the window down it sounded as if someone was dragging the bottom of a chain-link fence rhythmically across the hood of a rusted old car. Nick mentioned that he had pointed that out earlier in the night, and that he had been able to hear it ever since they stopped at the accident. He just figured John knew about it since he told him not to worry about it.

They inspected the wheel and tested it, and decided that there was a bad ball bearing making the sound. John became frustrated, which, being tired is worse then normal frustration. Especially since he just got his car out of the shop. There was no such thing as a repair that was less then $1000 on his stupid car. John figured the smart thing to do would be to pay for a tow, but from Wendover on a weekend that would be nearly $500 and how were all 5 of them going to get home? He decided he would think about that over another game of craps and they headed to another casino.

After finding a new table, they put their money in and after only three shooters, everyone of them had lost all their money! They literally played for less than 15 minutes. Scott lost $60 and didn't even get a chance to roll the dice. The group, tired, broke, and a little discouraged headed to Burger King for some breakfast. Nick texted his dad, who was a "car guy"and told him about the Audi's noisy troubles. His dad confirmed that it probably was the ball bearing. He warned Nick that if we chose to drive on it that the friction could get hot enough to weld the wheel to the axle! The thought of going 75 on a freeway and then having a wheel freeze up was scary. The tow alternative seemed like so much work though. John decided to drown his worries in a double Whopper.

After some commiseration and breakfast it was decided they would chance the drive. John decided they should say a prayer. When he mentioned it he saw some glances exchanged between his passengers. He knew what they were thinking, but he figured that there was never a bad time to say a prayer. They paused in the parking lot for a moment and asked for a safe trip home. John pulled out of the parking lot. Scott was saying what a fun trip it was and everyone was agreeing that good times were definitely had. After traveling about 500 yards. John saw a police car oncoming ahead of him. He checked his speed and figured it was okay, then he saw a speed limit sign posted at 35 and realized he was going 10 over. The officer passed him, immediately hit his lights, made a u-turn and pulled John over.

The policeman walked up to the window.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
JOHN: Yes, I was speeding.
COP: License, registration, and insurance please.

John had them ready and handed them over.

SCOTT: I cannot believe that! ugh! We just left Burger King.
NICK: Was there even a speed limit sign between there an here?
SCOTT: No. I don't think there is. I am sure he is just going to give you a warning.

John looked in his rearview, he could see Burger King back in the distance. He could also see the Policeman filling out the ticket book.

JOHN: Nope, he is definitely writing a ticket.
SCOTT: Oh man, I hate cops. This is why I hate cops. Is he really going to write you a ticket for going 45 on a highway like this??
BLAIR: Can't you tell him we were the ones who helped out with that big accident last night.
JOHN: He's Western Wendover PD he probably doesn't even know about it. I am going to ask him about the speed limit sign though.

The cop comes back to the window, hands John the ticket to sign and gives him the usually "not an admission of guilt" spiel.

JOHN: Can I ask you a question?
COP: Sure.
JOHN: I just left Burger King back there a minute before you pulled me over. Is there even a speed limit sign between there and here?
COP: (scoffing) Yeah, it is posted often.
SCOTT: (laughing) What is it posted every 10 feet?
COP: (raising his voice) Do you have a problem? What does this have to do with you?
SCOTT: We just left Burg--
COP: This has nothing to do with you! Whats your problem man.
SCOTT: I don't have a problem I just don't think--
COP: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
SCOTT: I was just--
COP: LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU"RE DONE.
SCOTT: I'm Done.
COP: This has nothing to do with you. You want to go and make things worse for your buddy here, then keep it up.
SCOTT: I'm done
JOHN: Do we have -- COP: Doesn't sound like you're done. -- JOHN: (cont.) ...to have this -- SCOTT: I"M DONE. -- JOHN: (cont.) conversation right -- COP: IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU'RE DONE. -- JOHN: (cont.) now? WOULD YOU BOTH PLEASE SHUT UP!

John was nervous that he had lost it there but neither one of them even acknowledged him. They just kept getting louder.

SCOTT: I'M DONE. I'M DONE
COP: IT DOESN"T SOUND LIKE YOU'RE DONE. IT SOUNDS LIKE WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A PROBLEM.
SCOTT: I'm Done.
JOHN: SCOTT! Don't even say YOU'RE DONE. Just don't say anything.

Scott was quiet. The Cop stood there looking at him as to tempt him for a few moments, then, he mumbled something about having 2 weeks to respond and told John to have a nice day. John didn't respond. The Cop walked away.

The drive home consisted of music loud enough to drown out the constant "REET REET REET" sound the car was making, and Scott saying over and over that the whole trip was great until "...that stupid cop decided to be a prick and ruin everything!" John conceded that the cop was more of a prick then most of policemen in his police experiences. Really though, the only thing that concerned John was that they make it home without further incident. With every gust of wind or bump in the road John thought 'Here is comes.'

Lucky for the group it never did. After an hour and a half they got off of the 600 north exit John called out to the car, "We made it!" Some of them woke up and some of them cheered. Regardless, they figured the were home free. As they pulled onto their street John looked for a parking spot. He saw one, and made a u-turn to get to it. Mid u-turn John exclaimed, "Oh crap! oh-ho, give me a break!" Everyone looked at him and thought maybe the car had finally given up. They all watched as John put his hand up to his mouth and spit into it what looked like a tooth. John said, "Oh, come on, gie me a break." Nick asked, "What is that?" John replied, "It's a temporary crown, man I have a date tonight, I wont be able to see my dentist... plus I have to sleep."

John parked the car and started laughing. You could see the stump of tooth that his crown had fallen off of, it was conviently located on one of his front four teeth. Most of the group joined in the laughter. It was 10am, only 12 hours after the start time of "Watchmen" but it seemed so long ago. One hour, a walk to Maverick, and a tube of Krazy Glue later and John lay down with his tooth back intact and reflected on the evening for a few moments befoe he fell asleep.

Johnny Metropolis.

PostScript: A week later John called to find out the status of Morales Hernandez. After some run around, he was able to talk to someone. Morales made it to the hospital but never came out of critical condition and passed away two days later. The hospital wouldn't tell him much about the man with the rubber hand, but that he lived. John also learned that "Charlie Delta" is a rating system. The 5 phonetic alphabet letters ALPHA, BRAVO, CHARLIE, DELTA, and ECHO are used to rate a victims seriousness when found - ECHO means Dead. Finally, the date John had glued his tooth in and needed sleep for canceled on him minutes before the scheduled time. The five who went to Wendover that night however have a story that will grow with time and be one of the craziest nights any of them have ever had.

Excellent Adventure or Bogus Journey?

2009-03-25T15:18:00.001-06:00

It's Friday night and everyone was meeting for dinner at 8:15. Spaghetti Mama's was to precede the opening night viewing of "Watchmen." John was invited to watch "Watchmen" at Jordan Commons IMAX theater by Jon Madsen two weeks prior. John purchased his tickets, borrowed the comic book the movie was based on and then waited in excited anticipation for the show.

A week before the show John received a text:
BEKAH: Hey, want to take the Fun Bus to Wendover Friday night with me Alan and Brit and some friends.
JOHN: Crums! I would love to... but I am going to see Watchmen that night at 9:50. Maybe I'll just drive up after and meet you there.
BEKAH: Oh Crap! I forgot that Watchmen was this weekend.
John, finishing the textersation entertained this thought process "dinner at 8pm (1 1/2 hours) Watchmen (3 hours) drive to Wendover (1 1/2 hours) play in Wendover (4 hours) Drive home (1 1/2 hours) Be home at 8am - Sleep till 2pm... Perfect!" He started inviting everyone to his night of fun.

All in all 20+ people showed up to Jon's movie night. "Watchmen" was good, unfortunately it wasn't awesome like John was expecting. In addition, try as he might, he invited a bunch of people to Wendover, but apparently most find it irresponsible to drive to a casino town at 1:30 in the morning. Turned out too, that Bekah, who invited John to Wendover, and the friends she was going to go with decided not to go anymore.

Regardless, at 1:30am John, Scott, Tyler, Nick and Blair jumped in the Audi and headed west. The drive was somewhat uneventful except for an in depth conversation about dating and commitment. After traveling about 75 miles, during one of Scott's tirades about the difference between being a "player" versus being able to respectfully make-out with a whole bunch of different chicks at the same time. John noticed something on the road ahead. The figure was running from the middle dash marks on the freeway towards the right side of the road. John was traveling in the right lane at 80 miles an our. He started to swerve to the left. Blair screamed from the backseat and Scott and Nick yelled some indiscernible expletives. John watched as if in slow motion this form which looked like a hunched over man waving one arm, ran across the freeway in front of him. The front of the car literally missed this guy by 5 to 10 feet. Had John chose to slam on his brakes the figure would have splattered all over his windshield. Those in the car quickly debated what just happened:

TYLER: Holy Frick was that a deer?
SCOTT: No, it was a guy.
JOHN: Yeah that was a man running across the road.
NICK: We should go back, and make sure he doesn't run in front of somebody else.
BLAIR: Sorry for screaming.
TYLER: Are you kidding? that was a guy.
JOHN: Yeah, we barely missed him... you think we should go back?
NICK: Yes, that idiot is going to run in front of somebody else who wont be as alert. We need to see whats wrong.
JOHN: I don't see any cars stopped or anything, we are in the middle of no where.
SCOTT: We need to be careful, it looked like he had a hood, and we don't know what he's doing.
JOHN: I'm gonna reverse.
BLAIR: What if he's a psycho killer?
JOHN: Then we are gonna kick his ass, there are 4 huge guys in here.
TYLER: Do you think it was an accident?
NICK: I don't see any cars but we should definitely go back ya'll.
SCOTT: Yeah, that's so crazy. There is nothing out here, no cars on the side of the road - nothing. What could he be doing out here at 3 o'clock in the morning?
JOHN: I just saw another car swerve in the rearview.
NICK: That guy is going to get killed!
SCOTT: Oh, look someone else is pulling over.
NICK: I can't see anything through this tint. I'm rolling the window down.
JOHN: We'll be there in a second.
NICK: Uh, your car is making a pretty bad sound.
JOHN: Don't worry about it, but I can't see with you hanging out the window.

John pulls the car back to the other pulled over vehicle, a 10 year old Toyota Corolla. By this time the man who was in the middle of the freeway was in their back seat. John and Scott get out of the front seats of their car. A guy yells out the window. "This guy keeps pointing out there and saying "friend." John and Scott look towards a field north of them. At first they don't see anything. Then after their eyes scramble around for something, intermittently in the red light of the hazards, they see a large dark box shaped thing. As they stare at it, it dawns on them that it is a car, resting on it's side nearly 200 yards from the freeway! The two passengers of the Toyota and all of the passengers of Johns car run towards the heap. There is a 5 foot barbed wire fence, that they quickly scale.

The pile of steel that used to be a pickup was on it's side but it wasn't running. Somehow the CD player survived the accident... mariachi music played out of the stereo during the experience as though a film director had chosen it to juxtapose the horror and gore of the scene. Shattered glass and twisted metal were everywhere. The cab of the truck had been smashed almost flat. At first glance it seemed unbelievable that anyone had survived.

As their eyes adjusted, with the help of a little moonlight a body could be seen at the back end of, what at closer inspection is a newer Ford truck. John gets there right after Scott. The body is that of a man, he is lying face down. There is blood coming out of his ear and all over his face. His nose and face are smashed into the asphalt of the frontage road that his truck somehow landed on. He is not responding as Scott try's to talk to him. Nick yells, "Did someone call 911?" One of the other two Samaritans, two guys from Clinton, UT, responded that they hadn't gotten that far yet. Tyler quickly calls 911 to inform the authorities of the accident. John runs back to his car, it is so dark that he maneuvers his car to shine his headlights onto the scene.

The genius who was flagging people down in the dead center of a dark freeway was sitting in the back of the other vehicle. He was clearly drunk. He didn't speak a lot of English, but it was pretty apparent that he didn't grasp the gravity of the condition his friend was in. "Do you think my hand is going to be alright" he asked. His hand was bloody and swollen. It looked like a rubber glove filled with water which hung in no particular fashion. As though the bones in his hand had been crushed to a powder. He had a laceration on the side of his head, which bled a little more when he found out that 911 had been called. He cried "no poliz, no poliz!" John wondered if he was an illegal or if he just feared the coming DUI. John told him, "Your friend needs to go to a hospital." and then thought, 'and if you don't want a hook or claw or something, you do too.'

Back at the pickup the Clinton duo had laid a few coats over the man, who was breathing. This was evidenced by the loud snoring sound he was making. Of course in juvenile idiot fashion no one in Johns car even brought a coat. John and Scott at least had hoody's on, but the 20 degree temperature bit harder with even the slightest breeze. John and Scott walked around trying to piece together what had happened. They followed a trail of glass and gashes in the asphalt, but noted that the fence they climbed seemed unharmed. Initially they thought that perhaps these guys were traveling on the frontage road. Then they noticed the bumper on the other side of the fence. Near the bumper a fence post had been bent slightly about 10 inches. The barbed wire had been pushed down about 6 inches and it became apparent that the truck hit the embankment so fast that it nearly cleared the fence altogether. Scott pointed out where the bumper was, and then you could see where the truck first landed because of a shoe and some debris... 50 feet behind that the truck lay on it's side emitting the happy tune of mariachi music.

to be continued...

Humble Pie

2009-02-27T08:29:00.006-07:00

There was a time where my friend and I had actually discussed at length writing a book that we would title "How To Get Any Girl You Want Guaranteed." We went so far as to outline chapter headings. I truly believed I was qualified to write that book at the time. I am learning now, quickly and painfully that I am not.

The names have been changed and the timing is vague for anonymity, but the following 6 stories are true:

Experience 1 (Gwendolen(24): I got set up with this Gwendolen. She was a very good looking tennis player who loved movies. We went out on 3 dates. I tried to set up a fourth, and she suddenly became very difficult to get a hold of... I didn't quite know what to do. So I texted her, she responded that she was really busy. We texted back and fourth for a bit, but seemingly whenever I asked her to do something she very inconveniently had other things going on. This had never really happened to me, but I recognized that I had used these same tactics in the past to avoid the confrontation of letting a girl know I wasn't interested. The day I decided to wait and see if she would contact me first I talked to the friend who set us up. She was a very good friend and I told her to be completely honest with me. She was. She told me that Gwendolen had told her that she thought I was funny, but that she just wasn't attracted to me. I've never considered myself overly good looking, but I have always been pretty confident that my personality and charm made up for whatever I lacked in looks. I figured Gwendolen was an anomaly and moved on.

Experience 2 (Rebecca(21): I had known Rebecca for a while. We had flirted vigorously for probably a year. She was quite a bit younger then me, and that always put a bit of a damper on us having any kind of relationship. However she had recently turned 21 and I figured that there was nothing young about her personality so I decided to go for it. We went on a date which involved stopping at my house for a minute. That night a bunch of people happened to be in my house. They were playing Mario Kart and we played a couple of games. She met everyone, including a friend of mine who was there (Bronson) who didn't live in my house but frequented it. He was only a year younger then me. While on our date she asked about him. I didn't think much of it. Then three days later she tells me she is going out with him the coming weekend. I was miffed and it obviously showed on my face because she laughed and then realized what she was doing caught herself and then said, "Oh come on John, your like my brother." So maybe I didn't properly make the transfer from friend to more than a friend clear. I wished them luck and moved on.

Experience 3 (Gabriella(20): Gabriella and I used to hang out a lot. I was kind of dating someone else at the time and so was she, so the timing was never quite right. Then she moved, not far, but far enough that our circles changed and we didn't see each other. I had always sort of regretted not giving it a shot with her. One week I decided that my roommates should all go out on a group date. I planned it and got tickets for everyone to a comedy show downtown. The fun of it was that we planned the date before we even had dates, so we spent the week trying. With the two previous misfires I didn't have a ton of success. Then, luckily, out of no where Gabriella texts me. I call her back and we talk. I find out she isn't dating anybody she is free for the weekend. I ask her out and she says yes. The day of our date arrives and I text her to get her address.

5:20pm J: Whats your address again?
5:23pm G: (address) but I'm still at work so do you want me to call you when I'm off? and do I have to like wear something special or anything?
5:28pm J: I'm not stopping by until 7:30 or 8. So no big deal. You should probably dress as sexy as possible, you know, to impress me.
5:30pm G: Oh wow,i have nothing you want to see.But ill see what i can find to keep your mind wandering!

My roommate and I decide that we will drive to dinner and the show together. He and his date are in the back of my car and we start driving towards Gabriella's house. That’s when I get another text from her.

7:36pm G: Hey im still at work so is it cool if i come when i get off?
7:38pm J: Where do you work?
7:39pm G: The Realty Group
8:03pm J: Wha? Realtors don't work past 7? How much longer?
8:10pm G: I'm an assistant to a bunch of realtors. i have to do flyers for the open houses tomorrow and then bring some stuff to some clients!Boo!
8:12pm J: That sounds like a lot... Am I getting stood up here?

While giving a play by play to my two passengers I decided to turn around and head home.

8:21pm G: No,i just told you i would come after!
8:24pm J: After? Uh okay Mr. Miagi... let me know. I'll just wait around for you.
8:26pm G: Shut up!you are such a dork!
8:28pm J: So how much longer?

I went home and my roommates went on the date without me. I decided that I wasn't going to contact her again that night. I tried to get another date, but the same night just didn't go over well. I had the whole evening to think about the fact that for the first time in my life I got stood up. It was pretty depressing. I didn't here from Gabriella again. That night after my roommates got home and reported the fun they had had, I decided to send her another text, just to be a smart ass.

1:05am J: Whoa, must be a lot of flyers. How much longer now?

no response

4:24am J: Okay, I'm starting to think you stood me up for sure... so I'm going to bed.

no response

Experience 4 (Sienna(27): After my 3 previous experiences I figured I'd better take it easy. I was feeling some serious self consciousness, and didn't want to create more good memories. Unfortunately this girl had been hanging around our house and I was crushing pretty hard on her. One night a big group of people were hanging out and I made a point of spending as much of my time at the activity in close proximity to her as possible. Throughout the night we had an ongoing discussion about dating. When we talked about rejecting members of the opposite sex, Sienna mentioned how she preferred non-confrontational methods. I asked her to elaborate, she told me that she would just not respond to texts and calls. I agreed that that was a pretty good indicator. I probably even said "I'd take the hint." Later that night I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie with me the next day. She said that she would love to, and probably could but that I should text her tomorrow. I did... she didn't respond. I thought, "there's no way that she would tell me that’s how she dealt with rejection and then do it to me the next day." I tried hard not to let my previous three rejections get into my head. So I tried to text her twice more that week, and call her once. She didn't respond, and didn't come back to the house again for a while. I felt really stupid.

Experience 5 (Joebi(29): My roommates and I met Joebi with a group of other girls. We had hung out with them as a group several times, but it is one of those situations where no one in either group is sure who likes who and so no one really makes a move one way or the other. Well, out of no where Joebi calls me and asks me if I would go out with her. I was stoked first of all cause she was way better looking then me. Secondly because she was my favorite of the group but I always thought she liked one of my roommates more. We went out and it was a really fun date we doubled with one of her friends who was in a more serious relationship. I thought things were going really well. We went back to my place to watch a movie. Oddly enough our TV room has two love sacs perfect for double date cuddling and movie watching. We were cuddling on the love sac after the movie and talking. I said jokingly "I'm glad you picked me for you pity date." She laughed and said, "No, I asked you out because I knew we could just have fun and not have to worry about you getting attached or expecting more." My mind remembered a conversation we had had a couple months or so ago where we talked about failed relationships and I had mentioned how hard it was for me to want a serious relationship. She went on, "It was a fun no pressure night with a friend, we should do it again sometime in a month or so." So... yeah I count that as a rejection too.

Experience 6 (Janice(24): I had been on 2 dates with Janice and on a whim one day I invited her out for a 3rd. I thought she was adorable and liked spending time with her. We went to a movie, and the movie really wasn't very good. So there was more bored time for my mind to wander, and I thought I would love to hold Janice’s hand. It was our third date, it hardly felt aggressive to make this move. Nevertheless, I was nervous and it took some doing. I put my hand on hers, and for a while we held hands. There was reciprocation on her part, gentle movement and the such. Then after about 5 minutes or so she pulled her hand away to get some candy. I thought nothing of it and rested my hand between our two legs waiting for her to put her hand back on her leg. She did and so I slowly maneuvered back for the hand hold, but to my dismay her hand was firmly affixed to her leg. I checked the movie and it wasn't a tense moment, the horror dawned on me that she did not want me to hold her hand. Well what was I supposed to do? My hand was right next to hers... I awkwardly moved it away, back between our legs and then on to mine and then coyly took a bit of popcorn as though I hadn't just been blatantly shot down. After the movie, I drove her home. We talked for a minute in the car and she said, "Sorry about the whole hand thingy, it just didn't feel right in the moment." This comment made me feel further like a jackass, and I drove home feeling pretty inadequate.

In the span of 2 months I had the aforementioned 6 experiences - which considering the opening paragraphs I probably deserve. Regardless of the lessons learned it has me wondering "what exactly has changed." Sure I'm fatter, balder, and older, but I am funnier... I think. Unfortunately that thought has been lingering over the past months each time I meet a new girl. My confidence has not been cracked, but it definitely has a few dents in it.

John Maxim

Breaking the Seal

2009-02-24T17:12:00.005-07:00

For about 3 months in 2008 I worked for CHACHA. What is CHACHA? It is a text service where you can text 262262 any question and they will answer it. Back then it was completely free and used to be really cool, but now it kind of sucks because they charge after a number of texts and stuff. Anyway, I found out that on the other end of my text message was a person, sitting at their computer who would simply google the question I had asked and then would respond based on what they found on google. They got paid 20 cents for every question they answered. Awesome right?

I applied and passed a rigorous series of tests that they had (well I sorta cheated on the typing portion of the test, cause I can't type, but it was done online, so I just had my brother do that portion for me) once I passed I became a CHACHA guide and would sit and answer questions that people would text in like: Do dolphins sleep? How long is the National Anthem? or What is a penis?

I found it to be a fascinating and fun pastime, and felt I was actually pretty good at it. I could spend an entire entry writing about some of the questions and how I answered them, but I will probably just tell you this one (since there is a point to this post) and that'll be it.

I got this question:
When drinking, what does the term breaking the seal mean?

As a guide one must infer what an asker "means" by a question, 'drinking' could mean a lot of things, but I figured that they were talking about alcohol. Being Mormon, I have had less then the average human experience with drinking alcohol, drunken nights, beer pong, beer before liquor rhymes, hangovers, and other cultural nuances of inebriated life. I could only make an assumption and that wasn't the CHACHA way.

I was frustrated that I couldn't find an adequate explanation. CHACHA keeps track of how long it takes you too, and expects a response within 3 minutes. So I did the only thing I could, I phoned a friend. One who had profound expertise in the aforementioned lifestyle. I called him, I told him the question and said something like, "Does it mean that you open the beer, or pop the cork, or twist the cap or something?" He laughed, mocking like, and said, "No, when you are drinking if you go pee, you have broken the seal. He said that you hold it for as long as you can, because if you go pee once, you will have to pee every 5 minutes for the rest of the night" he further explained that "maintaining the seal is easy, but once it's been broken it is almost impossible to hold." I googled the words 'breaking the seal pee' and sure enough a bunch of pages came up which gave me an opportunity to respond to the question properly.

So, I'm breaking the seal on my blog. Get ready for my brain to urinate more stuff through the keyboard on to this blog!

John Maxim

Playlist

2008-12-01T05:11:00.009-07:00

Today is the two year anniversary of losing my son Roe. I feel compelled to write something regarding the matter. In looking back over the last two or three years and all of the things which have transpired it is easy for me to sometimes get down. Feelings of depression and sadness over regrets and bad luck constantly plague my thoughts. It has been said by many of you, even on this blog, that I have the worst luck in the world... though I don't totally agree with that, it does seem sometimes that were it not for bad luck I would have no luck. I know that everyone has rough patches and hard times. It's part of life. I think what makes us the best possible version of ourselves is making it through the hard times in the right way. I figured I would share one of my strategies with you. I have a little playlist on my Ipod which I have played over and over and over again since my divorce... I know some of you would quickly get tired of the same 4 songs, but I have found them to be very uplifting. I call it "Smile" (Cheesy? I know. Am I embarrassed? No) I have taken the time to explain each song and what I think it is saying. I am not really interested in what the author actually meant by it or intended when he or she wrote this song, these are simply my interpretations. Enjoy:

"Hopeless Case" by Less Than Jake

I always listen to this song first. The singer is talking about how he feels like he is not worth anything, he can't seem to get "it" right and is therefore in his own eyes a "hopeless case" (I know it sounds depressing, but ride it out) He says, "I have this feeling inside that I wouldn't like me if I met me. seems like a losing fight, if you could see it through my eyes, then you'd believe me." The song continues and he talks about how he's "self-destructive", "insecure", "out of focus", and how "anything he touches can be broken". I don't know about you, but I feel like this all the time, I'm filled with doubt about who I am and what I am worth. There are hundreds of songs that preach this same message, and we all can relate. This song has a different twist to it however, which is why I like it so much. The singer is not just lamenting his own low self esteem. He is actually singing to someone else, a loved one or a friend. He cries out, "The truth is that I've had enough, but you still help me, You! You hear the words that I say, You just tell me my hearts in the right place, it's the world that's confused, and it's never too late to save a hopeless case." It's the down-on-himself singer that I am relating to. I'm sitting there feeling sorry for myself, and then he goes and thanks someone for caring about and believing in him. I love this because it forces me to remember all of the people in my life who love me. Especially those who love me in spite of "me." Who see me differently than I see myself. The people who never give up on me. My family, my friends, the people that I truly love. It also reminds me that when I have a friend feeling down and like things are hopeless for them that its NEVER too late for me to save a hopeless case.

"Hold On" by Wilson Phillips

I can seldom hear this song with out belting it out at the top of my lungs. Which usually spawns ridicule from my male comrades and swooning adoration from females lucky enough to view the event. Though I don't mind the attention, my love for this song goes deeper than the entertainment value singing it provides. The very first line gives a lot of perspective. "I know this pain" which is then repeated with "I know that there is pain." Its really easy for me to think nobody knows what I am going through, that no one can relate, that my life is worse than anyone else's... and that is just simply not true, and it never will be. There are so many people on this planet, living now, and that have lived, and that will live that really its ridiculous for me to think my journey is exclusive. My favorite part of "Hold On" is that it also points out that the way I deal with the "pain" is my choice. "Why do you lock yourself up in these chains? Don't ever let anyone step all over you." and "You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness. You got yourself into your own mess." and "Don't you think it's worth your time to change your mind?" I am so quick to look to others to blame my unhappiness on, she did that or he said this... no one can make me feel anything. I can choose to be happy regardless of my circumstances, whether or not I made the decision or someone else made the decision that got me into that circumstance. Then the chorus which speaks for itself. "I know that there is pain, butcha hold on for one more day and you break free, break from the chains... Don't you know things can change? Things can go your way if you hold on for one more day." Making that choice to be happy is a daily thing. Making it one day at a time, holding on to that choice is what gets me through the toughest of times.

"Move Along" by All-American Rejects

As well as being an incredibly catchy and fun to listen to song, the writing and message in "Move Along" is very poetic and has many small lessons in it. "Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking." Worrying is not the way to get trough trouble. "When you fall everyone sins." Yep, everyone. I'm not perfect and not expected to

be. "Another day and you've had your fill of sinking." Despair and sadness is very real and reaches us all. "Your hands are shaking, cold. These hands are meant to hold, speak to me." This journey through life is not meant to be traversed alone. I need to share it with others. Then the chorus hits. "When all you've got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do. And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through." What does move along mean? Well, to me it means that I just need to keep doing, to keep living, to press forward. I really like that they say "Even when your hope is gone." Because that happens! Life deals me some pretty tough cards sometimes, but giving up is never the way to "make it through." I find that when my hope is gone that is when I think that my trial is permanent. Funny thing is, when I look back, in retrospect, at other trials in my life, I can see that is never true... but when I'm smack in the middle of a terrible situation it is really hard to see the truth. The truth is, like in "Hold On" that eventually I will make it through, and things will change. Remembering that truth while trouble is abound is the key to surviving it. If, "when all [I've] got to keep is strong, move along." "and even when [my] hope is gone, move along." "when everything is wrong, move along." - just to make it through, and I will.

"Believe" by Yellowcard

This song is a little different then the other three, and I always like to finish with it. The message in the first three songs read like a self help book, with common sense messages that we sometimes have a hard time remembering in times of travesty. They are ambiguous and general. Whereas "Believe" tells a very specific story while still relaying a powerful message. It also has a cool electric-violin that I love. This is a post 9/11 story, written one year after the terrorist attacks. The singer talks about the hero who despite the calamity of that day chose to put his life at peril to save others including the singer. The story tells how the hero did not make it, and yet the singer did. The singer starts paying tribute to this hero "Think about the love inside the strength of heart. Think about the hero saving life in the dark. Climbing higher through the fire, time was running out. Never knowing you weren't going to be coming back alive... but you still came back for me. You were strong and you believed." Explaining this as a metaphor for life is too easy, and on the surface this seems like a simple telling of the heroic acts of that day and its aftermath. The chorus is the hero comforting the singer as he saves him, "everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be alright, be strong believe!" Here is where the song gets really good. (I must warn you, for the most part my blog is free from religious commentary, but I think it's important to share how I really feel here.) The story goes - singer lives, and the hero dies. The singer laments, "Think about the chance I never had to say thank you for giving up your life that day." Then the singer tells of the effect that the hero's sacrifice made on him. "I wanna hold my wife when I get home. I wanna tell the kids they'll never know, how much I love to see them smile. I wanna make a change right here, right now. I wanna live a life like you somehow. I wanna make your sacrifice worthwhile!" The chorus repeats, this time the singer is telling himself how he can accomplish the change and follow the hero's example, "everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be alright, be strong believe!" If the fact that these attacks actually happened and what a horrible experience that was isn't enough to bring clarity to my problems. Then I listen to this story, and I am reminded of another hero, one who sacrificed himself for me. I gotta tell you that I believe in Jesus Christ. I know that he lived and I know that he died for me. I know that he took my sins upon himself, and I know that he has felt every pain and sorrow that I will ever encounter. Like the hero in this song, he never feared, he only heard my voice calling out. He showed me how to act, and what the love inside the strength of heart is. He let it all go and sacrificed everything for me. All the while telling me that everything is going to be alright, to be strong and believe. No matter what I am going through, remembering his example helps me remember how much I love my family and others, it makes me want to change who I am, and it makes me want to make his sacrifice worthwhile. I can think of no other message which better teaches me how to treat others, and how to make it through anything life can dish out to me. No matter what I'm going through I can feel him urging me on "everything's gonna be alright, be strong, believe."

This cheesy little playlist has seen me through many a difficult times, especially in the last couple of years. I'm certain many of you could make your own playlists that would probably be better and more profound. This works for me though and makes it very difficult for me to have a bad day. Feel free to borrow it till you can make your own. Or, if you don't like the songs just remember the following things.

It's never too late to save a hopeless case.

Things'll change if you hold on for one more day.

Move along, move along just to make it through.

Everything is gonna be alright, be strong believe.

John Maxim

Fame and Fortune: the pursuit

2008-11-26T01:10:00.004-07:00

So I've had this blog since last January and I haven't done this yet so I hope you'll forgive me. I promise this blog will not turn into a "John is so cool and amazing" type of blog dedicated to all things cool about me (even though it kind of already is).

I met my friend Cameron Daley while serving in England on a mission for my church. Our first meeting went something like this: I was not serving with Elder Daley, but I had heard of him. For a conference my compainion and I had to sleep over at he and his companions flat (thats british for apartment) When Cameron came home he saw me sitting on his couch reading a movie magazine. He looked at me and said "Were did you get that?" I said, "Uh Tesco's." The look on his face made me think he was really kind of upset with me. Sure, the "Total Film" mag I was reading was what some might term "unapproved" reading, but from what I'd heard Elder Daley wasn't the type to be bothered by that. He took a closer look at my magazine and laughed. He explained that he had an "Empire" magazine upstairs in his room. (Empire and Total Film are competeing magazines and this particular month their covers were almost identical) He thought for a minute that I had gone into his room, gone through his things and then started reading his magazine. The truth was even more unlikely, that even without meeting each other, Cameron and I were pretty much the same person.

If you have known Cameron and I for any length of time we've always "joked" about how we want to be famous. In fact, the line I still use is "In seven years you're going to need a VIP pass just to see me." We came up with that line on our missions later, when we eventually served together, which is another funny story that I wont go into here. Unfortunately, as you know, you do not currently, in fact, need any sort of special permission and/or paperwork to see either of us.

Cameron and I both knew that we wanted to be famous and we felt the best way to achieve our goal was to be extremely entertaining. This started with us using scripted dialogue on group dates. Then shortly after I returned home from my mission we made our first Short film in a week. It was called "Wonka Willow Wankers" and to the limited audience who saw it, it was, I'm sure a life changing experience.

It was this taste of fame that made us want it even more. We decided to make a full length movie titled Out of the Blue: Based on Actual Events. This film was loosely based on me and Cam's dating exploits. A lot of people thought that we only made this movie to make out with cute girls. Though that was a nice side effect, even the best make-out doesn't compare to sitting in the balcony of a sold out theater watching and listening to a couple hundred people laugh at something you made.

In the meantime we paid $4000 to Century 16 movie theatre in Salt Lake so we could put up an advertisement on the big screen (pictured throughout this post) prior to movies. There were three adverts which ran for the entire year 2000.
After a couple more shorts films, some script ideas, and a few casting sessions which never came to fruition we decided to change our focus. We moved on to drawing a comic strip called "Out of the Blue". This comic ran in several college newspapers all across the country for free. We didn't want money. (but we wouldn't turn it down) We started hearing people talking about our comic on campus. We received emails about our comic and we even had a few people write letters to campus newspapers trashing on our comics. It was awesome.
When we didn't get offered millions of dollars to be in syndication next to "Marvin" and the "Family Circus", we again changed directions. A new radio station had just kicked off and they didn't have a morning show... it was just a regular DJ. So one day we went to the station, uninvited, and told the receptionist that we were their new DJ's for a morning show and that we were starting monday. It didn't work, and the radio station finally got a morning show... and they suck.

Cameron stumbled across a lame "movie review" show on the cable government access channel 17 in Weber County. It was pitiful. Cameron forced me to watch a few episodes and we just shook our heads in thinking "How are these two imbeciles on TV talking about movies and we aren't?" We knew we could do better. We called the owner of the station. We told him we wanted our own show. He wouldn't let us do a movie review show since he already had one (bummer ) so we pitched him a show called Odd Jobs, starring us. He was hesitant, but told us to film a few episodes and give them to him... so we did. He loved it. He loved it a lot. We couldn't get episodes to him fast enough. Literally. He wanted a new episode every week, but it took us at least a month to film and edit each episode. For that reason, Odd Jobs eventually died.
Now on to the point of this post. Recently Cameron and I discovered that the movie review show that we coveted is no longer on the air. We immediately called Channel 17 and secured our spot as the new movie reviewers. One of the conditions of doing our movie review show was... get this... the owner wants us to film at least 4 episodes of Odd Jobs a year. That's how much he loves that show.

So, Cam and I are in the process of getting our movie review show, The Cinematic Experience, on TV. The process is tedious, but in the meantime, I was hoping that YOU, my blog readers would do me a solid*. The Cinematic Experience is currently on You Tube and we're uploading new reviews every week. Would you be so kind as to log on and watch some of them. The more hits we get and the more subscriptions we get to our channel the higher it will show up on the search engine! If that Cambodian guy who sings for Journey now can be discovered, so can we.
We try to keep our reviews under 5 minutes. We are also extremely interested in any type of feedback you may have. We've received some good and some bad and I can assure you that ALL OF IT is extremely helpful. We've already started incorporating some suggestions we've received into the show. We have a facebook group you should join if you're not a member already. (search for "cinematic experience" in "groups" to find it and join.) And we are currently in talks with comcast about getting our reviews OnDemand. The only reason we do this stuff is because you guys think we're funny. You laughter is appreciated.

John Maxim

*solid = Pop Culture lingo meaning "big favor".

Perilous Party Planning

2008-11-20T19:05:00.003-07:00

John Maxim's birthday is this week. To celebrate he & his friend Kate are planning a bonfire for this weekend, the big kind where you burn furniture and stuff. Due to housing development over the years the old location that John used to go for this activity now had a few stucco ramblers sitting on it.

John Called his friend the fireman to find out where a good location would be to have his celebratory fire. He said, "Go somewhere in the west desert out past Toole. You got any hick Toole friends? They would probably know of a good spot."

John's friend Beau is from Toole, he wasn't a hick, but John decided to try him anyway, so he texted him.

JOHN: Hey, you're from Toole right?
BEAU: Yeah, Why?
JOHN: I'm looking for somewhere to have a huge bonfire. My fireman buddy told me to find someone from Toole, that they would know somewhere in the west desert where I could do it... do you fit this stereotype, and know of somewhere?
BEAU: I don't know what it says about me, but I know a few spots. When are you planning on it?
JOHN: Awesome! Next weekend. It's my Bday. Got a couple couches to burn, need a secluded spot.
BEAU: What's your email I'll send you a google map shot.

John checked his email moments later.
Beau noted in the email: Notice the rock formation next to the spot. It keeps the fire from being visible from I-80.

John told Kate of the location and the invitations went out. On tuesday John was looking at the directions, and he noticed that they were pretty vague. He decided to drive out there and make sure people wouldn't get lost.

It didn't take long to drive out there, about 35 minutes, but he was glad he did. He saw easily that he could have gotten lost on the drive if he would have made it in the dark for the first time. So John took special notes to make the directions more in depth for those who would follow.
The sun went down really fast, and John ended up lost, he missed a turn and headed south without really being aware of it. He tried to double back, but with the narrow dirt roads he was on it made maneuvering difficult. After nearly an hour in the dark John started to think all he could do was park his car and sleep till morning. Luckily his car's GPS, even though it didn't show any roads, let him know which direction he was going. He was able to follow it east till he found a road, which he eventually did.

Scared and alone John called his friend Cameron to calm him. As he pulled up to the road, there sat a pickup facing him. The pickup had a spotlight and shined it right in Johns face for about 5 minutes. John thought, "that must be a cop" explained the situation to Cameron, and concurred. Then the spotlight turned off and the truck began reversing on the road. This was weird, but John took this as his queue to turn onto the road. Maybe it was just a pickup with a spotlight, a farmer or a rancher? If it was a cop wouldn't it have hit it's lights by now? As John started down the road the truck continued to reverse, matching Johns speed.

John explained over the phone to Cameron how another car was coming up behind him. He couldn't believe it, the truck was driving 35 miles an hour in reverse! Once the car to the rear of him got close John decided enough was enough and sped past the truck. Thats when the car that was coming up behind him flipped on its overhead lights. The truck that had been masterfully reversing did the same and turned around. Then they were joined by a 3rd police car.

John pulled over and thought to himself "If this is what happens just from driving around at night then there's no way we can do the bonfire here." Cameron asked him to put the phone on the seat so that he could hear the experience. A siren went of loudly for a split second, so John rolled his window down.

Over an intercom a female VOICE said: driver put your hands outside of the window.

John complied.

VOICE: Driver if there is a passenger with you please stick your thumbs up.
John didn't know what to do there was no passenger, so he just left his hands there.

VOICE: Driver stick your thumbs up if there is a passenger in your car.

John thought for a second and then slowly put both of his thumbs down.

VOICE: Driver exit the vehicle slowly with your hands up.

John complied. and he started to think about what he was going to say when they asked him what he was doing out here at 10 at night in the middle of nowhere. He concocted a good little yarn he hoped would do the trick.

VOICE: Driver walk around to the back of your vehicle and face the trunk.

VOICE: Now walk backwards towards my vehicle.

VOICE: Kneel down. Interlace your fingers behind your head and remain kneeling.

John can hear someone exit the car to the side of him. It was a male officer.

COP: (yelling) Is there a passenger in your car.
JOHN: No.
COP: (yelling louder) Is there another person in your car
JOHN: No.

The man comes up behind John and grabs one of his arms.

JOHN: Am I under arrest?

The man handcuffs John and then steps firmly on the bottom of his foot making certian he is as immoble as possible, and ignores his question.

COP: I am going to ask you one more time, is there a passenger in your car.
JOHN: No.
COP: What about a gun. Got a gun on you or in your car.
JOHN: No.

At this point John decided that when they asked him what he was doing out here that he would just tell the truth. The female cop walks up and asks John if she can search his car. John said yes and notices that she is hot! Not hot-for-a-chick-cop hot, but hot no-matter-what-she-is hot. She searched his car while the other officer grabbs his wallet and starts interrogating him.

COP: What are you doing out here this time of night?
JOHN: This girl sent me an invitation to a campfire and the directions were all crazy and didn't make any sense, so I decided to drive out here and see if I could find the spot she described... I couldn't find anything - got lost and feared I'd have to sleep in my car till morning to find my way home. I was just trying to be prepared you know.
CHICK COP: Can I search your trunk.
JOHN: Sure, yes.

John was glad the hot sherrif was searching his car right infront of him. It was the only silver lining he could think of during the situation. Especially since he knew better than anybody that the fact that he didn't do it had never helped him when he was in handcuffs before. The cop standing on his foot reads his information to dispatch. The female cop finishes searching his car and then walks around in the grass shining her light on the ground as if to look for the supposed gun John had thrown out his window.

JOHN: Who was driving in reverse 35 miles an hour?
COP: That was me, and it was 40.

John wondered how he knew this, because he didn't think speedometers worked in reverse, but didn't bother questioning the guy since he only started this line of questioning to lighten things up.

JOHN: That was pretty impressive, but I couldn't tell if you were a murderer or a policeman.
COP: I had to wait for back up, and you were playing along...

John notices his knees are starting to hurt from kneeling on the asphault.

JOHN: Um, can I kneel back and rest on my heels?
COP: Hold on.

John hears dispatch repeat his license number, name, and address.

COP: You can stand up.

John stands and the lady cop walks towards him as the other Cop undoes his handcuffs.

CHICK COP: We had a domestic assult with a gun. Witnesses reported that the suspect drove off with a passenger in this direction in a white Ford Taurus. Someone could have mistaken your car for a Taurus. We are sorry for the inconvienence.
JOHN: No problem, you guys are just doing your jobs.
John wished he had said something like "does this mean I don't get to ride back to the station with you." but he was too much of a coward and knew it of course wouldn't result in anything but some laughter.As John walked towards his car they asked him one more question.

COP: So what about this party, whats going on?
JOHN: Oh, it's in like 3 weeks and its just a campfire with some friends.
COP: Oh that sounds fun, just be safe.

John grinned as he walked back to his car... that almosted sounded like permission.

Johnny Metropolis

Self Diagnosis

2008-11-18T07:56:00.001-07:00

Many of you have seen me limping around or sporting a pair of very stylish crutches. When asked what happened I have thus far responded with two answers depending on the time I feel I have to respond.

Answer 1: Oh nothing, I just use these crutches/walk-with -this limp so that girls will notice me.

Answer 2: There was this orphaned baby in the middle of the street and in order to save it from a speeding Volvo driven by a hooligan youth I ran and kicked the baby across the street out of harms way! Thus injuring my foot.

The real answer is so lame I am embarrassed to even be injured. I was playing football (not soccer) and as I charged the quarterback he broke left, I attempted to give chase, but when I started to turn a sharp excruciating pain affected the bottom left side of my left foot. So strong was the pain, that I collapsed to the ground with out being touched by anyone and then limped home. I have been limping ever since.

I don't have health insurance, however it was clear within the first few hours that this was not the type of injury which I could just "walk off." I was not going to go see the doctor. Two years ago I broke my ankle. I went to the doctor, they took an X-ray, told me it was broken, gave me a walking cast a pair of crutches and told me to stay off of it "till it doesn't hurt anymore." Then they sent me a bill for $1800!

As I lay on my couch nearly in tears I decided I would take an ibuprofen and follow the same advice for this injury. Crutches cost $40 at Wal-mart, and it wasn't my ankle so I didn't need an ankle brace. It was my foot, so I wrapped it in an ace bandage and called it good.

A week later The pain had not gone down much and I started to think perhaps something drastic was amiss. So I did what any other prudent uninsured American would do, I consulted Google.

I soon found out about people all over who had suffered almost identical symptoms as I was experiencing. I learned about the Peronius Brevis Tendon. It is located where that yellow arrow is pointing on this diagram. Whoever created us really wasn't thinking about where they put this tendon on our body. Or at least they really weren't thinking that we humans were ever going to be wearing shoes or running on cement. Here is what can often happen because of it's location in our foot.

A lot of athletic cleats have soles which are smaller than the soles of our feet. This is especially true for those of us with extra wide feet... like me. As pictured here you can see what I am talking about.

While running and turning left all of my bodies weight (approx 200 lbs) was resting on this tendon... well it tore, or was severely strained. The treatment for such an injury is to stay off of it for a couple months, and keep it wrapped tightly - get this - "until it doesn't hurt anymore."

Another week went by and the pain was still pretty strong. I'll admit that even though I felt pretty confident in my diagnosis, I started to be concerned, thinking that perhaps I had gotten it wrong and that there was something worse going on, or something that I was making worse by not having some doctor suggested treatment I couldn't find via Google. I knew however that I definately didn't want to go to the doctor and pay them a couple of G's to tell me what I probably already knew.

A friend of mine had mentioned to me how there are free clinics all over the place... with all the hullabaloo about universal health care I thought this was a fallacy! I was surprised to discover that the rumor is completely true. I discovered the 4th Street Clinic. It's website advertises free health care for homeless individuals. I called the clinic and found out that they help everyone for free, homeless or not. They also gave me the number of several other free health clinics around the state. I ended up going to a clinic in Park City which sees people on Tuesdays and Thursdays for free.

The Doctor who saw me, Doctor J. Staples, works at a regular health care location, but volunteers one Tuesday a month to come to the free clinic. He looked at my foot, and before long gave me some familiar sounding advice. I was exactly right in my self diagnoses, including my determination of treatment. He told me to stay off it for a couple months and keep it wrapped! I donated $100 to the clinic for the trouble and crutched my way out to my car with a grin!

"Lot's of people go to college for 7 years!."
"Yeah, their called Doctors."

Hmph, Doctors.

John Maxim

up or down?

2008-11-14T08:29:00.002-07:00

So I go to dinner with my friend Scott. He is a male cheerleader, weird I know. Anyway, I am always telling him that he should get his cheer girls to come hang out with us, which I know is a stretch because they are between the ages of 18-22 and why would they want to hang with a geezer right?

Anyway Scott finally delivers and we go get something to eat with these girls. I try not to be "ageist" but the experience I had needs to be shared. Meet Ann, she is a cheerleader at Salt Lake Community College, she is almost 21 years old. She seemed to think I was pretty funny, and I thought, I might have a chance with this chick, sure, when she was getting baptised I was graduating High School, but really whats the difference between 20 and 30? Ann had a friend who was cuter and seemed a little more mature for her age, so I wasn't really eager to go after her initially, she was just paying me more attention. I found out it wasn't cause she was into me.

Ann begins telling me about her Mom, her name is Nicole. Nicole is 39, she had Ann when she was 19, she has since been divorced and is always on the lookout for eligible bachelors. I mention of course to Ann that I am the most eligible bachelor I know. Ann tells me she wants to set me up with her Mom! I could have been offended, but Ann is 20, that's really young, and she has a boyfriend, and we know what relationships are like when you're 20. When I was 21 I dated a 27 year old, and that was awesome, and I have never been out with someone older than 33, so 39 would be new, however I doubt any different. I thought about it and was amazed at the similar rationale... sure, when I was getting baptised she was graduating high school, but really whats the difference between 30 and 40?

30 dating 20 - not weird. 39 dating 30 - not weird. The fact that 39 and 20 are Mom and Daughter... well that would only be weird if I dated both of them, right? ...and that would have nothing to do with age.

John Maxim

Honest Answer

2008-11-11T20:19:00.001-07:00

Traversing the world of dating for a second time really sucks. I still have a lot to learn and will undoubtedly be given lessons this harsh in the futrue. I'm starting to think I'm not very good at it. I am going to post an actual text conversation that I had. I will leave the pre-convo and post-convo circumstances to you, the readers, imaginations.

GIRL at 11:00 AM:
Hey... so... i didn't want to bring this up and make things awkward, but... i can't really tell if you are interested in me or not, which leads me to think you aren't, but i kinda would like to know. I would be interested. But if not, i don't see why you would mind me going out with Roger. Not that he asked, I am just wondering.

GIRL at 2:29 PM:
No thoughts on that huh?

JOHN at 2:57 PM:
I should be and infact I want to be interested, but I'm not. I'm still too messed up from my divorce & emotionally unavailable. I still want to be friends though & hope this doesn't make it awkward. I'm sorry on the Roger thing, I didn't mean to communicate not to go out with him, I was just warning you about who he is. You're a big girl though, you can take care of yourself. I want things to be cool with us & hope they are. Thanks.

GIRL at 2:58 PM:
This is why i told you weeks ago that i didn't want to make out with you, to avoid this situation. Yes it is awkward. No we cannot still be friends.

JOHN at 3:00 PM:
I'm really sorry to hear that. I think you're being unfair. I hope you will reconsider.

First Date Questions

2008-11-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

I will often ask some of the same questions on a first date to try and determine if the lady I am with is qualified to be in my company. It's amazing how most all of them are. They always ask me the same questions back, so I have jotted down my pat answers to uh, a few of my pat questions:

Do you like soccer?
JOHN: I love soccer. A lot. I didn’t start playing till I was 24, and the only regret I have in life is that I didn’t start playing earlier. When I was in High school, I played Baseball, and thought soccer was gay. Then when I was 24 I only started playing to try and impress a girl… the girl thing didn’t pan out, but I found soccer. We were made for each other. If soccer was a chick, I’d marry her.

Do you have any pets?
JOHN: Yep, two dogs. My Dogo Argentino (that’s is a breed) is named Vodka and he is 7, and my Border collie/rat terrier mix is is named Movie and he is 7 also, I baby them pretty badly, but instead of talking baby talk, I usually pick them up a cheeseburger anytime I get fast food.

Which character do you think is sexier? Indiana Jones or James Bond.

JOHN: I think Indiana is a little sexier. Both are sexy, but when I compare the sweaty, hairy chest, getting dirty, sun baked skin, and whip versus the slick, tuxedo clad, PPK wielding, champagne connoisseur. I like my men a little more manly and not so emotionally calloused as Mr. Bond.

Which do you like better, if at all? The Simpson’s, Family Guy, South Park
JOHN: I love the Simpson’s. I think the Family guy is okay. I didn’t used to like Southpark much, but recently I have been watching it and finding it very funny so I am changing my mind.

What's your favorite season, and why?
JOHN: I love summer. I can have more fun, walks, picnics, skateboarding, yard work, beach, hiking, biking. All kinds of really fun things that I can do in the summer. Give me a beautiful sunny day where I can wear shorts and it’s pretty hard for me to have a bad day.

What is something embarrassing that has happened to you?
JOHN: I was on a date when I was 18. It was a group date, and I crapped my pants. Really crapped them, not like - I thought I was farting and a little turd popped out, I crapped my pants, and they all knew it. Since then I don’t get embarrassed. Bad as it sounds, it is a pretty funny story, but it's better told with hand gestures than typed.

Do you prefer hot dogs or hamburgers?
JOHN: I love hot dogs, but only under certain conditions. I have to have either sauerkraut or Dill relish, not hotdog relish or sweet relish. I also love tomato’s on my wiener. If I don’t have those, then I would rather take a burger any day, but usually when presented with the choice I eat both if I can.

What female celebrity (or male, if that's what you're into) do you find most attractive, and why?
JOHN: My top three female actresses are Jessica Alba, Kristen Bell, and Kate Beckinsale. I don’t know why exactly, but I catch my mouth open more often when they are on screen then others.

In the freezing cold do you start your car & run back in the house till it’s warm, or do you just jump in and go, shivering till it warms up?

JOHN: I freeze the arse. I am never prepared enough to warm up the car.

What is a question I would never ask you? and what is the answer?

JOHN: You would never ask me: "Describe the sensation one feels when they put toothpaste on their nipples?" However, if you did, I would furrow my brow thinking of the experience and then go on to regale you with a description of pain, awful burning pain. The kind you feel for a couple of days. I do not recommend it.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T23:59:00.000-06:00

I went to a total of 6 parties in three counties over the week preceeding halloween as Michael Phelps ! It was nothing less than liberating. The protrayal of such a revered figure bares some serious responsibility.You may think there is a prostetic stomach involved in the costume, but thats just because you are used to seeing me with my clothes on and I buy slim fit tees. It was such a convincing costume, that people were walking up to me saying, "Hey Michael have you seen John Maxim anywhere?"
Imodest? I don't see how dressing up like Michael Phelps, An American Icon, can be construed as imodest. Can it?

Red Handed

2008-10-23T11:17:00.005-06:00

Below is an email that Cameron and I got for our Movie Review show. For those of you who don't know, Cameron and I got a show which will start airing on cable access channel 6 next week. We have put up each review individually on youtube. It pleases me to no end that we were actually noticed by the Associated Press, automated or not. (the reviews are edited by Jon Madsen, and the logo was designed by Lara Durham)

Dear CinematicExperience,

Your video "Eagle Eye (2008) The Cinematic Experience Review" has been identified by YouTube's Content Identification program as containing copyrighted content which Associated Press (AP) claims is theirs.
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Manna from heaven

2008-10-17T10:19:00.004-06:00

It was Saturday night. John Maxim had season tickets to the Real Salt Lake game. He originally had a date, but decided that he really didn't want to go out with her so he cancelled, and wondered who he was going to give his extra ticket to.

His roommates were all already going to the game too. He decided to take his friend Ben. The game was fun, as per usual, and being there with another dude wasn't at all like the time he went and saw the chick flick "Return To Me" with just his friend Cameron one Saturday night. The game ended and Real Salt Lake lost... again. It was Ben's first pro soccer game and John always felt a little dumb when he took his friends to games when they lose.

As they were leaving the game, John realized it was really only 9:30. And as they say, the night was young. While they started the trek through the stadium towards where they had parked. They had to walk single file and conversation wasn't ideal. Johns mind wandered thinking about what the rest of the night might have to offer.

Once out of the stadium, Ben says, "Did you see those two hot girls?" John said "No, where?" Ben pointed ahead of them to two figures about 30 yards away. They did indeed looked hot from there. John wasn't sure about Ben's taste, and since they happened to be heading the same direction picked up the pace to insure the females weren't in the "good from far but far from good" category.

There was still crowd going their direction and the girls were a little mixed up as to where they were exactly so John and Ben gained on them a little bit faster then they were intending. They ended up right behind them. Ben was right, they were very attractive (smoking hot)... these were the kind of girls John tried to go out with, even though he wasn't good looking enough for them.

John and Ben didn't say much, and neither did the two hottys. It seemed that both parties were aware of each other, but didn't really want to let on. John tried to force a conversation with Ben about fantasy football, but he and Ben really just kept looking at they're attractive backsides and walking.

It occurred to John that if he or Ben were to say something it might seem a bit creepy. They might think they were following them. Afterall what are two girls alone in the dark likely to think. Neither John or Ben made any attempt to strike up a conversation, and really weren't saying much to each other either.

They had been walking for a whole block and came up to a cross walk. It was one of those crosswalks where all of the lights went green at once. There was still a bit of a crowd, and when the light went green people walked in all directions. Without trying, John and Ben found themselves ahead of the two hotty's, still heading the same direction.

They walked another whole block, just the four of them. John thought to himself, "Ben is much better looking then me, by at least two points, he'll say something." Well, he didn't. Then John thought, "Perhaps Ben thinks that because I am so funny that I should say something... but what would I say?"

There was another cross walk coming up, were one stategizing a plan of attack, it would be the best time to initiate something. Some lines were running through John's head, like, turning and looking a couple of times kind of nervously and then saying "Um... are you guys following us? What do you want?" Or he thought he could just say, "So, what did your boyfriends do, that you left them at home and came to the game by yourselves?" A few other s popped into his head... but he didn't say anything. He just stood at the corner and stared across the street.

Once John realized he wasn't going to say anything like a big fat coward. He kept hoping Ben would say something. He didn't. After practically walking these girls to their car with out saying a word John and Ben get into Johns car. The girls walk on to their car which was parked just 30 feet away.

"I can't believe we didn't say anything" exclaimed John. "Well I said something at those sprinklers but they didn't respond." replied Ben. "You did? Are you sure they heard you? What did you say? I didn't hear you and I was standing right next to you." John asked. "No, I did, maybe they didn't hear me."

John and Ben hung their heads as the realization of what had just occurred sunk into to their thick cowardly skulls. What do two single guys hope for when they are out? They hope that they will meet two good looking girls. This is exactly what any guy could ever hope for. Two girls - Two really hot girls, alone at a soccer game on a Saturday night. Who happened to leave the stadium at the exact same time as them, and happened to park not 30 feet from where they parked. They were walking the same way for four full blocks and with all of Ben's looks, and all of Johns whit they couldn't even muster a "Hello."

The two men went home and watched TV like a couple of losers, once every 15 minutes or so one of them would lament their poor performance. It was too perfect a set up, it's as if some higher power were handing these two nubile beauty's to them and they just decided to reject the gift. When the Israelites rejected the manna given them the "Lord smote them with a great plague..." One wonders what a great plague is in terms of relationships? I guess John and Ben are going to find out.

Johnny Metropolis

The Blog Post

2008-10-13T22:23:00.005-06:00

I have been getting a lot of you who have been asking me why I am not posting to my blog... So I decided today I would update it. I had planned a clever little entry about what one does when they have missed blogging. I even went to the lengths to look up a bunch of my peers blogs and see what they did after missing a big chunk of time blogging... then I wrote a paragraph or two and I got done and thought. This totally sucks. There is not one bit of redeeming value in this blog post. It's not funny, informative, or interesting. I deleted it and stared at the wall for a while thinking to myself "what could I write..."

After a while I decided I didn't have anything that fit the previously mentioned adjectives. So I figured I'd just write and see what happens. So far the post still sucks and I am thinking that maybe today wasn't the best time to post...

So whats been going on in my life? What could possibly have been monopolizing my time so that blogging was being neglected?

The Bad: A girl I had a crush on is all but engaged to someone else. I haven't made any money for nearly six months. I ran my car into an inanimate object. Some of my oldest closest friends have told me they no longer trust me. My dog is going blind. I can't seem to meet a girl who interests me. My roof needs to be replaced. and I have been working nearly 80 hours a week - still not making any money.

The Good: I went to Lake Powell and stayed on a houseboat last month for the first time ever. My friend Cameron and I got a movie review show on Comcast channel 6! I am in the best shape of my life. My soccer team has a winning record. I've been living off of fresh grown vegetables out of my own garden. I broke the 200 friends mark on Facebook which are all actual friends - not just acquaintances. My parents love me and let me know it. I like all my roommates.

The Middle: I found out that even though my brother is taller than me by two whole inches, that my arms are longer than his, so either I'm an ape or he's like T-Rex. I finished all three seasons of Battlestar Galactica.

So for some reason all of that junk has made it difficult for me to make blog posts... I will try to do better in the future. I left the links to others blog posts after they had missed a while that were in my original blog post below and the words that I was using to describe them for your bemusement.

Textersation

2008-09-12T19:53:00.005-06:00

JOHN

GIRL

What are the chances we get

to hang?

I will Have to say since it took

you so long to respond to me

I will just have to see.

You're lucky you're as pretty as

you are so you can play games

like that. I'll just cross my

fingers.

Good idea mr nice words guy...

Keep em crossed tightly!

They're turning blue already,

hopefully I have some fingers

when it happens. Unless

you're too cool.

I just decided that may be one

of the lamest things I have

heard in a long while John. Did

you make it up?

I'm confused are you

confusing me with another

guy you have a huge crush on

or what?

No. I am talking about the too

cool thing being really lame.

Maybe you are mixing me up

with some other chick. One

thats at least an 8 or 9.

I could only mix you up with

another 9...

A 9? Wow...

I love the humility.

Oh john... Be safe driving.

Keep working on our ten year

plan...

10!!? I thought we talked about

2?...

Two years? O yes, I forgot

that small detail there. So July

2010?

So, what exactly is happening

then??? Are we getting married?

Or are we just doing like they

do on the Discovery channel?

Dude! What do they do on the

discovery channel... ?? You had

a full plan going last night.

Just keep with that. The end

result is tbd.??

FIVE DAYS LATER

How was labor day? Hook up

with any mediocre looking

idiots?

Lol! That's so me to do that...

They really weren't that bad...

but no hook ups...

Okay, only one of thems an

idiot. Too bad on the hook up,

I wanted to see if I'd get

insanely jealous...

Ha ha. You may have other

for jealousy though... No details

at this time! I am sure you are

being the ladies man as usual.

Let me know the details when

they become available, I'm not

a jealous guy, so I don't know

if I would get jealous. If I do,

then it's a big deal. I'd be

excited to find out.

You got it! Maybe you wouldn't

be. I don't know! It does

involve dating though so you

may find it interesting and

you might even be proud of me!

How does our bet work if you

get married by December?

Well we never stated exact

terms for that. I still believe

you are well on your way... It

is not an option for me but you

are another story!

I think the fact that it took me

a year and 1/2 to make a move

on you, considering my HUGE

crush, is evidence that my

movement towards commitment

is not going to be speedy.

Good point. Well I guess we

will just have to wait and see

what happens john :)

LATER THAT NIGHT

Our textersation this morning

was pretty stellar, mind if I

post it on my blog?

Lol! Go for it!

TWO DAYS LATER

So did you blog our convo? I

need to read it!...

Not yet, but I will, it's way past

your bedtime isn't it?

It's only 950 seriously! I know

you think I am a grandma...

but tomorrow is friday!

Are you in bed? In your jammies?

Thinking about me?

Oh JM you never cease to
kill me!

I would be extremely,

EXTREMELY flattered were

that the case, the jammies

thing I mean.

Well,.. If you think me wearing

shorts and a t-shirt to bed is

that great then... I am kidding

Have fun blogging

Thanks for the mental image,

that'll be a gem to fall asleep

to.

Nothing

2008-09-07T00:38:00.001-06:00

couple more captions

2008-09-02T12:58:00.002-06:00

Mmmm... Chips!

They starred at that spot on the floor for three hours! Still, none of them know why?

On Friday John accidentally forgot to put in his contacts. Everything was going okay and he thought, "This is nice, I can see well enough." Then he drove home at dusk, and realized how bad his vision really was. It was a white-knuckle drive from hell. He survived.

Man, that chick with the St. Louis Cardinals cap on is UGLY!

SINGING KARAOKE

"I don't want anybody else, and when I think about you I wet myself, whoa-oh-oh..."

Caption

2008-08-28T17:56:00.007-06:00

GIRL WITH GLASSES

Hey, look we are all wearing shorts lets take a picture together!

OTHER GIRL WITH GLASSES

I agree, wow what a coincidence.

GIRL WITHOUT GLASSES

If only I would have worn glasses...

NON-GIRL

Okay fine, but only if I get to sit between two girls.

After shelling out $300 dollars in tickets due wholly to the 36.1% (dark) tint on his front windshield and windows John was finally able to get his car registered yesterday. The excitement on his face in this photo says everything.

JOHN

Sit Vodka, sit! Good Dog.

VODKA

I'll do anything, anything you want. Just give me that marshmallow.

Ba by-sit: transitive verb -to pacify multiple children with the cartoon network, while feeding all of them as many Otter Pops as they can eat.

CAMERON

How about Johnny Depp?

JOHN

Johnny Depp was in "Whats eating Gilbert Grape" with Leonardo Dicapprio who was in "Titanic" with Kate Winslet who was in "Sense and Sensibility" with Hugh Grant who was in "Bridget Jones Diary" with Renee Zellweger who was in "Jerry MacGuire" with Tom Cruise who was in "A Few Good Men" with Kevin Bacon.
CAMERON

Five movies? Cutting it pretty close.

JOHN

Can you think of a better way?

She

2008-08-21T09:01:00.003-06:00

He arrived at her house three minutes late, took a whiff of his shirt to make sure his cologne wasn't too strong, and that he had remembered to apply it. He had.

She answered the front door, and was wearing a dress! He wasn't prepared for that and froze for a second. She looked beautiful, and he instantly became aware of how much better looking she was than he. He had planned to give her a hug at the door, but nervousness caught him off guard and instead he said something depreciating about himself and complementary about her as he started walking towards his car. He opened her car door and while walking around the front of the car gathered his wits and repeated in his mind the phrase, "You're the prize." a couple of times.

The drive was a little long but the conversation flowed easily. She was laughing quite a bit and he felt like he was in top form. He kept trying to look at her and catch a glimpse of her because he remembered how adorable her laugh made her look. Unfortunately, her seat was too far back, thanks to his stupid brother who always slid the seat back all the way in his car. Usually he would move the seat up before a date so when he did look to the side it made for a comfortable gaze, and possibly some prolonged eye contact. Blast! He wished he hadn't forgotten tonight.

She opened her own door when they arrived. She was a great conversationalist. This was something he had a hard time finding, a girl who was beautiful and full of personality. As they walked to the theatre he noticed how graceful she was. He really thought she was classy, he wanted to remember to use the word "classy" in a compliment later when the time was right. He knew he was not classy and thought there was a high probability she thought he was a goof and was just there for the free activity and meal.

They passed a group of guys on the sidewalk, and all of their eyes were fixed firmly on her. He saw one of them smile, and wondered if she had smiled back. He relayed the experience to her (minus the smile part) and she mentioned how she liked that sort of thing. She liked being "the prize." He found that extremely attractive, it's hard to find a confident woman in today's world. He sought out to determine if she was more than confident, cocky, or arrogant... he was looking for a reason to dislike her because he worried that she would dislike him.

The old wooden seats in the theatre really put them close together. He tried to concentrate on the play, but it was a musical, and half the time he didn't know what they were saying. It also became impossible for him to focus because her knee would bump into his every so often. Sometimes, it would linger almost as if she didn't notice, and other times she would quickly pull away as though she felt she had overstepped her bounds. Was this a green light?

For the entire second act all he could think about was what her reaction might be if he tried to hold her hand. He wondered if he was too old to be even bothering with the hand hold. He concluded that he certainly was too old to be this concerned about it. He looked over at her. The dim lighting caught her jaw line. The thought "crap she is way too hot for me!" popped into his head. She noticed his stare, and turned to meet it. It seemed like longer than a second, but it wasn't. He consciously decided he wasn't going to look away - not like a staring contest or anything, he just didn't want her to know how nervous he was of her. He smiled, she smiled back and then she turned her attention back to the show, a little smile cracked across her face as though maybe she was a little embarrassed. He freaked a little thinking he'd been staring to long, and that his little confidence-boosting look may have come off creepy. He got scared and decided not to reach for her hand after all.

What was it about her that made this date so different from the rest? She was beautiful, that wasn't it though, plenty of the others were as stunning. She was funny, but not as funny as some. She was interesting and smart. He didn't think she was dumb, which happens more often then not. He couldn't put his finger on it, but the more he thought about it the more excited he got.

After the show they walked to a nearby restaurant for dinner. He noticed she'd been asking all the questions, really going out of her way to get to know him. He had to make a conserted effort to turn that around but noted the difference. Most women, especially attractive ones, are only interested in themselves. During dinner she told him that he made her laugh. He was used to that compliment, but it sure felt good after a night of feeling inferior.

The drive home was terrific, and he found himself driving the speed limit just to prolong the moment. As he pulled up to her house he got really nervous. He had scared himself out of making a lot of his usual moves. Like the hand hold, the hand on the small of the back while walking, and stuff like that. If he tried something now he wondered if it would be uncalled for. He thought to himself "Do I have to kiss her." He responded to himself, "No, but I really really want to." She hadn't really given him a ton of green lights either, but usually the guy has to lead and tonight he did a horrible job.

She was saying something as they walked to her door and he didn't hear a word she said. His mind was filled with what might happen in the following moments. He hugged her she asked "Do you want to come in?" A commonly regarded maxim is "if she invites you in, you are going to score." He obliged and entered her house.

She gave him a little tour of her place. They didn't sit down or anything they just talked for a while. All he could think about was kissing her. He paid very special attention to what his eyes were doing. He thought about just grabbing her and doing it. He was too scared! What was the problem? Normally he would have no issue with this scenario. Normally he'd be worrying more that they were getting horizontal too quickly!

The whole thing was a blur and as he left he thought, "I have failed, this whole date was a failure!" Then she opened the door to let him out and hugged him. The hug was long. After about 20 seconds (if you don't think thats long hug the person next to you for 20 seconds) he determined that if she pulled out slowly he was going for it. Then after a full 60 seconds of hugging she pulled away quickly and said "Thank you." He said, "No. Thank you." then turned. Before he even started walking, the door shut behind him.

He sat in his car in her driveway for a few minutes bewildered and disappointed. The crushing weight of failure rested firmly on his mind. He wondered if he could even go on a another date after that performance. He kept looking at her door while images of the numerous missed opportunity's flashed through his mind. Why couldn't he have been more confident? Why did he waste so much time analyzing things? Why the long hug then the sudden goodbye? Why did this have to happen on this date?

He didn't get any sleep that night. She has been on his mind ever since.

Johnny Metropolis.

Vampire Shmampire!

2008-08-18T14:17:00.008-06:00

I think it was about a year ago that I first heard about the book "Twilight". I was driving to Manti with two girls in my car. One of them said something to the effect of "You drive really fast." I responded with "Well if you had cat-like speed and reflexes like I do you'd feel comfortable at higher speeds too." One of the girls exclaimed "Oh, you are kind of like Edward." This sparked my interest and a very brief explanation about this book about teenage love and vampires ensued. I don't often hear about books, as you will see in my upcoming blog series "The four books that changed Johns life". (Whats bad is, that's four out of nine books over my life time, which gives me a 44% "life changing rate" evidence that I should probably read more.) So I only took marginal interest in Twilight and it's characters.

Being single and spending the majority of my time conversing with women. I discovered that this book and subsequent series was a phenomenon. What made it cooler, chick who wrote it was a Mormon. I determined it would be in my best interests to find out enough about this book and it's stories to have intelligent conversations with those who read it. As I discovered things about it the first thing I didn't like is that I was finding myself jealous of the Edward character. In the beginning of my discovery of this book every, seriously EVERY girl I talked to loved Edward. Saying things like he "is the perfect guy." "If only I could find my Edward." "Oh I would do very bad things to Edward if he were real." This infatuation didn't lie only with the desperately single women I knew. It encompassed all women, non-desperate singles and my married sisters and cousins were even taken. I sat one day in my sisters Salon as they (many women) talked for an hour all about how wonderful Edward was. I prodded to find out as much about him as I could. From what I heard this guy, this figment of some BYU coed's imagination does not exist in the real world. If he does I would think he was a savage. As is undoubtedly becoming evident, I began hating the book (still knowing little about it) and the more I discovered the more I disliked it. I found out that the Author just decided to take every cool thing about Vampires and throw it out the window.

What a Vampire from the book twilight might say: Uh yes we suck blood but we don't suck human blood cause we are so good and kind... even though it doesn't taste so good and isn't as nourishing we chase down deer and stuff, I mean a Vampire has to have morals right? Oh and sunlight, that's no problem we just stay out of it because, well because we glow! Glowing is bad, for if we glow then humans would hunt us down and kill us even though every movie they have seen and book they have read doesn't say anything about us glowing... they will still know, and they wont understand our good nature and they will kill us for hunting their deer and loving their teenagers.

Even though I haven't read this book and very ignorantly, and very stubbornly will not read it. I think it sucks. The only joy I glean from it's existence is the look I get on girls faces when I say, "Oh yeah Twilight, I haven't read it but girls are always telling me I remind them of Edward." It's one of those jaw open, while wanting to shake their head but not being able to because of shock sort of looks of disbelief which is usually followed by some hurtful verbal rebuttal as to why I am not even close to that character which they determine to be the perfect man. Clearly they have no knowledge of my superhuman strength, cat-like speed and reflexes, fangs, and the way I order my women around...

My best friend did a very gay thing and read this book despite my warnings about it, and how hard it may be to maintain his sexuality during and after the read. He wrote this review which I think should be read by all. Another friend of mines sister wrote this which I think is important for all to read too. Here is another review about the newest book which shows me there is a glimmer of hope for the opposite sex. Seriously if I said "Baywatch" was a terrific work of art, you ladies would recognize the low brow self indulgent motive behind that.

John Maxim

Shame =

2008-08-04T12:02:00.004-06:00

You must first see this post:

For John Maxim

Due to the number of friends I think I have, my links list can get a little lengthy. So I have instituted a few different categories to break things up and keep those who want to browse my friends blogs lives a little easier. So I made the "Blog pals who don't post often enough to be linked further up on this page!" section. I was hoping that this would nudge some of my friends who don't post often to post a little more. Apparently it has worked a bit, with the above blog and my friend Adam's blog getting more frequent postings.

For future reference my rule for this section is if a blog has 2 or less posts in a month it would drop into that section. If they post 5 or more then I would move them back up. If the posting hangs in the 3-4 range then the blog stays where it is at.

Less Than Jake

2008-07-29T08:39:00.008-06:00

Monday was the "Less Than Jake" concert! Some of you (anybody with a Facebook account who I'm friends with) were invited to "John Maxim Loves Less Than Jake Day!" For those friends who did come along, a day of raging excitement was enjoyed.

The concert was at a new venue, "The Murray Theatre" which was pretty cool, well the set up was cool, the temperature was horrible. Apparently the air conditioner was broken, it was easily 110 degrees in the arena, and the dancing hadn't even started.

Four bands were playing, the first two were notable, I had heard a couple of their songs, and they did a pretty good show, but I was conserving my energy to avoid an incident like I had at the MXPX concert. So I stood near the back middle and did the "two step" during their shows.

Goldfinger came on, and I had managed to push my way into the third row of smashed fans by their second song. They put on a really good show, an outstanding show. Strictly as showmen, I'd dare say Goldfinger was the best band of the night. The lead singer said "I'm 41, and if you're younger than me and aren't rocking as hard as I am I am going to come down there and..." It set a precedence for some pretty hard rocking. Then on the very next song he said, "I'd like to thank the venue for not having a barricade here so that you guys can be right up to the stage and we can have a real punk show. My stage is your stage, come on up!" A flood of about 30 people jumped up on stage!

Once on stage there we were standing around and moshing right there with the band. In this photo you can see the side of my head directly behind the lead singer, you can Identify me because of my sideburn. There we were having a good time singing along and dancing. With about 30 seconds of the song left, I see a bunch of guys doing stage dives into the audience. They would stand on the edge of the stage and then kind of fall forward onto a sea of hands. Some thought went through my head like "what a bunch of pansy's", clearly I wasn't thinking very, er - uh... clearly. I saw a speaker box on the front of the stage that stood about three feet higher. I just ran strait at it, jumped off of it and did a swan dive right into the audience. Perhaps it was the fact that I had run, or jumped as high as I could. Possibly it was the fact that I am a 200 pound 30 year old with a larger than average butt, whatever the reason with the bulk of the hard core fans on the stage there was room to move on the floor. As I floated gracefully through the air, I witnessed a similar thing to what Moses must have seen when God parted the Red Sea for him. The people below me moved out of the way. All except for this one guy, who I'll call "Dude." Dude faithfully attempted to catch me all on his own. The fear on his face was very entertaining! He reached his hands out and moved them side to side to make sure he got me, then he noticed everyone else was gone. He grit his teeth, closed his eyes, turned his head half to the side, and stood his ground. He caught me mid-torso, and my head butted against another guys head behind Dude that was still in the process of moving out of the way. The inertia of my fall was way too much and Dude fell on his back breaking my fall. Dude, the guy whose headed I butted, and I all picked our selves up off the floor and high fived each other, while screaming things like "Rock on!" and "Oh yeah!" and just continued to mosh.

I had no Idea anything was wrong until someone grabbed my arms from behind so I couldn't turn around, and started pulling me out of the crowd, really forcefully against my will. I fought it, and looked back noticing it was one of the very large Tongan bouncers. We got into the lobby and I said "Whats the problem!?" He said, "Yourour bleeding pretty badly brother." My head was a little sore from the headbutt. I reached my hand up to the pain and sure enough it came down into my vision covered in blood. I walked into the bathroom, and thought - I should probably take a picture of this for my blog.

I cleaned up the wound, and it really wasn't that terrible, I thought, but everyone else said that it needed stitch's and that I should go to the emergency room. If I did that I would miss the very band I came to see, I would miss my favorite band of all time who I hadn't seen in 9 years!!! I finished the Goldfinger show in the back, frustrated that I couldn't go out into the mosh pit, because it was a really good crowd and looked like a lot of fun. I was just worried about getting elbowed above the eye again thereby making it worse.

The show got over and I decided there was no way I was going to sit back during "Less Than Jake." So, I ran across the street and bought myself some Krazy Glue. I went back to the concert (for those of you who don't go to concerts there is usually 15-20 minutes between bands) and had some of my friends try to glue my wound closed. Who was the crack team of professionals who undertook this endeavor you ask? My Lawyer, Mike Bringhurst, took lead, and he was assisted by Jane Gardiner, who is an infant ICU nurse. I stood three steps below them in the arena. and looked up, they proceeded to glue the gash. A crowd of people gathered to witness the surgery. All was going well until Jane accidentally glued her finger to my lower eyebrow! She must have been distracted because she was talking about how the glue and blood was mixing into a reddish goo. She quickly ripped her finger back which pulled my ow-ee open more, and took about 23 hairs with it. After a couple more applications and a little more care I had a red lump of glue above my eye. I tapped on it a couple of times and it seemed to be an outstanding seal. Moments later, Less Than Jake took the stage, and the fun really began.

As advertised Less Than Jake put on a great show... if it were possible to measure I'm pretty sure I would have been in the top 3 people having the most fun. My eye was unharmed, though there was one close call. While meandering through the mosh pit one time. I saw an elbow coming strait for my injury... the "slow-mo sensation" kicked in and I was able to turn my head, whilst groaning, just enough to block the elbow with my nose. It hurt pretty bad, and I couldn't see for a few seconds due to all the water in my eyes, however, it was a welcome sensation to the alternative. I only got a tiny bruise on my nose from that.

It was so hot, I never sweat so much in my life. Near the end of the concert I even took my shirt off. I learned that people don't like sweaty body's, because with my shirt off my glistening bod seemed to repel people to within six inch's of me. Instead of shoulder to shoulder like usual. It easily ranks as the "best concert ever" I look forward to seeing them again!

John Maxim

PS - I also look forward to more concerts at the Murray Theatre, if they fix the A/C.

PPS - The day I spent 2 hours swabbing my wound with rubbing alcohol to get all the glue out, and the excruciating pain which ensued is a story for another day.

The Bee

2008-07-23T15:59:00.005-06:00

As evedenced by the comments to my my last post, my spelling isn’t something I ever brag about. I generally embrace my poor spelling, which as of late has been harder to spot seeing as technology has made it diffacult for me to miss spell anything with spell checker and predictive text and stuff like that. My poor spelling has never really gone well with my large vocabulary and even more imppresive vernacular. Usually those who chance to use large uncommon words are thought to be very good spellers. I am not, even though a lot of people think I am.

The “route” versus “root” in my last post could be argued as not being misspelled, as the word “route” is actually a word, a spelled correctly word hence spell checker not catching the error. However, it was not the word I intended, and therefore was misspelled. Seriously, had some one come up to me and asked me “how do you spell root, like the root of a tooth?” I guaruntee I would have goten it right, but just typing it out, and thinking of whole sentences at a time, and often contemplating the entire next paragraph while typing I just never even thought about seeing route in the text. Even when I proof read it three times before sending it to my dentist.

Alas, I would like to blame some popular desease or learning disability, and even though I probabley have a few, there is a pretty good reason why I can’t spell.

When I was in fifth grade, I discovered cheating. I started to spend all of my coginitive energy on detirmining the easyest and best way to cheat on all of my tests and assignments. I really did work hard at it, and so I don’t know if it could be attributed simply to laziness or going the easy way out. The skills I learned in 5th grade stuck with me for the rest of my life, despite a very powerful lesson that should have taught me better.

My fifth grade teacher really liked me. I would score very high on my tests, I was very outgoing, and I think even at the age of 9 I was very charming. I never got caught cheating because I was so clever. Kids were always geting caughtcheating, writing answers between their fingers, puting slips of paper tucked inside their pants, writing on their chest upside down, or wearing shorts and writing on their leg, all of the old stand-by’s required to much movement and work. My method was, I thought, (and still think) geniuos. I would write answers to things in the botom hem of my shirt. When you sit down it is completely natural for the hem to fold up. The half inch bit of cloth could hold parragraphs worth of information. If I wore a white shirt I could even write it in pencil so I could smear it away before it made the wash. My one big fear was my Mom noticeing while doing my laundry. I learned at a young age that my Mom was very smart, and had she seen it she would have known exactley what was going on. I remember being very careful to make sure my shirts weren’t inside out when I put them in the laundry so that my Mom wouldn’t have to handle them anymore than she had to. As far as I was concerned, fifth grade was a breeze.

There came an opportunity for the State Spelling Bee and I was one of two students selected from my grade. We were Mrs. Stroms favorites, Rebekah, the other girl, was really smart. Like she didn’t cheat, and I was still having a hard time competeing with her. We were boyfreind girlfreind in the third grade, but we couldn’t overcome our physical niavity, and the furthest I ever got was holding hands, and giggleing by the tether ball court. So needless to say it didn’t work out. At some point I must have thought, “I don’t know how to spell, I always cheat, when they ask me words what am I going to do.” Instead I thought only about the fact that my Mom was driving, and that we would be picking Rebekah up, and Rebekahs adopted sister, she was a grade older, and I had the hugest crush on her. I’m pretty sure the only thing I thought about for three weeks from the day I found out my Mom was driving, to the moment we arrived at her house the day of the “Bee”, was the hope of seeing even for a brief moment, Jennifer the Chinese beauty. I must have not realized she’d be at school because I distinctively remember my dissapointment when Rebekah got into the car and told me Jennifer was at school… a few minutes after that I started to think about what I had gotten myself into. My whole class was going to be sitting in their classroom listening to this on the radio. I’m sure my Dad and Grandma and lots of people who loved and supported me were going to be listening. I got a little nervous, but my Mom mentioned to my Rebekah and I that we were going to McDonalds afterwards, I was pretty excited for that and forgot all about the spelling bee.

We arrived at this city building, I think. I had no concept of geography or architecture and have no clue where we actually were. They debreifed us and explained all the rules. I was wondering what my first word was going to be. I really hoped it would be ‘business” I remembered how to spell that, it is “busy” with and “I” plus “ness”. I still use that little trick today when I spell the word “business.” Any way, a bunch of kids there, and out of Rebekah and I, I went first. They shuffled me into this room which was dark, and there was a microphone hanging from the ceiling. I bright light shone on me, and there were people everywhere, I’m not sure if I was on a stage or what, it is all very blurry because I was incredibly nervous. A voice came out and said “your word is EDUCATION” then it used that word in a sentance (which I can’t remember.) I thought for a moment, I remember thinking I don’t want to rush through this and say the wrong letter cause you couldn’t change a letter once it came out of your mouth. After thinking for a while, (it seems now like an hour but surely it was only a minute or two) I had it! I ran the spelling through my head one more time, and thought “I am lucky this was my first word cause I know how to spell this one. I opened my mouth and said “Education E – D – J – U – C – A – T – I – O – N education.” I remember smiling a bit, so pleased with my perfect delivery. Then the voice said “That is incorrect.” I went outside and thought, “What did I get wrong?” My Mom had that kind of dissapointed but still loves me and is trying to hide it look on her face, she told me about the “J” and I’m sure I cried at some point, even though I have no memory of crying. I do however remember sitting in a lobby for an hour and a half waiting for smarty farty Rebekah to get out. She made it all the way to the final three, I don’t remember the word she got out on, but I had never heard it, and probably couldn’t spell it today. We still got to go to McDonalds, and I soon forgot how bad the whole experiance was. My classmates mocked me for getting out on my first word for months, but we were all too young to catch the irony that the word happened to be “education.” Besides I was still the tether ball and dodge ball champion in my grade (until Shawn Murray moved to my school, but that’s another story) and everyone loved me for it… kind of like how now athleates are paid millions of dollars and teachers are only paid thousands – and not even that many thousands. Society knows whats up right? So the fact that I can’t spell isn’t really whats important.

I never got caught for cheating, and I am pretty sure my Mom just found out (while reading this post) My shirt hem trick served me well all the way to college, but as the answers got bigger the older I got the practicallity of it’s use became less potent. So I actualley did learn a thing or two in school. I just never learned to spell. So laugh it up, mock away, I am used to it. I have purposley not used spell check while writing this post just so you can further take the mick out of me. Being a public embarassement over the radio didn’t bother me 20 years ago, and your high minded mockery of my spelling doesn’t bother me now either. You can spell, and I bet you never went to the state spelling bee, so, so there.

John Maxim

Dentist Shmentist

2008-07-17T08:17:00.003-06:00

I had a little problem with my dentist and insurance. After making a few phone calls and getting no where I chose to send a written correspondence. It is below:

Hi, I’m sure you remember me, I hadn’t seen a dentist in 7 years and needed $5000 in dental work done, $2500 of which could be covered by my insurance, but my insurance wasn’t going to kick in and pay for major for another month, despite your warnings I chose to wait to get my work done. So I came in on the 6th of June and had a route canal done. I paid for full price for the procedure, and then the plan was to wait for my insurance check to come in and then come in and get the second route canal done.

Guess what? The insurance didn’t pay my claim. Why? Because you are not one of their providers. Let’s go back a bit. I got the number to your office off of my service provider list for a Doctor S… who apparently you took the business over for. When I called in originally I spoke to a woman (whose name I do not know). She asked me who my insurance carrier was when I called, I told her, and she said that you guys used them all the time. So I made an appointment. Within an hour after making my appointment I was reviewing some information and noticed that you, Doctor D, were not the Doctor named on my insurance. It was, as previously mentioned, Doctor S. I called back that same day and mentioned this to the same woman I spoke to initially. I told her that I didn’t want to end up getting work done and then not have my insurance cover it. She assured me that your office dealt with this all the time, and that the Dental Select Gold plan paid out for all of your clients that had it. I spent a few minutes talking to her and she did a terrific job assuring me all would be well. So I kept my appointment.

I came in and we found out that the insurance wouldn’t pay on “major work” until June 1st. So I came back in on June 6th and you preformed my route canal. After the work was done the matter of payment came up. Upon conferring with Sensi (spelling?) I chose to pay for the procedure upfront to receive a small discount and then wait for my insurance check. I paid with my debit card, and, at the time, due to your office move your card reader was malfunctioning for some reason. So Sensi took down my payment information. I assumed that the payment would be taken out shortly… I assumed wrong. On June 12th, my debit card was stolen, as a result, when you finally did run my card for the payment it did not go through. No phone call was placed to inform me of this fact, time just simply continued to pass.

Then a while later I received word from Dental Select that they would not pay my claim because “I was not using a covered provider.” I was baffled especially because of the long conversation I had with the woman I spoke to the first time I called. So of course I called in to speak with your office about what I thought could only be an error. I spoke to Mary, I explained to her my situation, and she had no answers for me. She gave me some sort of, “Well they pay on other clients that are Gold Members with Dental Select, but I guess they didn’t pay on yours.” I informed her of my exchange with the first girl I spoke to months ago, and how she assured me that this wouldn’t happen. Mary simply had nothing to tell me but that my procedure wasn’t covered, and there was nothing she could do. Trying to be helpful she offered that I could use “care credit” to pay since it wasn’t covered… though she didn’t seem to understand that this would still mean I was paying $400 more then I was planning. In lieu of yelling and cursing at Mary, because it seemed clear that she didn’t know what she was talking about, I sat down and wrote the first two paragraphs of this email. I was interrupted when Sensi from your office called me back not a half hour after I had gotten off the phone with Mary.

Sensi, explained to me that there was some signature or some part of the claim process that she didn’t do because “She usually doesn’t have to” but that they must require it now. She told me that she had resubmitted the claim and was certain that upon receipt of the corrected request that I would be covered. I felt validated and thought “oh good.” This is when Sensi informed me (a full month after authorizing the payment) that my card had never been run. I guess some blame could be placed on me for not knowing whether or not the charge had gone through, but I seldom watch my bank account if I think I know what has been paid or not already. In any case, I mentioned to Sensi how interesting it was that here 30 minutes ago I thought that you had stolen from me, and at the same time you must have been thinking what a deadbeat I was. I pointed out to her that maybe I should wait to reauthorize the payment until she delivers on her whole “getting me covered by the insurance” promise. She seemed uncomfortable at the idea, and frankly I didn’t feel right about doing that, so after she again reassured me that my work would be covered and that I should expect a check in the next few days, I agreed to have my card run, which this time went through without a hitch.

Well, today I got word from the insurance company. They still are not going to pay my claim! The paperwork says that it is a “duplicate claim”. Now I feel like a tool and wish badly that I had not allowed you to charge my card for the work. Because it seems rather malicious that I would be promised so much only to find out that none of it were true. You have stolen approximately $400 dollars from me as far as I am concerned. Whether maliciously or accidentally, I have been wronged here. Had someone simply told me that my work would not have been covered because you are not a provider with my insurance I would have gone somewhere else… but instead I have been told over and over again by people in your employ that it was no problem, and would be all taken care of. I really find it difficult to believe that you would train people to lie about my insurance coverage to get me (a customer) in the door to make a little bit more money then you would have made had you turned me away like you should have in the beginning, but maybe I am wrong to think that… right now it looks to me like that is exactly what is happening.

Clearly I am upset and possibly being a little over dramatic, which is why I have chosen to write you this email detailing my plight rather then coming in or calling right away. I have a bit of a temper and do not want to lose it and jeopardize actually communicating. It has now been nearly two months since my first route canal and I still need another. I want my money back, either you made a mistake or you lied, either way I have been victimized.

I look forward to your response, and hope that this is all a misunderstanding that can easily be remedied. If so, I would be happy to continue the remaining $4000 in dental work that I require through your office. If you refuse to sort this situation out… well like a jackass all I can do is eat the $400 and dish out scathing reviews to all of my friends, family, and colleagues in hopes that they never step foot through your door. Maybe you don’t care about that, laughing all the way to the bank at the sucker who’s Four Hundy you just stole.

The next day I received this response:

John,

Thank you for your email. I can understand how upset you must be. I would be also. I am personally looking into what the heck is going on. I was unaware of it. As I find out the details, I will let you know what's what. Thanks for your patience. Please don't think we are out to "sucker" you. We want to do what's right.

One week later I received a check from my insurance company and all was well. It's a good thing I watched "Summer School" as a kid and those crazy teens got a bunch of sunglasses in response to their letter so I could know how to do this.

John Maxim

Nothing personal...

2008-07-11T10:53:00.008-06:00

When I started this blog, I was hoping that it would act like a journal. I'm sad to report it has become only a shadow of what my journal should contain. In my church there is a large emphasis place on journal writing, I'm not sure why, but I am sure that those we spawn will benefit or at least be mildly entertained by the menial happenings in our lives. I am discovering that this blog could never act as an actual journal and it is kind of bugging me. First of all, I don't see the point in keeping a blog if people don't want to read it. That puts an entertainment requirement on each blog post. The closest thing to actual journal keeping on this blog was my "Gas tank in the life..." series which I have heard almost nothing but complaints about. In fact last night over a month after posting them someone said, "I sure am glad that gas tank business is over." Anyway, it was proof to me that entertainment value is paramount in blogging. When I was married, I think I could get as personal as I wanted and still be funny. I used to send out my "on the john" letters which people always seemed to love.

Here's the problem, now that I am single again I am starting to have many single adventures with attractive members of the opposite sex which I guarantee you would be very entertaining material for blog posts...

I could tell you the story of HELGA who I met through a friend (who reads my blog) we went out a few times. I tried to kiss her on the third date and she shot me down, only to call me while I was driving home feeling rejected and tell me that I needed to come back to see her. She met me at the curb and kissed me the minute I got out of the car. Three weeks later after hanging a few times I lost interest in her because all she was into was the thrill of the chase. She continued to call me and I haven't answered the phone since...

Or I could write about BARBARELLA who I met through a a friend (who reads this blog) the friend warned me not to go out with her because "friend" thought "she was shallow" and because she wasn't a member of the church. I had a hard time seeing anything because I was blinded by her blazing hotness. I went out with her a few time. She was trying to get very physical very fast... which usually isn't a problem so long as the line isn't crossed. Once I started hanging out with her I discovered she was shallow - seriously I've stepped in deeper puddles. I didn't have anyone else to date at the time though, and kept her around because she was hot. I know, who's the shallow one here?

I was set up with SHRAWANDRIA she was smokin' but boring. Really really boring. I ran out of material to keep the conversation going on the first date... which never happens to me. She didn't ask me one question about myself. I tried going out with her again because she was good looking, but in effect I was just wasting my money.

I met BERTHA at the grocery store. She is awesome and beautiful. I had went out with her 5 times and I was continually amazed by her. I hadn't even tried to kiss her because I was afraid of messing things up. There were some extremely large obstacles to overcome between us, but I didn't care just because I liked spending time with her so much... I decided to fall back on the old stand by, and not hang out with her for 3 weeks. Thinking that if I couldn't live with out her that I would ignore the large obstacles and make a concerted effort. Over the three weeks I realized sge was awsome and I wanted to give it a shot, but by then she got a boyfriend... I'm still waiting for that to fizzle so I can make my move.

There are constantly situations where I over think and over analyse things done and said by the girls in my life. I could write novels about them. The vague tellings above are true, funny, tragic and exciting. The problem is they involve other people. Other people have feelings, (yeah I said it) if I write that "so and so" is shallow or is boring, or I don't think she's the cutest girl in the world but she's hella cool. What happens if SHE or her friend reads it. Gossip is already rampant without me writing it in a blog. Just the thought of giving more detail than I have above and having someone find out I wrote about it, and then them possibly confronting me with or about it makes my stomach turn.

Conclusion: I can't let you my friends and family in on some of the more personal things that go on in my life through this blog. How can I call this a journal if I don't write about the love or lack there of in my life, not to mention my job which is also very stressful and exciting and I can't write about it either. It's just not my place to write about everyone else around me. The whole public factor kind of destroys the ability of my blog to be truly personal.

John Maxim

Instead of blogging

2008-07-08T14:59:00.011-06:00

There have been some major complaints that I need to post more often. I will make a valiant effort in the future, but sometimes blogging doesn't fit into my daily list of priorities, and as of late that has been happening more often. I'm not saying that I am busier or cooler than you my faithful readers, lately everyone seems to take things I say a little too personal. I think most of you should blog more often too - we all should... I noticed my friend Adam has been trying a little harder (two posts in one week) since I put his blog in the bottom of my link lists under "Blog pals who don't post often enough to be linked further up on this page!" In any case I am doing my best and will attempt to make my best better.

I was listening to that song "If" by the band "Bread" this morning as I drove into work, and the first line is "If a picture paints a thousand words then why can't I paint you?" It made me think it may be a good idea to just post a few pictures of the things that have been going on rather than writing about them... then the song went on to say "And when my love for life is running dry, You come and pour yourself on me." It made me think, what is that supposed to mean, maybe bread doesn't know what they're talking about... then I started thinking about something else - and when I sat down to write my post I couldn't come up with a better idea so here are some pics.

So, I started a new diet of sorts (I will post about it in greater detail later on), which excludes several of the foods I used to eat. When I decided to do it, I thought I would simply eat everything in my cupboards. Which consisted of a lot tomato soup and corn and stuff. It took me about a week, and the last thing which... I don't even know what it is, was this condensed milk. Yes I ate it, and though it was disgusting I didn't get too sick, just some runny poo the following day.One of the many benefits of living downtown is that there are many things to do during the summer that are very close to home. Including the Utah Art Festival. I went with a bunch of friends because a band that I like was playing there. I was surprised at all of the cool stuff they had there like poetry readings, hot girls to look at, and creative garden gnomes, not to mention the 5 stages which had different kinds of music playing, at nearly all times. It was pretty cool, while at the Passafire concert this is a picture of me dancing... it looks worse if you see it in real life.While mowing the lawn, barefoot, I sustained this injury. I think when my Dad continued to verbally frown on this practice growing up, he was worried that my foot might slip under the mower and be chopped into pieces. I always thought this was preposterous and when I became my own man I have mowed barefoot for the last 8 years without event - until now. When I was moving the mower from the backyard to the front. I had to hold open my gate and push the mower through with one hand. The mower was too close to the gate to open it so with out consciously deciding I just proceeded to push the mower back a few inches with the side of my bare foot. After running for only 5 to 10 minutes the exhaust was hot enough to melt my flesh... I could see the steam coming off the exhaust as I inspected the mower. I decided to finish the front yard right away so my injury didn't hurt too bad to mow it later... that choice may have gotten it infected cause it looks really bad and hurts more than most of my past wounds.I went to the 311 & Snoop Dogg concert. It was pretty awesome, and I was awesome too. I know its an odd combo, it was called the "Unity Tour" and as you can see from the decoration was all about smoking the herb. The biggest "white" pot smoking band with the biggest "black" pot smoking band definitely makes a statement. I had a lot of fun and despite what many of my friends thought, I decided that Snoop really outdid 311. I may have gotten my burn more infected at this activity because the girl behind, and then the girl next to me spilled their beer on my wound on two seperate occasions... but who knows, it's not like I'm a doctor.I went to Lake Powell for the 4th of July and pretty much had the most fun ever. In addition to hanging with some very hot girls - one of which was my sister. I got to do a lot of firsts. I have never towed a boat, I did this entire trip, and backed it into the lake between two other boats with nearly expert precision. I also have never driven a boat before, but ended up being the main driver and puller of wake boarders. We had fun did some cliff jumping got some rays and took in the night life (or lack thereof) of Page, AZ. I might have been a little reckless, because we jumped a huge 20 ft wave/wake at full speed in the boat which got everyone mad at me (even though I bet we got like 15 feet of air - it was sweet!), and one of the trailer tires exploded on the way home because I was driving a little too fast too. It was fun and I can't wait to go again. If my foot wound wasn't infected before this trip it definitely was after soaking in the super clean lake for 3 days.

The number one reason I haven't been blogging as often is because of work. I have been doing a lot more of it then ever before. As you can see by my desk (this was after I spent an hour cleaning it) the work is piling up.

Interesting that even though a picture tells a thousand words I still feel compelled to add another 100 or so... What does "Bread" know anyway.

John Maxim

Responding

2008-06-27T14:37:00.004-06:00

I don't have a lot of time today, and wanted to get in another post. My last post "The Truth is..." drew way more attention then I could've imagined. Great comments people. Some of your comments make me feel compelled to respond and so rather than posting something interesting I just decided to post this:

Cameron's Corner said...
Dude... you left out at AT LEAST three "long"s in the one about my wife. Seriously. At least three.
Yeah, I know. You are my best friend, and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

Janey said...
The truth is John that I've always thought you were hot and intimidating but at the same time know you are a teddy bear beneath those cool walls you like to have.... explain this one?
I’m like a peanut butter M&M. An amazingly soft-n-Scrumptious peanut buttery center is discovered once you make it past the hard candy shell. Both layers are desirable and every body wants me - er I mean, wants one.

Anonymous said...
You contradicted yourself on point 2 and point 8 therefore making point 6 wrong all of the time. You cannot be awesome without confidence or intelligent by pretending to be confident. Again, point 13 and 18 pose conflicting views probably from the example of point 4 where you’re comfortable talking about everything, but not internally working through the problem. Although I always justify my dating down to a 6, 6.5 by the reasoning of “If Beyonce can do it, so can I.” So good for you for aiming high. Truth is: You think you put everything out there on display, but you’re highly closed off, yet still easy to read. This comment was asked for by point 10.Truth is: I hate that I even know about this blog, and find minor enjoyment in reading it.
If you look like Beyonce and settle for 6’s then we should go out, we could discuss the shortsightedness of your evaluation of my “truth” post over dinner. Shall I pick you up at 7?

LT said...
One time I saw the movie 'The Color of Money' with Tom Cruise. It gave me an idea... What do you think about going on the road with me? I would mentor you and help you smooth out your rough edges as you win lots and lots of money at Risk? If I remember the movie right, there is a hot chick in there somewhere. So it's a win, win, win situation...
I love the scene where the hot chick starts kissing me, and amidst the passion she knocks over the Risk board spilling the pieces all over the floor. That's hot!

Steph said...
You are a pretty good Sunday School teacher, but maybe not as good as I am. I bet if you work really hard you can be as good as me.
Um… yeah.

Annie said...
This is my attempt at commenting 7 out of 10 times I read your blog. I think 7 out of 10 is an unrealistic expectation, but now I have a goal. But the real question is am I supposed to comment on 7 out of 10 of your entries or 7 out of 10 times that I look at your blog? Clarification would be appreciated.Thank you. :)
I have already changed my mind on this point. As people were calling me a hypocrite I was reviewing my points and found that 5 out of 10 is more likely the proper ratio. Personally I find that I generally will comment on every other blog post whether it deserves it or not. Furthermore I think if a blog (mine included) isn’t entertaining enough for you to read every post that you shouldn’t have to comment on past posts that you missed. If you only read it once a month, and keep to a 5 out of 10 ratio, then you should comment 6 times a year. Again just for the sake of good manners.

Scott said...
Whoa 20 comments!!! That is too cool, I had to jump on the bandwagon. Funniest part is the poop, followed by the popcorn, and then "anonymous" ripping you up is the cherry on top! Once you get a chick, or rather "all the chicks" with your "buttface" (for lack of a better term) explain to me how the first kiss goes?
When you kiss your first girl Scott, you will understand.

T Wolf said...
-The truth is(TTI), your butt is your best feature.
-TTI, I thought your last 5 posts were boring.
-TTI, I think annonymous posters are rude and yours should fess up!
-TTI, I love playlists on blogs.
-TTI, I think your great John, despite some of your lame opinins.
-The Beatles rule!!!
We never have agreed on much have we Tara. I’m sorry the “gas” posts were mundane, I did a lot of work cataloguing and chronicling the trip, so I felt like I had to post it even though when I started I did confide in some peers that I thought some might find it boring. I actually really like anonymous comments. I think you’ll seldom hear the truth if not from an anonymous comment. Which is why I happily have allowed them on my blog and will not berate them for doing so. An anonymous comment is better than no comment at all, and sometimes better than one with a name attached.

Quela said...
Do you really think you're the smartest person in the room 92% of the time or just pretend to be??
Percentages and statistics are very difficult to accurately calculate. I did not use the scientific method to determine how often I feel this way, 92% was just a guess. However I never “pretend” to be the smartest, in fact I like to dumb down in most social settings.

The Pachuilo Family said...
Picking up dog poop with your hands is like the MTC for the butt-to-face operation. You should also try writing your next post with a 180lbs dude sitting on your head...
You mean a 180lb dog sitting on my head right? I never pick up dude poo, just dog poo. My dog only weighs 150.

KATEMARIE said...
PS---I love you. (I had to get that PS out before I trash on you, just so all who read this know how madly deeply in love I am with you....in a, I wouldn't really want to makeout with you sort of way, but more of a, I will tell you how I feel sorta way because you are like my cute brother sort of way) Representing all who have music on their blogs. Duh. It's our blog. Deal with it. Mute it. Quit whining about it my little doll/buttface. My song changes with each blog entry I post. Hmmmm...ever notice how a song can inspire. Poo inspires some. Music another. And just for the record. Yes, you are smart most of the time. I think I typically hang out with you only 8% of your time anyway...so that must be what is coming to mind.
Everything you said is stupid! But I love you, in a, you are a bag of flaming hot cheetos that I just opened and is full of flaming hot cheetos sort of way.

Anonymous said...
The truth is I have a major crush on you, but could never tell you because I only know you from a far... and I don't know how to get to know you.
It’s been said by someone (one of the 8%) smarter then me “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Having quoted that I’m sure there is a percentage of shots you’ll miss that you do take too. When you say “a far” are we talking Provo… Provo is too far. Also if you’re not a girl I don’t swing that way, and for that I am sorry. One of the best relationships I had was with a girl who called and asked me out… Adam you remember that, she called you and asked for me… ha ha ha one of the shining moments of my life was the look on your face.

Janey said...
you are going crazy right now!
Um.. I think you left the first part of your comment off, cause I don’t know what you’re talking about…

John Maxim

The Truth is...

2008-06-20T16:04:00.006-06:00

The truth is, I hate it when people have song playlists that automatically play on their blogs. Seriously, if I am able to listen to music, I would already be listening to my music instead of that stupid crap you like!

The truth is, if I met myself, I wouldn't like me. Yet I think I am totally awesome! Figure that one out.

The truth is, I never worry about the end of the world or dying. Both are going to happen whether I worry about them or not.

The truth is, I am perfectly comfortable talking about and answering questions about my divorce and the loss of my son. Although if you want to know I have kept extensive records which can be found in the archives of this blog.

The truth is, I don't care how bad it is for me, how late at night it is, how over-priced it is, how many big mac's it equals, or how fat I am, I will always eat movie theater popcorn at the movies.

The truth is, 92% of the time I think I am the smartest person in the room.

The truth is, I think my friend Cameron's wife, Betsy, is hot and never could figure out how he scored her. I guess funny goes a long... long... long way.

The truth is, I am really not very confident, but I am excellent at pretending like I am.

The truth is, I think my best physical feature is my butt. If I could switch my butt with my face I would get all the chicks.

The truth is, I think if you read someones blog you should make a comment on seven out of ten of their posts. It's good manners.

The truth is, I like spiders. When I was 15 I used to go catch black widows and try to get them to breed, it never worked, but now I don't kill spiders unless asked to by a girl. I usually catch them and send them into the wild. I even let a couple live in parts my house.

The truth is, I actually think I am one of the best Sunday school teachers in the world, one of the best risk players in the world, and one of the best indoor soccer goal keepers in the world. And, I believe it is only a matter of time before I am significantly humbled in all three of these beliefs.

The truth is, I know on the "looks only" scale I am a 6, maybe a 5.5, but I only want to date 8-10's.

The truth is, I pick up dry dog poop with my bare hands all the time.

The truth is, I don't really like "The Beatles" no matter how many people tell me how great they are and what they've done for society. I feel the same way about the TV show "The Office."

The truth is, I swear/curse most often if at all while golfing, bowling, or playing video games.

The truth is, I don't think being a bit of a hypocrite is as bad a thing as we make it out to be, we all do it a bit and need to get over that.

The truth is, I am way more terrified of being rejected by an attractive member of the opposite sex than I am of public speaking, sky diving, riding a motorcycle on a busy freeway in the dark, and playing with black widows.

The truth is, I hate talking to adults. All they jabber about is what they do for a living. Shouldn't work facilitate the most important things in ones life and not be the most important thing in ones life?

The truth is, as of this moment all of the above sentences are true, but I change my mind all the time. Example I used to hate squash, now I love it - steamed with lots of butter.

John Maxim

A gas tank in the life of John Maxim: Day five

2008-06-19T00:38:00.005-06:00

Day 5
May 6th, 2008

at 7:04am
after traveling 21.1 miles
I arrived at the gym
I worked shoulders, tri’s, and back today. None of the usually really hot girls were around, I think it’s too early… probably because they are all Moms who are getting their kids ready for school or something. Either way, there was a definite lack of eye candy. I left at 8:11am.

at 8:24am
after traveling 5.7 miles
I arrived at my office
For the first time since we moved into this office I got a spot in the front. Parking here has always been a nightmare, I guess this gives a little credence to the saying “the early bird gets the worm.” As I walked to the door there was a woman I had never seen before on her cell phone who was pacing the sidewalk. As I walked by her I heard her say, “…think a little bit about how you’d run a drug empire if you ever got the chance…” I have no idea in what conversation that could fit, her tone was very serious, and there was nothing jovial about her demeanor, but it gave me plenty of daydreaming to do while at work. I left the office at 12:31pm.

at 12:38pm
after traveling 5.6 miles
The chick voice my car said “Please refuel”
I was on I-215 headed to my sisters to get a haircut. I looked at the indicator on my dash and it said that I had 56 miles left to go. I wished for a minute that the chick voice in my car could be customized. Like how cool would it be if my car had Jessica Alba’s voice and I could insert my name? She could say something like “You’re almost out of gas John, let’s pull over!” Think of it, I don’t see a downside, except for maybe an inappropriate relationship with my car. I should market this idea and sell it to the masses – too bad I’m lazy. Now I have posted this great idea on the worldwide web for someone to steal.

at 12:44pm
after traveling 11.1 miles
I arrived at my sister’s salon in Sandy
The greatest thing about getting my haircut by my sister is that she is very well connected… or rather that she cuts so many peoples hair that I know, that while sitting in her chair I get to hear about the paramount and meager happenings of all of my friends and family’s lives. The bad thing about my haircut is that it always looks so good after she does it, I can never recreate it. I left at 1:17pm

at 1:46pm
after traveling 37.7 miles
I arrived at Equity Solutions in Bountiful
Did some boring work stuff while here, signatures and follow up. My cousin-in-law Troy let me listen to some funny Dane Cook skits and we listened to some butt rock singer that I hadn’t ever heard of and can’t for the life of me remember his name. I left at 3:42pm

at 4:04pm
after traveling 14.9 miles
I arrived home
Mid-way through this trip my mile indicator hit zero. I was waiting for it to run out of gas, but it never did. I spent a little time cleaning my house and fixing my air-conditioner. Tonight is the Pennywise concert. My friend Mindi showed up, and we headed to the concert. We left at 7:44pm

at 8:13pm
after traveling 16.5 miles
we arrived at The Great Saltair in… nowhere
The concert was outstanding, even though about 10 people who said they were coming totally flaked. Oh well it was their loss. Mindi and I didn’t hang during the concert she spent the evening up on the balcony watching while I got drenched in the sweaty madness that we call a mosh pit. It was the best mosh pit I have been in since… well since Pennywise’s concert during the 2002 winter Olympics. They really know what they’re doing because I never party so hard any other time. Mindi’s face when she saw me soaked from head to toe with sweat was priceless. I think if it would have dawned on her that only 12% of it was my sweat she may have found another way home. We left the concert at 11:12pm

at 11:30pm
after traveling 16.4 miles
we arrived back at my house
I had kind of forgotten but realized halfway through this trip that my car had hit zero almost 20 miles ago. Unsuspecting Mindi had no idea that at any moment my car could run out of gas. I began to get very nervous, well a nervous excited hybrid. I was excited for this gas tank to be over, it has been very taxing keeping all these notes everywhere I go so that I could keep this little log. We made it back to my house without ill effect though, and I started to wonder if maybe I got one of those amazing cars that never runs out of gas. Mindi went home, and I went inside. My roommates were all gone, and I decided I wanted some pie, Banana Cream to be exact. I sent out a mass text seeing if anyone was game for some midnight pie. My friend Kelly responded that she would happily meet me at the Village Inn. I left my house at 12:03am

I started the trip continuing to marvel at the distance I had traveled. The quote from Top Gun kept running through my head “We’re running on vapor Mav!” I was driving down 400 South, and at a red light I pulled up to a Mustang. I like being next to mustangs because they will usually race me off the line. I turned of my AC and put my transmission in to “sport” anticipating that I would zoom off and they would pull off slowly like it usual. Then as the crosswalk hit 5 on its countdown, I heard the guy rev his engine. He was gonna race me! I got ready – GREEN – I floored it, and nothing happened, then a small burst and then nothing, and then some sputtering. My car was moving very slowly... the mustang sped off. Then my car started hauling as though nothing was wrong. I realized at this point that I was going to be completely out of gas at any moment. The car continued to sputter along, losing power, and stalling here and there. Amazingly I made it all the way to the Village Inn without the car ever dieing completely.

at 12:13am
after traveling 2.2 miles
I arrived at the Village Inn downtown
I had half a slice of banana cream and half a slice of strawberry rhubarb. Kelly and I talked into the night. I left at 1:59am

The car started, incredibly, and pulled out of the parking lot without any signs of stopping. I headed back down 400 South. It was as if someone had filled my car back up with gas because there was no sputtering or stalling. Then as I was passing in front of the library without warning it just died completely. I pulled over and tried to start it, but nothing.

at 2:05am
after traveling 1.5 miles
I ran out of gas
I got out of my car walked around to the trunk and grabbed the gas tank I had placed in there 5 days before. I emptied its contents into my car and drove home. Ready to start the cycle all over again, only now gas was 11 cents more expensive.

End of day 5
Total miles traveled = 132.7
Total miles traveled after hitting Zero = 44.1

TOTAL MILES FOR GAS TANK = 566
MILES PER GALLON = 26.35
MILES PER DOLLAR = 7.36

John Maxim

A gas tank in the life of John Maxim: Day four

2008-06-11T12:03:00.004-06:00

Day 4
May 5th, 2008

I left my house for work at 8:37am

at 8:54am
after traveling 13.1 miles
I arrived at the Union Park exit of I-215
Once again my mind had wandered again, and I ended up traveling the wrong direction. I was thinking about the blog post I would be making, and realizing that this might be 4 very long kind of boring posts in a row… I then started to hope that I would run out of gas today so that it wouldn’t have to be a five day post. I started to conclude my thoughts with a resolve that I didn’t care if it was too long and boring for people, but that’s when I realized I was going the wrong direction, and got off at Union Park Exit to turn around and head back to West Jordan where my office was at.

at 9:06am
after traveling 8.7 miles
I arrived at my office in West Jordan
Nothing paramount happened at work today, but my partner and I started a new venture. A business that gets small business owners unsecured business lines of credit up to $500,000. We decided to call the company “on the green consulting” our slogan is something to the effect of “solutions for the true business person.” Get it? Golf and business. Sometimes we’re so clever it amazes even me. Anyway, I spent a small portion of the day designing our new logo. I left work around 3:16pm

at 3:29pm
after traveling 5.7 miles
I arrived at Lifetime Gym in Draper
I worked on my abs, biceps, and chest. I saw a new Mariah Carey video there… she is looking beat these days. When I say beat I mean someone beat her with the ugly stick. I left at 4:36pm

at 4:47pm
after traveling 5.0 miles
I arrived back at my office
I buttoned up a couple of tasks and then left at 5:28pm

at 5:50pm
after traveling 16.6 miles
I arrived home
Our wards family home evening tonight was croquet, which we played across the street from my house. 6 games going on at once. It was my idea, and being one who loves to take credit for his ideas, good and bad, I’d have to say this one was one of my best. Not just because I won – repeatedly, but because everyone there had a good time. It was decided a large group of us would go to Café Rio after. A bunch of peeps from my ward climbed into my car, and we left at 8:24pm

at 8:30pm
after traveling 3.3 miles
we arrived at The Café Rio downtown
I had the chicken salad. Somebody paid this guy Kimball $5 to drink an entire cup of their hottest salsa. The most enjoyable part was Kimball’s anticipation of discomfort coupled with his fearless resolve to show us all that he could. I’ll be honest, I was a little let down with his reaction when he finally did eat the salsa, but good build-ups have a tendency to do that. We left at 9:47pm

at 9:54pm
after traveling 3.2 miles
we arrived home
My roommates and I sat around discussing monumental earth changing ideas for a bit, then it was suggested we go to Wal-mart. We all jumped in my car and left at 10:26pm

at 10:42pm
after traveling 3.6 miles
we arrived at the Wal-mart downtown
I had to make Salsa, so I picked up all the ingredients, and then walked around and somehow managed to spend nearly $100. Wal-mart always gets me that way. We left at 11:40pm

at 11:51pm
after traveling 3.6 miles
We arrived back home

We watched the last 4 episodes of "Friday Night Lights: Season 2" Complained profusley at the terrible non-ending ending and then I went to bed.

End of day 4
Total miles traveled = 62.8

John Maxim

A gas tank in the life of John Maxim: Day three

2008-06-05T16:58:00.004-06:00

Day 3
May 4th

My roommates, Josh and Nick, and I jump into my car at 10:31am to go to church.

at 10:50am
after traveling 4.8 miles
We arrive at the U of U Institute building.
Our Ward meets here and the meeting is supposed to start at 10:50... the problem is, I am the "Sacrament coordinator" which in layman's terms means that I bring the bread every week. I was late, so I ran in to find the opening hymn in full swing, and I set up the bread really fast. Being a typically late person, they usually wait for me to start the meeting, but I guess they changed their mind on that. Church was boring as per usual. The Utah Jazz play the Lakers today, and my roommates want to go home early to watch the game. I wasn't going to complain cause I had to run an errand, so we skipped priesthood and headed home. We left at 1:22pm.

at 1:39pm
after traveling 4.8 miles
We arrived home
I'm not a big Jazz fan, my team has always been the Portland Trailblazers... they didn't do so well this year, but next year they are gonna be awesome. Anyway, I do really like watching Kobe Bryant play basketball. It is his cockiness that I love, makes me think he and I are almost the same person... except for the really good at basketball thing... and the alleged rape thing... and the black thing... and the multi-millionaire thing... yeah except for that we are pretty much the same person. Anyway, since I wasn't to into the game I had to go get a clients sensitive financial information this weekend which he conveniently left under his floor mat for me before he went out of town. I left my house at 1:44pm

at 2:15pm
after traveling 23.5 miles
I got a little lost but I arrived at my friends house in Layton
As promised the paper work was under the floor mat. I headed home.

at 2:41pm
after traveling 21.8 miles
I arrived home
I finished watching the Jazz game with my roomies. Since it was in L.A. Kobe was only half as arrogant as usual, so I got bored and took little naps intermittently throughout the game. We had been invited to a BBQ by our new friends Melanie and Alex, so we loaded up and left at 4:21pm

at 4:32pm
after traveling 4.4 miles
we arrived at Melanie and Alex's house in Salt Lake
They had burgers and barbequed corn on the cob, mmm barbequed corn might be the best thing I've eaten in months! We sat around and talked on the porch, the weather was beautiful. I decided that this summer I was going to be 25 years old. My rational for this is: If romantic comedies have taught me anything, it's that if you want to find true love you must start out every relationship with a lie. So that the other party can find out, forgive, grow together with you, and then you live happily ever after... my lie was going to be that I am 25. I proclaimed this on the porch and it was well received by all patrons. My brother Josh had a good point though, since he is in fact my younger brother, my decision would be forcing him to be younger too, so we decided he is 24 this summer. We left at 6:31pm

at 6:40pm
after traveling 4.4 miles
we arrived home
I laid on the love sack and before I could close my eyes, fell asleep. I woke up at 8:24pm to my brother Josh asking me if I was going to Ward Prayer. I said yes, we left at 8:26pm

at 8:30pm
after traveling 0.4 miles
we arrived at Kristi and Steph's house in Salt Lake
It may seem silly to drive 0.4 miles but all of those mile fractions are up a really really steep hill. Some unappealing chocolate treat was being served at ward prayer, I don't really like chocolate - hence the term unappealing. Luckily there was some sweettarts available which I was able to consume while fraternizing. We left at 9:06pm

at 9:09pm
after traveling 0.4 miles
I arrived home
I dropped the roommates off at the house, and headed north for my weekly hang out with Cameron.

at 9:33pm
after traveling 23.5 miles
I arrived in Layton
Cameron and I talk on the phone for the entire drive out and back. This way, no matter how worthwhile the activity we do together is, we have some great conversation before and afterwards. Tonight we talked about a lot of things, Cameron told me about this pedophile that moved in behind him. I told him he should put it in his blog, and he did, here. I left Layton at 12:03am

at 12:39am
after traveling 23.6 miles
I arrived home
The conversation home consisted of Cameron prodding me about my interactions with members of the opposite sex, the future of our comic strip, and again trying to talk me into moving to Ogden.

End of day 3
Total Miles Traveled = 111.6

John Maxim

A gas tank in the life of John Maxim: Day two

2008-06-04T18:25:00.007-06:00

Day 2
May 3rd
I have a Soccer game at 10am, so I got up at 8, thinking that I could spend a little time looking for Movie, my dog who disappeared in the night yesterday, and still hadn't come home. My plan was to get all ready, and then drive around and look for him till my game started. I grabbed some breakfast and went outside to eat on my front steps. Hoping that just maybe, Movie would happen by in his travels. I sat there looking around, and as I took my last bite of canned salmon, there I saw Movie coming up the street with some woman. I stood up and yelled "Movie!" He saw me, and ran strait over to me. This woman introduced herself as Erika. She was in her mid 40's had a backpack on, sunglasses, and her hair pulled back in a pony tail, she was smoking and a little out of breath due to her brisk walk. She said she was walking from the bus stop at about 10:30 last night, and saw Movie, right over there across the street. Movie's tag only had a phone number on it, and she explained how she didn't have a phone. So she took him home and he stayed the night with her. She said he kept her up all night, and that she was now late for work. She was walking to the bus to get to work, but that she was already 20 minutes late, and would be more like an hour late after her bus ride. I told her that I would be happy to give her a ride, she accepted immediately. It was the least I could do. Though deep down I wish she just would have left him alone last night cause Movie would have just come home on his own... but her heart was in the right place. I took Movie inside and we left my house at 8:58am.

at 9:13am
after traveling 9.7 miles
we arrived at The Verizon Wireless call center at 2200 N 2200 W
I thanked Erika for her kindness and she went to work.

at 9:27am
after traveling 9.6 miles
I arrived home.
I went inside and told my brother of the morning's events, and then he jumped in my car to go to the soccer game. We left at 9:40

at 9:47am
after traveling 2.4 miles
We arrived out front of another players apartment building
Alvin Togba, he jumped into the back seat.

at 9:50am
after traveling 1.1 miles
we arrived at Riverside Park
Our game was against a team named the Vikings. We had played them many times before. They have this one guy on their team who only has one arm... he's pretty good at soccer, seeing as you don't really need arms to play. He is a real jerk though and tackled me from behind, whilst he spewed profanities. I hurt my ankle and missed the last 20 minutes of the game. We tied 2 to 2. I know what you're thinking, "It sucks that in soccer they can end a game in a tie." I'm with you on that, but in our league games don't end in ties, they end in shoot outs. We lost the shoot out though, 3 to 2... maybe ties aren't so bad eh? We left the park, heads hung low at 12:24pm

at 12:28pm
After traveling 1.1 miles
We arrived back at Alvin's apartment.
He got out of the car.

at 12:35pm
after traveling 2.4 miles
we arrived back home.
We got something to eat, and fiddled around a bit. Then we headed out to my parents house to help my sister Dana move. We left at 1:10pm

at 1:36pm
after traveling 21.8 miles
we arrived at my Parents house in Sandy
My Sister Dana is moving into my other Sister Aprils house. It's mutually beneficial because Dana will feel less like she is still a kid, and April will have someone around to help her and her Husband babysit and stuff. We moved a living room set, up into my dads truck. Somehow Josh spent the first chunk of our visit talking to my Mom about some mail he had gotten, and so Dana and I had to move the couch and love seat. Which went pretty good except that we knocked all but three of my Moms family pictures off the wall (15 frames), and thus down the stairs breaking several frames. Josh started helping, but then my Dad was busy fixing the broken frames, so he stopped lifting stuff... (yes, I am complaining, I had to do way more hard work then everybody else) anyway, we strategically were able to load everything into one truck, and then into the back of my car. Before leaving we sat around for about an hour hanging with the parental's. We left at 3:04pm

at 3:13pm
after traveling 5.4 miles
We arrived at Sisters house in Sandy
Donnovan, my brother in law was there, and it took us less than 10 minutes to unload everything. Donnovan gave me a little crap for not calling him last night when I decided not to come get the karaoke machine... pretending like he was waiting up all night for me. We both know he was busy playing some online war game. We left at 3:25pm

at 3:28pm
after traveling 0.3 miles
we arrived at Donnovan and Aprils condo in Sandy
They are currently selling the condo with the best Real Estate Agent in the world, yours truly, and they have some renters in the property. Some agents have been re-using the lock-box without calling to schedule an appointment and walking in on people in the shower, so I stopped to change the lock box code. It took nearly 4 whole seconds.

at 3:54pm
after traveling 18.1 miles
we arrived back home.
I mowed my lawn. Then I started to get ready for my date with Tracey from the night before. She was coming over to my house and then we were gonna go to the Real Salt Lake game. David Beckham was going to be there, which might be why I was so successful in getting a date with such a cute girl on such short notice. Since she was coming over I had to make sure that my home was free of poops, and vacuumed and fabreezed. She showed up, and we left for the game at 6:20pm

at 6:43pm
after traveling 4.2 miles
we arrived at Rice Eccles Stadium in Salt Lake
I know of a pretty sweet secret parking space, but it was taken this time. Curse all these David Beckham fans! We walked a little further than usual, but made it before kick off. The game was good. Tracey was really taken by David Beckham, she confirmed that his good looks were as advertised. I was impressed too, despite everyone around us scoffing at Beckham with mumblings of how he was a sell out and wasn't very good anymore, tonight he score two of the most amazing goals I have ever seen live! In one instance he took full credit for a foul he made that the referee didn't call, and at the end of the game he gave every girl there what they wanted by taking his shirt off, giving it to a fan and then walking around to each side of the stadium and clapping. I had a feeling with him so close that Tracey would have a hard time remembering I was there, he is tough competition after all. So I tried to be funny and suggested that if David Beckham were gay that I would definitely switch teams and go gay too. She thought that was funny, and I felt I had averted rejection. We left the stadium at 9:51pm

at 1:03am
after traveling 6.5 miles
we arrived back at my house
(the details about what happened between 9:51pm and now are a little fuzzy, but we did travel 6.5 miles whatever we did, and that's what is important, this is a log of how I use gasoline after all - not what I do on dates.) I walked Tracey to her car, and...

End of Day 2
Total Miles Traveled = 82.6

John Maxim

A gas tank in the life of John Maxim: Day One

2008-06-03T14:19:00.009-06:00

Day 1
The morning of May 2nd
at 10:23am
arrived at Maverick @ 200 W North Temple.
I stopped in at the Maverick to completely fill up my empty gas tank. When the pump stopped I had spent $76.89.

at 10:33am
after traveling 8.2 miles
I arrived at 4500 South off ramp
I was supposed to go to Bountiful for a meeting. Somewhere around the freeway on ramp at 600 south, my thoughts (which consisted of me musing what I might actually do if I somehow got to go on a date with Kristen Bell of "Veronica Mars" fame) distracted me and I got on going south (the opposite direction to Bountiful) I became aware of this after traveling 35 blocks and got off at the next exit to make a U-turn and headed to Bountiful.

at 10:55am
after traveling 14.9 miles
I arrived at Equity Solutions in Bountiful
Met, in a meeting. Left at 11:57am

at 12:11pm
I traveled 8.5 miles
I arrived Home
A girl at Equity Solutions pointed out at some point during my meeting that my shoes definitely didn’t match the rest of my “outfit”. She brought it up a couple of times, I didn’t even know I was wearing an "outfit," but I felt self conscious and went home and put on some flip flops. (those match everything don’t they?) Left at 12:14pm

at 12:33pm
after traveling 15.1 miles
I arrived at the Department of Workforce Services in Sandy.
I picked up my friend Grace who is looking for a new job and we went to lunch.

at 12:40pm
after traveling 2.1 miles
We arrived at Café Rio
I got the Steak Quesadilla with a side of creamy tomatillo dressing for dipping. Mmmm it was good, I ate the whole thing, which I seldom do. Grace got a chicken salad. We talked about regrets… it wasn’t as depressing as it sounds, it was a good talk. We left at 1:27pm.

at 1:34pm
after traveling 2.1 miles
We arrived at the Department of Workforce Services
Dropped Grace off, gave her the "perfect hug" and headed to work.

at 1:50pm
after traveling 4.1 miles
I arrived at My Office in West Jordan
I Worked. For work, I deal with peoples sensitive financial information. I grabbed this individuals on Wednesday and promised they would have them back by today... well I forgot to overnight them, so I figured I would just take them down there, and be a man of my word. Left the office at 4:10pm

at 4:44pm
after traveling 29.8 miles
I arrived at the Serve Pro office in Pleasant Grove
I dropped off the paperwork, chewed the fat for a bit and then headed back. Left at 4:51pm

at 5:40pm
after traveling 41.8 miles
I arrived at the Supersonic Car Wash in Salt Lake
It was too full so I pulled into the parking lot and pulled right back out.

at 5:45pm
after traveling 1.1 miles
I arrived at one of my rental properties (which happens to be two houses away from my home)
I met with some people interested in renting the house. We did a walk through, and they said they would take it. I informed them I was trying to sell it, and they didn't mind. We put it on a month to month arrangement, then I walked home. I was having a party for a friend at my house and for some reason it was imperative that we have karaoke... no one had confirmed that they had gotten a machine so I called my brother-in-law to borrow his. I left at 6:26pm to get it.

at 6:54pm
after traveling 21.1 miles
I arrived at the intersection of 7755 S and 1300 E
I got a call from My friend Nicole who told me that Anmaree had gotten a karaoke machine. So I turned around and went home. (talk about a retarded day to pick to chronicle my gas usage/wastage)

at 7:16pm
after traveling 19.3 miles
I arrived back home.

(On the drive out I took I-15 to I-80 eastbound which turns into I-215, and got off at the Union Park exit, on the way home I took I-215 west to I-80 eastbound, to I-15, I wouldn't have known this otherwise, but the second way was 1.8 miles shorter and 6 minutes faster!)
We played guitar hero and did some karaoke it was fun, the highlight of the evening was me and my brothers rendition of "Livin' On A Prayer" by Bon Jovi. I also laid the flirt really thick on this hotty named Tracey and managed to secure myself a date the following day! Crappy thing is, she is moving to Nevada in two weeks.
After the party, everyone left around 2am, I discovered my little dog, Movie, had escaped the confines of my back yard. Vodka, my other dog, and I jumped on the skateboard and looked for Movie for about 30 minutes. That didn't work, so I decided to jump in my car and widen the search area. I left my house at 2:56am.

at 3:55am
after traveling 8.2 miles
I arrived back home

Having not found my dog. I very slowly drove around a 6 block radius of my house, to no avail. Movie gets out a lot, he is little, and figures out ways to squeeze out of seemingly inconsequential holes. He knows where we live, and always comes home on his own after a few hours though, so I was a little concerned, but not enough to not fall asleep anyway.

End of day 1.
Total Miles Traveled = 176.3

John Maxim

Dec. 17^th – Jan. 3rd
Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
				17	18	19
				LOST 7pm 11:13p
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
LOST 2:30p 8:13p
27	28	29	30	31	1	2
LOST 2:30p 8:11p		LOST 7pm 12am			LOST 10am 3:47p
3	4	5	6	7	8	9
LOST 2:30p 8:20p				LOST 7pm 11:23p
10	11	12	13	14	15	16
LOST 2:30p 8:13p		LOST 7pm 11:17p		LOST 7pm 11:55p		24hr Movie Mrth
17	18	19	20	21	22	23
		LOST 7pm 11:53p
24	25	26	27	28	29	30
LOST 2:30p 8:59p				LOST 7pm 11:14p
31	1	2	3
LOST 2:30p 9:29p			LOST Ssn 6